Fabulous Times Five

Thanks to Trop 50 for sponsoring my writing about fabulous bloggers. This year Trop50 is granting 50 fabulous wishes. Click here to enter for a chance to win $1,000 to help grant a friend's wish!

I guess I've got five on the brain this week. Today I am sharing five fabulous bloggers with you. There are so many fabulous bloggers out there that it was difficult to narrow it down.

The first is Stacey from Is There Any Mommy Out There. Stacey is a fellow adoptive mom. She is smart and funny with a passel of beautiful kids. Her writing is absolutely beautiful. Plus she's even written a novel that she is sharing with the world for free. I've also been lucky enough to meet Stacey in person so I know that she is as fabulous a person as she is a blogger.



Next is Issa from Issa's Crazy World. I first was introduced to Issa when I met her at Blog Her '09 where she was one of the Community Keynote speakers. Her post was just amazing. But more importantly I found out that Issa was one of the most amazing women I had ever met. She has such a big heart and is always willing to share. In fact she organized an internet birthday party for my 40th birthday and a blog shower for Lion. I am still amazed by that and I am so thankful that blogging has brought her into my life.

Next up is Denise from Eat Play Love. Denise is honest and passionate. Thanks to her I am actually looking forward to Bunny being in all day kindergarten next year so I can pack her lunches in beautiful bento boxes just like Denise. Another reason to love her is her unabashed love for Chris Martin and Coldplay (something I may be guilty of as well).

Another fabulous blogger is Stephanie from the NieNie Dialogs. Stephanie's story is so inspiring. She is recovering from a near fatal plane crash that left her with burns over 80% of her body. That would be enough for anyone to give up. However, Stephanie's blog is filled with joy, hope and love. It is my happy place. I go there whenever I am feeling down and it never fails to lift my spirits.

Finally there is Stefanie from Baby on Bored. Stefanie is funny. She is famous. She has written three wonderful books. But that is not why I chose her. I chose her because the stories she has shared on her blog have quite literally helped to change my life.

I hope that you will check out all of these bloggers if you don't read them already.

Don't forget to enter the 50 Fabulous Wishes contest for a chance to win $1,000 to support a friend's wish. I was selected for this Tropicana Trop50 sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses
Blog With Integrity, as I do. I received compensation to use and facilitate my post.

Not Again

I posted on November 1st. I posted again on November 2nd. I posted two days in a row, which is pretty good for me lately.

Two days in a row wasn't that hard. I thought I bet I could do this every day this month. I could join National Blog Posting Month and write a post every day for the entire month of November. I even signed up for it. I could totally do this.

I could do it. (insert hysterical laughter from every one who knows me and who has ever read this blog). Shut up, I could totally do it.

I could but I did not do it. I didn't even make it to the third day. I skipped 5 days before I posted again, and that post was about football and snakes. Then I didn't post until today. That is 4 days out of 12 in the month, not even close to every day.

If they did a National Post Blogs Randomly Every Few Days Month, I could totally do that. But then most of those posts would be about my football picks. In fact, this post is about my football picks, because the fine folks at the NFL have started Thursday night games. You knew that didn't you?

I'll bet that some of my loyal readers are feeling a bit like this fine fellow

a bit put out that they were forced to wear a birthday hat for a stuffed parrot's birthday party.

For that I'm sorry, but this is my blog. I've been working on a few posts but I haven't been able to finish them so football picks it is (winners in bold and red):

Thursday Night
Chicago @ San Francisco

Atlanta @ Carolina
Tampa Bay @ Miami
Detroit @ Minnesota
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
Buffalo @ Tennessee
Denver @ Washington
New Orleans @ St. Louis
Jacksonville @ NY Jets
Kansas City @ Oakland
Seattle @ Arizona
Dallas @ Green Bay
Philadelphia @ San Diego
New England @ Indianapolis

Monday Night
Baltimore @ Cleveland
Combined MNF Score = 45

BFL Picks

I know I've been slacking on posting this week but I've been busy with adoption related stuff. I promise to be a much better blogger this week and come up with something more interesting than football picks. Really.

