The Uncontrol

I am a control freak.

I want things to go my way.

I need things to go my way.

When things do not go my way as they usually don't, I kinda freak out about it.

Ok, I really freak out about it.

I try to control the uncontrollable and generally make myself miserable in the process.

Nap time is at 12 noon. Snuggle time starts soon thereafter. I love this time. I need this time.

Nap time isn't going to happen today. Despite waking up at 5:30, Lion has decided the 15 minutes he slept in the car is enough. I tried to force the issue. I tried to control the uncontrollable.

It didn't work.

I started to lose it. I wanted to cry. So I did the next best thing, I stepped back. I left the room. I let the kids play together. I cried for a few minutes then I just let it go. I breathed in and out. I was okay.

It was okay.

Balance, What Balance?

In this post I ask for your help. I am truly, desperately in need of some advice.

I have two children. You can see their smiling faces in my header picture. I love my children, I truly do. But did you know that my children possess an evil super power? It's true.

My children possess the power to manipulate time. They can take a normal day with 24 hours in it and make all of those 24 hours all about them. Now they may leave me a spare 5 minutes here or there to go to the bathroom, but more often than not they don't.

I have told my husband of their evil time manipulation but he does not believe me. "Honey, there are still 24 hours in the day. No one can change it" he tells me.

"No you don't understand," I argue. "We woke up and I was going to do some laundry. We some how ended up in the car and there was some screaming and hitting. Every time I turned around there was a child at my hip looking at me with a evil smile and laughing. Before I know it it's 11:30 at night and I haven't showered in 2 days. They are doing something to me I just know it. They are stealing time."

Even when I can grab a few spare minutes for myself to write this post, I can hear my son laughing an evil laugh and throwing things in the sink. I think he may have even thrown the cat in the sink.

So here is my desperate plea, I need some advice on how to steal the time back from my children. I have looked in all the places where they normally hide things and it is not there.

How do you get things done? How do you find time for yourself? How do you find time to shower?

And if its hopeless, please lie to me. Please I beg of you.

Sometimes The Glitter And Rainbows Look A Little Different

Today is my birthday.

Today is just another ordinary day. The world did not stop for me. There were no unicorns, no rainbows, no pink puffy heart stickers. Instead there were frozen waffles, runny noses and poopy diapers.

My birthday in 2010 did not turn out as I had envisioned. There is no flying car or robot maid. Instead I drove Bunny to school in an old SUV and I am the one picking up the legos that are left out for me to step on.

There is nothing extraordinary about my day, nothing special to mark my 41 years on this earth. Instead it is just an ordinary day filled with kisses and hugs, handmade birthday cards and pictures of pink unicorns with hearts and glitter.

And I'm totally cool with that (except I really, really want a flying car)

In the Midnight Hour

It's 10:00 or 10:30. The Brewer game has just ended. The movie is over. The news is finished. My husband yawns and says he is heading up to bed.

Bed. I love bed. I am exhausted. My body longs to follow him. My brain knows it's the right thing to do. However, I don't. I say "I'll be up in a few minutes."

Even though I need sleep to reenergize myself for another day of parenting the CEO and the Vampire, I don't go to bed. I stay up.

This is my time. The time when I am completely alone. No one is attached to my hip. No one is asking me for a snack. No one is whining. No one is hitting or biting or crying. No one is doing anything because it is just me.

So I sit in a darkened living room, the flickering TV is my only company. I may check in with my friends on Twitter . I * may* clean or do some laundry. I might read a book.

I could sit out on the porch watching the stillness of the night. I could slink around on cats' paws to watch my children sleep.

I could do anything or I could do nothing. It is my time.

I love Bunny with her freakish genius and her glorious imagination.

I love Lion with his boundless energy and his heart stopping smile.

I love my children for the endless possibilities that they have before them. I am truly happy that I get to play a part in who they become.

But, I love being alone. I love the solitude. I love the quiet. I love the ability to do whatever I want, to remember, to just be me.

So I will continue to wander in the midnight hour, in solitude.

Doing the Hustle

I stand on an ordinary street corner. One of the streets leads to my home. One leads to the airport and on to Ethiopia.

I notice you approaching me on the corner. I open one side of my coat, heavy with necklaces and earrings. I say to you, "Hey you wanna buy some jewelry? I've got pretty, shiny jewelry. Its on sale."

I sense you shaking your head no. So I open the other side of my coat. Its filled with bottles of lotions, potions and lipstick. "Do you want to buy some skin care? Make up? Come on you know you want to."

I walk the walk. I talk the talk. But inside I feel like I should hand you an arrow, a razor blade, a knife. I would open my coat and wait for you to cut my flesh with no's. I'm not a born salesperson. I don't want people to think poorly of me. Every no is a rejection. Its an indictment of me and who I am.

