Thursday, December 31, 2009

Darkness and Light

I've written several versions of this post, wondering how best to sum up this past year for me and my hopes for the new year. Most of the posts contained explanations and rehashings of the the cloud that I have been residing under for the past six months. It didn't feel right. I didn't want to focus on what has kept me from being creative and has, at times, kept me from even opening this blog.

This cloud has been me, a part of who I was. However, I am addressing it. I am learning how to deal with it. I am moving out from under its shadow. I will not give it anymore power.

Today was a microcosm of this past year. I decided at the last minute to have a mini New Years celebration for our family. The tree of us would ring in the New Year with a meal, desert and surprise treats. I had a lot of work to do, making a list, running to the store, dealing with crowds, and preparing everything just right.

My parents offered to take Bunny to the Domes, one of her favorite places. This gave me about an hour to make a surgical strike on the grocery shopping. I went to my favorite neighborhood market. Normally I enjoy it but today as I circled the parking lot for a spot, I could feel my chest start to tighten. As I walked the aisles, I was cut off, banged into and generally jostled with every step. I could see the dark clouds over my head and my mood darkened with it.

All I wanted was to get everything on my list and get the heck out of there. I stood at the checkout counter, ready to pay. The exit was in site. I was almost free. Just then, the woman behind me, engrossed in a conversation with her husband, rammed her cart into my side. She looked up, startled at what she had done and mumbled that she was sorry. And promptly ran over my foot. Ouch. &*@#**%@*&$##%$$$&**%#$**!

I fled to the safety of my car. I was stewing about the stupid people and the ruined morning. I realized that I forgot something on my list. Of course I forgot, that's just the way things go. Rather than returning to the store, I got the heck out of dodge. I hoped that another store would have what I needed and would be less of a hassle. It was not, but I managed to escape the store with what I needed and without bodily harm.

As I drove home in a foul mood, I passed my favorite coffee shop. Coffee! An extra large, superhuman sized latte would solve my problems. Or at least make me feel better. As I approached the door, I noticed a woman holding two large cups. She looked directly at me with a smile on her face (something I hadn't seen all morning) and said "Happy New Year!"

I nearly stopped in my tracks. What was happy about it? There was a storm raging inside of me. This happened and that happened and I need to do this and that and I've got to go there and . . . And oh my god shut the heck up Renee!

The woman was smiling, she was in a good mood (she had coffee) and in that moment her saying "Happy New Year" made it happy. The wind started blowing my cloud away, making room for some much needed sunshine. I could smile. I could say "Happy New Year". I could be happy. I could do all of this, if I wanted.

I want it, I really do.

Happy New Year. May this year bring us all more happiness.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

BFL Picks

Football pick time. Winners in red and bold

Dallas @ New Orleans

Chicago @ Baltimore
New England @ Buffalo
Arizona @ Detroit
Houston @ St. Louis
Miami @ Tennessee
Cleveland @ Kansas City
Atlanta @ NY Jets
San Francisco @ Philadelphia
Oakland @ Denver
Green Bay @ Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay @ Seattle
Minnesota @ Carolina

Monday Night
NY Giants @ Washington
Combined MNF score - 44

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ruby Slippers

Ruby slippers are magic. Everyone knows that. If you click your heels three times, you can leave the world you thought you wanted but really didn't. Three clicks of those ruby slippers and you can be magically transported to the safety and security of home.

If I had ruby slippers, I would go clickety, clickety, click in hopes of getting out of my funk. Click. Click. Click. I would fast forward time to skip this winter of waiting. Click. Click. Click. Now its spring and I am full of hope. Click. Click. Click. Now I am holding my son. Click. Click. Click. Now I am home. Click. Click. Click. Now our home is complete.

But alas I do not have ruby slippers. I am destined to wander down this yellow brick road, wherever it may lead. I am the Cowardly Lion, often scared of my own shadow. I am the Tin Man, my heart is missing a piece. I am the Scarecrow, my brain has left me. I am Dorothy, looking for my home.

Ruby slippers are magic. There is a little girl with ruby slippers. She is dancing, singing and twirling. She holds out her hand for me to join her. I take it and the magic envelops me. I know that if I follow her lead down this yellow brick road, I will find everything I need.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I'm Back, Well Sort Of

I know I haven't blogged in a while. I could give you a host of reasons, but the truth is I don't know why. So I'm just going to do the football picks and see what happens with the rest of the week.

New Orleans @ Atlanta
Green Bay @ Chicago
Denver @ Indianapolis
Buffalo @ Kansas City
NY Jets @ Tampa Bay
Miami @ Jacksonville
Detroit @ Baltimore
Seattle @ Houston
Cincinnati @ Minnesota
Carolina @ New England
St. Louis @ Tennessee
Washington @ Oakland
San Diego @ Dallas
Philadelphia @ NY Giants

Monday Night
Arizona @ San Francisco
Combined MNF Score - 37