So here are my picks for this week. The winners are in bold and red:

Cleveland @ Buffalo
Pittsburgh @ Detroit
Dallas @ Kansas City
Minnesota @ St. Louis
Oakland @ NY Giants
Tampa @ Philadelphia
Washington @ Carolina
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Atlanta @ San Francisco
Jacksonville @ Seattle
Houston @ Arizona
New England @ Denver
Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Monday Night
NY Jets @ Miami
Combined score: 38

Silence

It started off simply enough, busy days led to tired nights. I should have blogged. I could have blogged. But I did not. Instead I did other things. I curled up with a book or watched reruns on TV. I did laundry or cleaned. Or I did nothing, the lying on your bed, stretching out, finding comfort kind of nothing.

As I lay there a sort of rebellious feeling welled in my chest. "This is where you belong" it whispered. "Stay here. Its cool here. So comfortable." I listened to the whispers. I tended to agree with them. So I stayed. I was comfortable. Then stealthily, almost conspiritorially, the cats would jump on the bed with me. They yawned and stretched, just as I had done, and laid down next to me. "Stay here. Pet me. Love me"

The signs were all telling me to stay. So I did.

And as they days flew by and the nights were spent in comfortable nothingness, it was easier not to blog. I didn't run to the computer in the morning and open up my browsers to the proper sites so I could sneak a few minutes here and there. I avoided the computer, stopping in only to check my e-mail.

The longer I stayed away from the computer, the less I thought like a writer. I didn't pick up my journal. I didn't jot down ideas on scrap pieces of paper. I didn't compose lengthy posts in my head. There was nothing in my head, in my heart that was trying to be heard. I did not have ideas fighting to get out. I was not looking for the right words. I my mind was silent, almost still. Almost.

At first I stayed away out of rebellion, out of laziness. I don't have to do this. Then I stayed away because of the silence. I can't do this. There is nothing to do, nothing to say.

The silence is still there, drowning out everything else. In a way it is peaceful. I don't have to worry. I could given in to the silence. I may still give in. I can listen to the silence to see what it has to teach me. There are always lessons to be learned.

I can just let it carry me along, to find out where it wants me to go. And it just might help me find my words, my story.

Comfort

As I rode the train to the BlogHer conference, I was scared. I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I was going to something that was so beyond my comfort zone and I was going alone.

I knew no one.

Well I "knew" some people, but I had never met them. My two worlds, the world inside my computer and the world outside of it were going to connect. And I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Would they like me? Would I like them? Would I be able to unfreeze my tongue and actually speak to them? Would I hide in the back of the room? Or would I hide out in my room, only venturing out for panels and food?

And then it hit me, I didn't have a room for Thursday night. I had no place to hide. I would be forced to mix and mingle. Because, in a totally uncharacteristic move, I asked someone I didn't know (in real life) if I could crash in their room. I couldn't very well be anti-social since they were being so nice to me. So I opened my mouth and words actually came out.

The more I spoke and the more I was spoken too, the more I relaxed. Maybe I could do this, maybe I would actually have fun. So I went with it, speaking to everyone I met and having fun along the way.

When I finally did retreat to my room for the night to rest my aching head and tired feet, I found no comfort. There was only the choice between chairs and the floor. I tried scrunching my 5'10" frame into the arm chair and resting my feet on the desk chair. The floor was an option, but not an appealing one. I moved from chair to floor and back again, trying to find a place to rest. I looked enviously at the beds. Their occupants were deep in sleep, oblivious to the world around them. I wanted that, I needed that.

At 2 am, I was sitting on the floor, alone again. I realized that I had not quite overcome my discomfort. I could have asked someone else, someone with only one roommate, if I could have shared their room for the night instead of being the awkward fifth in a room of four. The women I met were kind and would not have turned me away. But I could not ask. I did not ask.

I woke up in the morning, feeling much older than my almost 40 years. My body hurt. My head ached. My nerves were raw. I was not looking forward to the day. I was looking forward to 3pm when I could check into my room and have a bed to myself. Bleary eyed and tired, I imagined that I would, in fact, retreat to my room.