Instead, I fasten my belt on my coat. I run to my car with my head down. I speed away down the street leading to my house. I run into my house. I lock the door and turn off all the lights. If I lock myself in, you can't see me. You can't hurt me, you can't reject me. But then again, if I shut that door, I'll never know if I could have succeeded.

When I decided to stay home, I planned on making and selling jewelry. I had a vision in my head that I would contribute to my family's lively hood by doing two things I loved, making jewelry and being with my daughter. It hasn't worked out quite the way I've planned. So I embarked on a new venture, selling skin care, make up and wellness products with Arbonne. I love the products and I saw great things in the business. But then the doubts started sinking in. Can I do this? Am I good enough? I stalled. I failed before I even got off the ground just like I had done before.

But for once in my life, I'm taking the chance because its not about me. I am doing this for my family, for my Lion. I am going to contribute to my family. I am going to help bring Lion home. I am going to get off my ass and actually do something for a change. Maybe I'll succeed. Maybe I'll fail. But I am going to try.

So here I am on the street corner, announcing to you, to the internets, to the world, that I sell stuff. I sell really cool stuff. I sell pretty, shiny things. I sell lotions, potions and lipsticks that are truly wonderful. I am doing this for myself. I am doing this for Bunny. I am doing this for Lion. I am doing this for my family, to contribute to a savings account that will be wiped out by this adoption.

Don't worry, I won't hit you over the head with this. I'm going to add some nice buttons to my sidebar. If you are interested, you can contact me or e-mail me and we'll talk. If not that's okay. It won't hurt me.

Illogical

Last night as I was brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and did an inspection of what I saw.

I noticed the winter paleness was already setting in, perhaps a result of having 3 sunny days in the entire month of October. I made a mental note to use a little blush so I could look human again. I noticed a pimple on my chin and sighed. 40 years old and I'm still getting pimples.

I moved on to my hair. As I said before, I'm a bit vain about my hair. I like it to look good. For a while now, I've been getting red highlights in my hair. I love them. They make me feel like a rebellious teenager at 40. But they don't last. I had them done 3 weeks ago and as I looked in the mirror I saw a blondish, pinkish, orangey mess. Not good. So I don't think I'll be getting them the next time I go in.

Then I looked at my roots. My hair has been colored various shades over the past 20 years and I don't know my real color anymore. I didn't get my roots done last time I went in, so its been over two months and you couldn't tell. So apparently I'm paying money to dye my hair its natural color (well with a little more red but its basically the same).

My inspection was almost over and I was ready to go to bed when I saw it. At first I wasn't sure what I saw. I thought it might be, but no it couldn't really be. Could it? No it definitely was. A grey hair. My first grey hair.

I felt a strange sensation. It wasn't sadness. It wasn't regret at getting older. I am older, its a fact.

It was something much weirder. I was excited. I felt this strange thrill at having my first grey hair.

Why? Well I still feel like this stupid little kid most of the time. I feel like I have no idea what is going on. And maybe, just maybe grey hair will impart some sort of wisdom on me.

Illogical I know. Give me a week and I'm sure I'll hate it.

Tonight I Wore Red Lipstick

Tonight I wore red lipstick.

Tonight I was a different, more mysterious version of myself.

I always wanted to be the kind of girl who wore red lipstick, the girl who stood out in the crowd. Instead I was the girl who stood in the back wearing lip balm. If I was feeling particularly daring, I would wear a tinted lip balm or lip gloss. For business purposes I would wear my tried and true MAC Twig, a shade described as a soft, muted brownish-pink. It really fit me to a T, I am soft, muted and brownish-pink.

Sometimes I would experiment. I would try bolder, more adventurous colors. Trying to make myself more bold, more adventurous. Sometimes I succeeded. Sometimes I failed. In fact, I have a drawer full of my failures.

Red scared me. Red was too vivacious, too daring. Red was too red.

But one day, I crossed that imaginary line in the sand. I bought a red lipstick. I don't know if it was the right shade for me but I bought it. Carrying it home in my bag, it felt like I was carrying an ancient treasure. I was carrying something that would connect me with famous femme fatales throughout history.

I got home. I ran in the bathroom. I closed the door. I tried on the lipstick. And I hated it. I thought it looked good but I didn't look like me. I looked like someone else, someone who was trying too hard. So I hid it away in the medicine cabinet. Occasionally, I would try it on before I went out. But I would always chicken out, I would cover it with a gloss or another color. I would change it.

But not tonight. Tonight I wore red lipstick.

I was different.

I was the same.

I wore the same shirt and jeans I had run errands in earlier in the day. I traded out my converse for some high heeled boots (because a 5'10" woman can always stand to have an extra 2 inches). I wore perfume. I wore red lipstick.

I was me and I was confident.

