Tuesday, March 16, 2010


This morning I woke up and I was sure we were going to get good news. I was sure that our agency was going to tell us we had been placed in the April travel group. I was sure we would see Lion soon.

The sun was shining. The air was warm with that early spring feel. This was going to be a good day, I just knew it.

I had toyed with the idea of going to the gym to work out. When I felt the warm air, I had other ideas. I knew this would be the perfect opportunity to go to the zoo. Perfect to spend time with my Bunny, to remember what it was like when it was just the two of us. When she was my only and I was hers alone.

As I got ready to go to the zoo for our adventure, I put on my watch, earrings and wedding ring just as I do every morning. I also grabbed a small stone from my night stand. It is round and smooth. It has the names of my children Bunny and Lion written on in. I placed the stone in my pocket as I do every morning. The stone is small enough that I don't notice it. But occasionally I will feel its weight, I will touch it when I place my hand in my pocket. The weight, the touch remind me that everything I do is for my children. It reminds me to move forward, to do what is best, to love, to laugh even when I don't want to.

Along with my stone, I took a small elastic band and placed it on my wrist. It has a silver bar with the word positivity engraved on it. This band was given to me by a friend. I am supposed to snap it when I feel a negative thought. It is supposed to break the cycle of negativity and help me focus on all the good in my life.

I have always tended to dwell on the negative. I am a glass half empty kind of girl. I don't want to be, I just am. There have been times when the negativity, the darkness threatened to swallow me. The darkness was my companion, my lover. It would whisper things in my ear, terrible things I did not want to hear. "You do not deserve to be happy. This is not for you. Just give up, you would fail anyways." I would listen and I would believe.

One day, I decided I had had enough. I began to fight the darkness, the negativity. I started to win. I saw beauty where I had only seen a void before. Things were brighter. I felt things more truly. And then my friend gave me this band. She did not know where I had been, she only knew that this would help.

I carry my rock and my band with me everywhere. They remind me of what is important. They remind me to focus on the good, on the now. The good and the now, a little girl in a riot of pinks and purples running and laughing. Just her and me, together. That is what is real.

Today, this morning, I felt all of the beauty in life. I saw only potential. I saw the positive. I will carry this morning in my heart forever.

The morning was beautiful but the afternoon had other ideas. It brought my old lover to the door with a bouquet of flowers and a smile begging for forgiveness. "Please take me back" he whispered. "I am the only one who understands you. You need me. You know you do."

The afternoon brought a phone call from our agency. I was expecting a call. I was expecting good news. I was wrong. I had thought we had passed court, that we could travel soon. I found out that the staff in Ethiopia had mistakenly informed our agency that we had passed. We had not. Our case had been postponed and postponed again. It was now scheduled for the 26th.

I felt a white hot anger rising within me. I heard the woman on the phone telling me things, things I could not comprehend. The words were just noise. My lover stood nearby, whispering in my ear "come my love, I am here for you". I was ready to give in. I was tired of fighting, tired of waiting. Good things don't happen to me. Yes, I said to the darkness. I am yours.

In that moment, when all seemed lost, I felt a blast of cold, wet air on my face. It startled me back to reality. I felt it again and again. My daughter, my true love, was sitting in my lap blowing raspberries three inches from my nose and laughing. The laughter rang out bright and true. This is what was important.

I heard the woman on the phone say we are working for you. If your case passes court, we will do everything we can to get you in to the April group. We will get you to your son as soon as possible. I thanked her for all that she was doing and I hung up.

I had received terrible. devastating news but I did not cry. I could not cry in front of Bunny. It would not solve anything. I stayed strong. I focused on her, on the here and the now. We put on our coats and ran back out into the sunshine. We laughed and played.

I did not cry.

I would not cry.

(But I did develop a rather nasty looking red welt on my wrist from snapping my positivity band)


Anonymous said...

I love you!!! You have all the support from your family possible. Your nieces and nephew love you bunches. I can't imagine what its like to wait like this but snap that bracelet again reminding yourself that the positive thing is that Lion will be home soon. Not as soon as you had hoped, but he will be home soon. :)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh - I'm so sorry. I so wish you didn't have to experience this setback. But this piece is beautiful and I loved reading it. I am very glass half full (via a strong inclination for dissociation) so I will think positive thoughts on your behalf. April will be your month!

The Hopeful Elephant said...

Our adoption traveled an ugly course several times. I, too, gave in to the darkness. But I learned to say, "this too shall pass." It didn't work a ton, but it helped.

Also, are you willing to share where you got such a wonderful bracelet? I wore a rubber band on my arm during nursing school and snapped myself...but to have a pretty one would be great! I sure do need it!

PrincessJenn said...

I'm so sorry you're still waiting for Lion.
I wish there was some way we could help you, other than sending lots of virtual hugs and love.

michelle said...

This post has a storybook quality to it. I can't believe how visual you made your feelings. Just keep your chin up and Lion will be in your arms sooner than you can "blink"....

Bridget said...

Oh, I hate that things have been delayed again! You are so often in my thoughts and prayers.

(And I love the idea of this positivity bracelet...I may have to steal that idea!)

anymommy said...

It's okay to let it out and cry, you know that, right? That is devastating and I am so sorry. Once you've had that good cry, THEN snap the band and focus on your beautiful daughter. Love to you. I'm waiting with you, for what it's worth.

Christy said...

Oh I'm so sorry Renee! What a shame - I can't imagine how disheartening that phone call was for you. I think tears are okay though...maybe later, after Bunny's asleep...they really help me feel better sometimes. In the meantime, I'll be sending you positive thoughts and really praying you get to travel in April!!!

Heather said...

oh sweetie I am so very sorry. But I am so glad that you have that welt, when you aren't wearing your bracelet you can rub it so that you remember that having a positive outlook isn't all rainbows and sunshine and glitter all the time, its about knowing that it gets better. It may not be today or tomorrow, but you will have your Lion in your arms soon and he has someone who loves him and is waiting for him.

Much love my friend, also I have totally lost track of my 40 heartfelt comments....LOL

Tamara B said...

Renee, I have checked out your blog before... I just didn't make the connection. We live in the very NE corner of the state, about 2 hrs from Iowa City. We're pretty closer to the corners of MN, IA, and WI.

tamara b

Anonymous said...

We love you and are so disappointed with you. We all want to hold and love Lion as soon as possible. And we will, we will, we will. Just keep saying that mantra and know that you are not alone in all of this. Blink, snap, smile--whatever it takes, and play with that bundle of joy of ours--all in pink. Soon!!!
g'ma marsha

Merry said...

Great post! I have to get me one of those bands. I, like you, am one of those people who looks at the negative instead of the positive. It is a very hard habit to break.

I hope that your case gets passed & that you get to go get your son in April. You and your family are in my thoughts!

Rosana said...

Renee, I've been thinking of you ever since I read news about your dossier. I'm so sorry that these pieces of paper have caused you such a great deal of pain and grief. I hope that the darkness will not be your companion, nor your lover in the days and weeks ahead. You deserve to be happy and to experience the brighter side of these challenging times. Bunny and Lion are blessed to have such a loving mommy. By the way, I love your post titled, "My Heart." Absolutely beautiful.