But again, greetings were extended to me, arms waved me over, seats were saved for me. I was welcomed wholeheartedly into the community. Laughing and hugging and sharing stories soothed my aches and pains and rubbed away the jagged edges of my nerves. When it was time to check into my room and finally had my own bed, the wonderfully soft and comfy bed with its own gravitational pull, I did not want to stay there. I wanted to be out amongst the friends that I had made. I wanted to meet more people.

The last night of the conference, late at night, I sat on a bed. I was not alone. I was surrounded by people, real live people, my friends. We talked and laughed. We took pictures in an attempt to capture the moment. We talked some more. We laughed at things that are flappy. We created lasting memories.

I had finally found my comfort.

Because I Am A Total Dork

I am excited to announce that I will be attending Lobby Con at this year's BlogHer conference.

As you may well remember I forgot to register for the conference in Chicago. I decided to go anyway just to meet face to face all the cool people I've met on-line. I was still looking (praying) for tickets to fall into my lap but I was happy just to go.

And then the wonderful people at BlogHer found out about all the people like me who were planning on lurking in the hallways trying to get a taste of the conference. So they created Lobby Con. We get access to the expo floor (and swag, gotta love the swag), they will be streaming the main sessions for us in a bar (yummy) and we also get access to the parties (hooray for the parties!). Really its the next best thing to having a ticket.

I am so looking forward to meeting her, her, her, her and her. Aw heck, I'm looking forward to meeting everyone.

Do Over

In January, intoxicated with all the possibilities that a new year brings, I started another blog. I was ambitious. I thought the challenge of crafting every day for 365 days and then blogging about it was doable. I was naive.

There are some days when I can barely hold my head above water. I am running here and there. Pulled in a million different directions all at once, usually by the suprisingly strong hand of a willful three year old, I couldn't live up to the resolution. What was supposed to be a fun experiment, something just for me, became a chore. And frankly a bore. I dreaded doing something that I usually find so much joy in because I had to do it. So I didn't, I let it slide, I let it go.

But I loved the idea behind the blog, creating something every day. The further I got away from it the more I realized that what I really wanted to do was create beautiful things. By creating these beautiful things, I would be making my life more beautiful. That is really what I wanted to share in my blog, how I could create a more beautiful life for myself and my family by the simple act of making something.

So I've decided to re-launch Juniper and Coffee as a place to share how we make our lives just a little bit more beautiful. I'll also be re-launching my my jewelry business, trying new things, posting tutorials of the projects that work, showcasing Camp Crafty projects I've done with Bunny, and highlighting really cool crafty people along the way.

I'm really excited about this. And to help you get as excited as I am, I'm hosting a giveaway. I'll be giving away this beautiful necklace. So please check it out and support me in my new(ish) venture.

Stupid

Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me.

When they announced that BlogHer was going to be in Chicago I was thrilled. It was only 90 miles from my home. I could drive there, no worries about plane tickets. I could totally afford it and I was totally going.

I made arrangements for childcare. Bubs was going to take off of work. I told everyone I knew I was going. I was invited to and RSVP'd for parties.

But I forgot to actually register for the conference. Bubs reminded me but I never did it. I figured I had some time, it was still two months away.

But when I went to finally register, it was full. There were no tickets left. I was on the waiting list. When I found this out, I broke down in tears. Real tears that are usually reserved for important real life things.

But the thing is this blog and my blog friends have become a part of my real life, a very important part. This blog has given me a voice. It has helped me become more confident. It has helped me try new things, maybe not always successfully but I've tried. The blog has also given me you, my wonderful blog friends. Friends who have been there for me, to help me through the rough spots and to celebrate the good things.

I was finally going to put the two pieces of my life together. My blog life and my real life were going to merge. I was going to put faces to names. I was going to meet you. I was going to learn so much. I was going to take this blog (and my other neglected one) to another level, to make them better, to make them what they could be, what they should be.

I was. But now I am not. I was stupid and I waited and now I am too late.

So I sit here crying real tears as I type this cursing myself for being stupid, cursing myself because this matters too much.