For those of you who made it to the end, here are the football picks:

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh

San Francisco @ Houston

San Diego @ Kansas City

Green Bay @ Cleveland

Indianapolis @ St. Louis

New England @ Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ Carolina

NY Jets @ Oakland

Atlanta @ Dallas

Chicago @ Cincinnati

New Orleans @ Miami

Arizona @ NY Giants

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington

Combined Score 35

Carded

I have a dilemma. Since I am going to Lobby Con at BlogHer this year, I need to have some spiffy business cards to promote my blogs.

It makes perfect sense, cards help people remember who you are. But I have three business that I would like to promote - this blog, Juniper and Coffee and my Etsy store. And three business cards seems like an awful lot to hand out.

And there is also the added problem that every time I've ordered business cards in my professional life, I've quit that job within six month. I don't want to quit blogging or making jewlery so should I even risk ordering cards?

So that is my little dilemma. I would appreciate hearing what you are doing and what you think I should do.

Do Over

In January, intoxicated with all the possibilities that a new year brings, I started another blog. I was ambitious. I thought the challenge of crafting every day for 365 days and then blogging about it was doable. I was naive.

There are some days when I can barely hold my head above water. I am running here and there. Pulled in a million different directions all at once, usually by the suprisingly strong hand of a willful three year old, I couldn't live up to the resolution. What was supposed to be a fun experiment, something just for me, became a chore. And frankly a bore. I dreaded doing something that I usually find so much joy in because I had to do it. So I didn't, I let it slide, I let it go.

But I loved the idea behind the blog, creating something every day. The further I got away from it the more I realized that what I really wanted to do was create beautiful things. By creating these beautiful things, I would be making my life more beautiful. That is really what I wanted to share in my blog, how I could create a more beautiful life for myself and my family by the simple act of making something.

So I've decided to re-launch Juniper and Coffee as a place to share how we make our lives just a little bit more beautiful. I'll also be re-launching my my jewelry business, trying new things, posting tutorials of the projects that work, showcasing Camp Crafty projects I've done with Bunny, and highlighting really cool crafty people along the way.

I'm really excited about this. And to help you get as excited as I am, I'm hosting a giveaway. I'll be giving away this beautiful necklace. So please check it out and support me in my new(ish) venture.

Hair, Long Beautiful Hair

Well at least longer than it is now.

That is right I am going to grow out my hair. As I called back in August when I cut it, I didn't even last a year before I wanted to grow it out again. Call it a short attention span, call it caprice, call it crazy, its just who I am.

But now I have to suffer through the akward stages of growing my hair. Gone are the days where I could just put a little product in my hair, mess it up and go. Its too long for that but it is also to short to tuck behind my ears. So now I have to do my hair. There is curling, teasing, spraying involved every morning just to get it to a presentable state. I just don't have the time for that. But without it, I'm a walking bad hair day.

So I've looked for alternatives, hair accessories. Clips and headbands are my new best friends. I've got your basic black headband and a few stretchy ones. I started out stealing Bunny's hair clips (the little ones with the sparkely flowers) since they don't stay in her hair, I might as well wear them. These get me through those rough days. Not exactly a fashion statement but they will do.

Then the wonderful Kate of The Big Piece of Cake, as she often does, came to my rescue. She introduced me to Andrea's Beau, a fabulous line of hair accessories. Now, with all the imaginary disposable income I have, I can buy these beauties:





Because how awesome would I look in them?

But alas I am short on funds so I am posting this in hopes that someone will take pity on me and buy one for me. Or that I will win Kate's giveaway.

Uniformity

When I was in school (Catholic school) I wore a uniform. Blue pants or skirt and white shirt in grade school and a plaid skirt and white shirt in high school. I hated wearing a uniform. I didn't want to be like everyone else, I wanted to be an individual. So I tried to push the boundaries. I was out of uniform almost every day, not a lot but just enough to make me feel like I was being myself.

More often than not my little transgressions were not noticed. I rarely got in trouble for it. But I still felt like a rebel.

Now that I am older, I understand the value of uniforms. They are easy. You don't have to think about it, you just slip it on and go. I can't tell you how many times I would stand in my closet while I was working and throw reject after reject on the bed. Some days it took me an hour to get dressed. Not good, especially when your boss is a man who can't possibly understand.

I don't have the same worries now that I am home. I don't need to impress anyone. I'm not dressing for success, I'm dressing for comfort. My uniform consists of jeans, sweaters and t-shirts. And if I'm being honest, sweat pants.

But those sweat pants, however comfy they are, are not allowed to cross the threshold of my house. I swore I would never be that mom. I would not wear my sweats in public (unless I just left the gym and that rarely happens anymore). So I'll be in the house in sweats and even if I'm running out to the store for 10 minutes I have to put on my jeans. I just do.

Maybe there is still a little rebel in me.

