Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Silence

It started off simply enough, busy days led to tired nights. I should have blogged. I could have blogged. But I did not. Instead I did other things. I curled up with a book or watched reruns on TV. I did laundry or cleaned. Or I did nothing, the lying on your bed, stretching out, finding comfort kind of nothing.

As I lay there a sort of rebellious feeling welled in my chest. "This is where you belong" it whispered. "Stay here. Its cool here. So comfortable." I listened to the whispers. I tended to agree with them. So I stayed. I was comfortable. Then stealthily, almost conspiritorially, the cats would jump on the bed with me. They yawned and stretched, just as I had done, and laid down next to me. "Stay here. Pet me. Love me"

The signs were all telling me to stay. So I did.

And as they days flew by and the nights were spent in comfortable nothingness, it was easier not to blog. I didn't run to the computer in the morning and open up my browsers to the proper sites so I could sneak a few minutes here and there. I avoided the computer, stopping in only to check my e-mail.

The longer I stayed away from the computer, the less I thought like a writer. I didn't pick up my journal. I didn't jot down ideas on scrap pieces of paper. I didn't compose lengthy posts in my head. There was nothing in my head, in my heart that was trying to be heard. I did not have ideas fighting to get out. I was not looking for the right words. I my mind was silent, almost still. Almost.

At first I stayed away out of rebellion, out of laziness. I don't have to do this. Then I stayed away because of the silence. I can't do this. There is nothing to do, nothing to say.

The silence is still there, drowning out everything else. In a way it is peaceful. I don't have to worry. I could given in to the silence. I may still give in. I can listen to the silence to see what it has to teach me. There are always lessons to be learned.

I can just let it carry me along, to find out where it wants me to go. And it just might help me find my words, my story.

9 comments:

mommygeekology said...

When you find your words again, we'll be here. I can't wait to hear your story.

Issas Crazy World said...

I so get this. I truly do.

I hope you don't stay silent for too long, because I miss you. Whenever you find your words, I will be hear waiting. Promise.

One more thing...if you need anything my friend, you know where to find me. Hugs.

michelle said...

Sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup so that your thoughts can flow again. I want you to know that I really enjoy what you write and I still say you should write a book....

Maura said...

I'm a firm believer in doing what you need to do when it comes to your blog. I've taken a year off before, I've taken a few months off. And it was all OK. Eventually, I wanted to write again. I don't force it and it makes me happy.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

This is how I felt after my blog hiatus. I did read blogs while I was at the beach - but it was almost like reading a magazine. I could put it aside and then pick it up at my leisure. No pressure.

Just enjoy it. August is SLOW!

(but enter my giveaway - bunny needs a rabbit shirt)

betty said...

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Heidi said...

I get this.

Great, great post.

Kari said...

I can so relate.

Everytime I feel like this, I try to remember...this is my blog, my thoughts, my writing - the only rules are my own, and I don't have any. It's for me. When I am inspired to write, I will. When I am inspired to read other's words, I will. When others want to read my words, they will. It's not going to go away, just because it is quiet for however long it needs to be.

anymommy said...

Everyone else has already said it. Take your time. Live in your silence. We'll be here. This is only fulfilling if you do it on your terms.