One Year

In the past two days, I've started and abandoned several posts about Hamstack newspapers, about my budding scientist, about coming out of our cocoon and experiencing nature again. I tried to write them but the time was not there to fully flesh them out. Maybe I'll go back, maybe I won't.

Those abandoned posts sent me on a little search through my archives. How many posts had I started and abandoned? What were they about? Why did I stop writing them?

As I was doing this exercise in self-reflection I noticed something, something big. Its my blogiversary. That's right. I started this little experiment one year ago yesterday (to be exact).

When I started I had no idea what I was doing or why I was even blogging. Partly it was to record Bunny's life for our friends and family who did not get to see her on a regular basis. Partly it was because I felt a bit isolated as a new stay at home mom. Partly it was because I have a lot of crazy shit in my head and I needed a venue to get it out.

Whatever the reasons were, this little blog has been one of the best things I've ever done. I've discovered quite a bit about myself. How much I love writing. How much I love connecting to others through what I type out on my keyboard. I've made friends through this blog. I feel like this blog has given me so much more than I've given it.

So thanks for stopping by. Thanks for reading what I've written. Thanks for leaving comments. Thanks for just being the incredible people you are. If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have made it this far.

P.S. I know that gifts are not required on a blogiversary but I'm going to ask a big favor . . . could you please press that shiny button on the side bar and vote for me. You will have to register and set up an account but its worth it (to me). I've only got 11 votes so far and I'd love to get a few more for my blogiversary. Thanks again.

I'm An Underdog

I don't know if you've noticed the pretty little button over on the sidebar. The one that says I've been nominated for a Blogger's Choice Award for Best Parenting Blog.

That's amazing, right? Little old me, who has been blogging less than a year was nominated for an award. An award I have no real chance of winning, but I was still nominated. And its an honor to be nominated (or so they say).

But I feel like I need to fess up, to tell you the truth: I nominated myself.

Why would I do such a thing? Well its because I love blogging and I love this blog. I feel like I write some pretty darn good stuff and why shouldn't I be considered with the blogs that have hundreds or thousands of readers. I hope that all of you reading this feel the same way.

I might never have gone ahead and nominated myself if it weren't for the awesome Kate of The Big Piece of Cake. Kate was nominated for an award by a friend of hers and then decided to nominate herself for another. And then she started encouraging other bloggers to do the same, to take control, to put yourself out there. She even started a new blog to showcase the little guys, the Underdogs, as it were.



So here is what I am asking you to do. If you like what I write, click on that shiny new button and vote for me (please, pretty please with sugar and sprinkles on top). And then check out the Underdog's blog where you can find some new, extremely talented bloggers to read. Just think, you'll be getting in on the ground floor. When Kate (or myself) becomes the new Dooce, you can say I've been reading her forever.

Room For Improvement

Of the home, personal, family and bloggy variety.

On the blog front, I'm going to try actually blogging more than once a week. I know its a radical idea but it just might work. And thanks to a brilliant idea by Kate from The Big Piece of Cake I'm going to be making some changes over at Juniper and Coffee.

On the family front, we have started our homestudy process for our second adoption. There is so much paperwork to do and hoops to jump through but I am thrilled that we are making progress to bring our little baby home.

And where do I begin on personal improvement. I'm going to be 40 soon. I thought it would be a good idea to enter my 40s in good shape, a shape I'm proud to be in. Right now my shape is a bit too round, a bit too muffin topish for my liking. So I'm doing something about it. You know exercise more than twice a month, eat right etc.

I've set a goal to lose 30 pound by my birthday in September. Its kind of a huge goal but that was the weight I was 5 years ago and that is the weight I'd like to be again. If I reach my goal I am going to buy myself some ridiculously expensive rock star jeans. So far I've lost 1.5 pounds in a week and 1/2 so that's not too bad. We'll see if I can stick with it.

And finally home improvement. This is the biggie. Our house, as you know, is a CrapShack. But we've started making it better one room at a time, starting with the basement rec room. The sump pump has been installed. The dry wall is up.

And now . . . we've started painting!



The walls used to be a dark burgandy color which was perfect for the previous incarnation of the basement as Scottowatomi Bingo, Casino and Dancehall. But now with one child and another one on the way, we need to make it a bit more family friendly so we chose a warm taupe color. I think it will be much nicer and much lighter down there.