Shameless Self Promotion Saturday

Today is the Second Annual Blogger Holiday Arts and Crafts Fair hosted by Neil over at Citizen of the Month. It is an awesome virtual fair highlighting the work of some very talented people.

Because I am one of the participants, I've decided to offer a discount for my lovely readers (all 6 of you). But Why Mommy readers will receive 20% off of everything in my Etsy shop this weekend.

Here is how the discount works:
Mention But Why Mommy in the notes to seller and I will send you a revised invoice to pay.

Be sure to visit Citizen of the Month to check out all the other cool shops.

Happy Shopping.

Are You Going to Work, Daddy?

This is a question that gets asked daily in our house. 5 days a week the answer is always yes. But not today. Today is different. Today is the first day of my husband's staycation.

What is a staycation, you may ask.

According to the Urban Dictionary, a staycation is "a vacation that is spent at one's home enjoying all that home and one's home environs have to offer."

My husband has a few things planned for his staycation. He wants to golf (its November in Wisconsin, even my golf fanatic dad has his clubs in the basement, but whatever) and he wants to go to the casino to check out the new poker room. No problem, those are reasonable requests.

But he wants to spend the rest of the time hanging out with his girls. In order to enjoy all that home and one's home environs have to offer, Bubs will be spending the week doing the following:

1. Going to music class (with me)
2. Going to swim class (without me)
3. Going to the park
4. Helping me potty train Bunny - you know I was saving that one until I had help
5. Cleaning
6. Working around the house

So in other words he will spend his staycation doing my job.

Which is pretty sweet for me. With his help, I may even find time to go to the grocery store without a toddler, to go to the gym which is actually open days other than Saturday (or so the sign says), to sleep in, to shower on a daily basis (which is also good for everyone else).

So it appears that a stay at home mom can in fact have a staycation.

Tag You're It

A while back, I was tagged by the lovely Karen of Mommy I am Home to share 7 random or weird facts about yourself. Since I am all about the weird and random, I thought I would give it a shot.

So here goes:

1. I started this post and then went to save it but accidently hit publish. So if this showed up in your reader with just a blank #1, then I'm sorry. I'm kind of a dork that way.

2. I have some sort of adult ADD. I find it hard to concentrate on one thing so I always have multiple projects going. But my multi-tasking rarely gets completed. I find half-finished pieces all the time. The same goes for books. One day I will finish them.

3. I am a fountain of useless information. I know all of these random facts and I have no idea why. I always win when I play trivial pursuit. But ask me what I did yesterday and I might not remember.

4. I have a great sense of direction and can get anywhere if I've been there before. But I can not give you directions without pointing the way you need to go. If I tell you to turn right make sure you see which way my hands are going. The hands are always right.

5. I haven't had a caffeinated beverage in almost 20 years. But I still drink coffee every day.

6. My porn name (the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on) is Sugar Hi Mount. I think I'll keep it.

7. I did a workout video yesterday and now it causes me pain to walk. This is why I don't workout on a regular basis.

Well that is it. I'm sure I could come up with a million other weird and random things about me, but I want you all to keep reading.

I'm supposed to tag some people now but I'm feeling rather lazy so I tag everyone who is reading.

Comparisons

Well since I've cut my hair, I've been told 10 times how much I look like Jamie Lee Curtis. It happens every time I cut my hair.

What do you think?


Image courtesy of Wire Image



Do you look like anyone famous?

Hair, The Musical

Let's just put it out there - I have good hair. Its the one thing about myself that I am vain about. I used to hate it but give me some good color and a good cut and I love it.

The cut and color are so good right now that I get stopped on the street and complimented about my hair. People have even taken pictures of it to show their hairdresser. It was better than someone complimenting your outfit. Your hair is a part of you, it is who you are. I was the girl with the cute blond(ish) bob.

Which is going to make what I'm about to say sound weird. Yesterday I cut it. I cut it all off.



Why would I do that if I am so vain about my hair? Because I also have a short attention span. I want change. I've changed jobs a lot (since graduating from law school 10 years ago I've had 9 jobs). But the easiest thing to change about yourself is your hair. You can color it, cut it, grow it out and do it all over again.

I was born with blond hair that grew into beautiful little waves. Then when it turned darker, my mom cut it short (boy short). Then I had a Dorothy Hamil and several million perms (what was I thinking). I started leaving it strait and it looked much better. It was short (really short), it was long. I also experimented with color, blonde, red, brown (my natural color, I think) and combinations of all of them. I always wanted pink streaks but never got them, maybe next time.

I discovered my safety zone is a bob with bangs. I had it in college, in law school, when I got married and recently. I know I'll always go back to it. But it doesn't stop me from trying new things.

So yesterday, I cut my hair short. It looks great. Its much easier to do. But I know that within the year I will start to grow it out and start all over again.