Now we just need to work on the floor. The floor has tile on it but it was ugly and stained so we put carpet down. Big mistake (what with the water and all). We are going to put new tiles down but we need to get up all of the wood and glue they used for the carpeting. I'm afraid this might take a while. But baby steps, right?

Resolutions, Shmesolutions

I've never been big on New Years resolutions. I make them all the time but I've never been really big on keeping them.

Maybe its because I make grand, life changing resolutions that aren't very concrete. This year I'll get more organized. Well considering that I have the organiztional skills of an amoeba its not that hard to do. But its also not quantifiable. How do I judge if I'm more organized? Does there have to be a place for everything and everything in its place? Do I have to develop tricky new systems for organization? Because I can come up with ideas with the best of them. The follow through not so much.

So I won't be getting organized this year because I don't know what it means.

This year I'll get in shape. Oh that is a great one. What shape would I like to be in? A square, a triangle, a dodecahedron? And how do I decide when I am actuall in shape? Who measures that?

I could say I'll lose x number of pounds. But by when? Is it okay if I gain them back? Probably not. For me this is a hard one. I'd love to lose weight but I if I don't then I get down on myself and feel worse. So I don't make this resolution anymore. If it happens then it will be a happy surprise.

None of these grand life changing resolutions for me. No my resolution is much more simple. I am going to make something every day. I am going to indulge my crafty side. I am going to be the old me every day even if its just a few minutes.

But as I've shown I'm all about this being quantifiable. The former lawyer side of me wants proof. How can I show that I have made something everyday? Why I'll blog about it, of course. Not here. Here is just for Bunny and my mommy life.

My crafty life deserves a pretty new blog of its own. So starting tomorrow I'm launching a new blog Juniper and Coffee. I plan on sharing my creative endeavors (or lack there of) and the cool artists that inspire me. I want to make it the kind of place that not only inspires me but inspires others to do stuff too. Maybe that is too grand, maybe its not but that is the plan for 2009.

How I Got My Bloggy Groove Back

As you know, on Friday I posted that I had lost it. I had nothing to say. It was hard for me but several of my wonderful readers like Kate, MamaCarter, Kristin, Anymommy Stacey and imommy all offered their support. So thanks ladies, I needed that.

I took their suggestion and took the weekend off from blogging. Time away helped me gain some perspective. The fact that I didn't have to blog, helped me think of things to blog again. I began to view situations and occurances through the "how would this look on my blog" lens again. This was good.

But the thing that really got me back into the frame of mind to blog again was something that I had been dreading all week. On Saturday I went to volunteer training for the Obama campaign. I wanted to volunteer but I had agreed to be on a team giving 10 hours a week. I wan't to sure about that commitment. So I was not excited to go to the training. But as these things go, it was very good and they got us all fired up.

Part of the training made me excited about blogging again. They wanted us to develop our story. To be able to share with the public during the campaign who we are and what has brought us here. They had two people come up and give their stories.

The first was Javier. He told of his parents fleeing war torn El Salvador. He told of growing up poor in an alcoholic home. How he became involved in crime and drugs before turning his life around at 23. He is now 25 and is filled with that wonder and excitement that you get when you realize your whole life is ahead of you.

The second person to share her story was Mary. Mary grew up in a conservative family in a small town. She was sent away to boarding school with the nuns because she was "too wild" for 1950s Kansas. She later became a nun herself. After she left religious life, she began to work with refugees in war torn areas. She lost a leg in the Sudan but continued her work. She most recently lived in South Africa, teaching at the Bishop Desmond Tutu school of peace.

As I listened to their stories, I thought my own story was nothing special. It was typical, white middle class, had all the advantages growing up, blah blah blah. I haven't struggled, I haven't done anything extraordinary. Who would want to listen to my story?

But it is my story. What has happened to me in the past has made me who I am today. I dealt with infertility. The path that I chose to walk down, led me to my daughter and will lead me to Turtle. What once cause me so much pain has brought me to joy. And what is happening to me now will make me into my future self.

So my story may be mundane but its my story and I want to tell it. And that is why I blog.

I've Lost All Contact With The Outside World

So the internet was down from Wednesday night through last night. I freaked out. How could I check my e-mail? I had blogs to read. I needed to Twitter (okay maybe I didn't need to Twitter but I wanted to). I needed to post on my blog.

I needed the internet but it was not there.

Well when I came home from dinner at my parents house, the internet was back up and running. I should have been jumping for joy. But I wasn't. I checked my e-mail, nothing iteresting. Tweeted once (see you really don't need to tweet). Read one blog of the 167 waiting to be read (note to self don't add anymore blogs to reader until you clean it up). Then I turned off the computer and went to watch TV.

I didn't even check my blog stats or look at my blog. I had been chastised by more than one person for not posting the last two days, but I still didn't start a new post. I realized I had nothing to say. I'd started a few posts and abandoned them. Some I may go back to, the rest I gave up on for good. But there was nothing inside just waiting to come out, nothing that needed to be said.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Its not just writer's block. Its more of a general malaise. We are off schedule, there was no music class, no play date this week and gymnastics was skipped because Bunny had a cold. Maybe its because everyone here is sick. Maybe its all the disruption from the construction. Maybe its because I've been bad cop this week and Bunny has said on more than one occasion that she doesn't like me. Maybe its . . . or maybe its not.

I feel like all the dust the workers raised has settled in my brain. Filling in all the crevices. Numbing me. I need to shake it off but I can't. I'm too tired. I just want . . . I don't know what I want.

101

This post is my 101st post on this blog.

When I started this blog a little over three months ago, I had no idea what it would be. At first it was just going to be a way to document Bunny's life and share pictures of her. It was really meant for friends and family.

I had/have another blog that I sometimes posted in. It was mainly for my jewelry busines but I talked about my life there. I figured that I would keep that blog going for myself and this blog would all be about Bunny.

But I learned something, Bunny is my life. I can't really seperate one from the other. She has shaped how I view the world, how I react to situations. It seemed more appropriate to talk about things here.

I started my other blog in 2006 and I never was really comfortable blogging there. I'd ignore it for long stretches of time. In fact in two years I've only posted there 98 times. 101 in three plus months or 98 times in two years, no contest as to which one I care about more.

I shared my other blog with the Etsy community. But I never got the same sort of reaction to it as I've gotten from you all on this one. Perhaps that is why this blog has become my primary outlet, because of you, my readers.




So in celebration of my 101st post on But Why Mommy, I am going to give away this pair of earrings from my Etsy shop. All you have to do win is leave a comment. Tell me how you found me, what you like about this blog, if you think I'm nuts or whatever you feel like telling me. I'll keep the comments open for a week and the winner will be announced on August 11.

The winner will be chosen at random. Well actually it will be chosen by assigning a number to your comment. The number will then be chosen out of a hat by Bunny or her father should Bunny decide to dump the numbers out, choose multiple numbers or in anyother way act like a 2 1/2 year old. On second thought the winner will be chosen by Bubs.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me

The internets like me. I am so honored.

I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank my daughter for being herself. I'd like to thank my cat for peeing everywhere (well not really and don't get any more bright ideas Tabasco). I'd like to thank my husband for putting up with all the chaos and for creating some himself.

What's all the hubub about? Why am I channeling my inner Sally Field? Jyll from Never a Dull Moment gave me this cool little award.



The rules of this award are that you are supposed to:
1. Put the logo on your blog,
2. Add a link to the person who nominated you,
3. Nominate 7 more awesome bloggers.

So I nominate these wondrous bloggers:
Stacey from Is There Any Mommy Out There for being a great nay an amazing mom and for telling it how it is.

Meghan from A Mom Two Boys for being the genius behind All Mediocre and giving me an internet home.

Eat Play Love for making kneesocks cool again.

Kate from The Big Piece of Cake for reminding me why I don't dance any more.

Amy from Amy In Ohio because she shares my obsession with Jon & Kate Plus 8.

And MamaCarter from Insane Toddler because she knows me and really does like me.