National Adoption Month - Jamie and Jeremy

November is National Adoption Month. I will be sharing stories of families touched by adoption. This is the story of Jamie and Jeremy. Jamie has a wonderful design blog Kreyv .

In August of 2004, I was diagnosed with Hodgekin Lymphoma. I was only 24 at the time and was not concerned about any infertility issues. After all, the disease had an excellent cure rate and, in most cases, patients in remission were able to conceive a year following treatments. Unfortunately, the cancer relapsed in April of 2005, and in July of that same year, I underwent a stem cell transplant. It was during my second round of treatments that I was told that it was very unlikely that I would ever be able to become pregnant.

Of course this news was absolutely devastating. I think we all imagine our lives to be a certain way, and the thought of not being able to have children had never crossed my mind. As odd as it sounds, this news came at a good time. I was fighting for my life, and that's what I needed to focus on at that time.

A few years later, when it came time for us to start our family, we already knew that adoption would be the best choice for us. We chose domestic adoption and our agency. After becoming eligible, our profile was made public on the agency's national database. Potential birthmothers were then able to look through our profile and decide whether or not we were a good fit.

Our profile was posted in late April of 2009. We were contacted by Stella's birthmother in June and met her almost a week later. She had studied our profile, followed our family blog, and prayed for confirmation of her decision. She knew we were the right parents for Stella.

Everything happened so fast up to this point. I felt so many different emotions all at the same time. I was so happy, but so overwhelmed and very scared. As I quickly got to know this girl, the girl who would be giving us the most precious gift we could have ever imagined, my love for her grew, and I knew that the baby she was carrying was meant to be in our family.

From then until November, we were as involved as possible with the pregnancy. We listened to ultrasounds over the phone, recorded ourselves reading books so that Stella would recognize our voices, and had weekly calls with our birthmother. We could not have asked for a better experience.

In late November, I flew to Utah where my husband joined me a couple of days later. I was able to witness the birth of my daughter and hold her immediately after her birth. All of my fears and uneasiness disappeared at that moment. I knew that Stella belonged in our family. And though she didn't get to us the way I once thought she would, she was our daughter. Nothing else mattered.

We completed the adoption paperwork a day and a half later and took Stella home. She has been such a blessing in our lives, and we never could have imagined loving someone so much. We are so grateful for and blessed by the decision that Stella's birthmother made. We still keep in contact with her and visit her about every six months. I never would have thought that our path in life would have looked like this, but this path is better than anything I ever could have imagined.

National Adoption Month - Camille and Jeff

Note: As part of National Adoption Month, I will be sharing stories of families who have been touched by adoption.

This is the story of Camille and Jeff.

For us, the desire to adopt was never a difficult one. We didn’t mourn the loss of ‘what couldn’t be’ too long—but rather forged ahead to the goal of creating our family. Adoption was the next logical step.

Initially, we only wanted “a baby” and not an older child, and hoped to adopt two at once. Upon filling out our Ukraine paperwork, we listed that we agreed to look at children age three and under—but babies were desired.

As this was an independent adoption, we traveled without a referral, and would be looking at photos at the National Adoption Center once in country. We leaned on our prayers that with the many orphans available, God would show us clearly which children were meant to be ours. It is very important to share that we prayed to keep our hearts open to what God would show to us.

Wanting two, but finding one
Never expecting to be drawn to an older child, we met and fell in love with a three year old boy who was ill; crib bound his whole life, weighing 21 pounds, and was still unable to crawl, walk or talk. His illness aside, our connection was instant—he had an undeniable spark, we adored him, and knew instantly he would be coming home with us. The great sadness of that trip was, we did not find a second child that we felt the same connection with. Jeff said, “Perhaps Camille, God is just showing us this one because he needs all of our attention in order to get well, and one day, we’ll come back and adopt again.” I liken it to a pregnancy where you are told you are having twins, but only come home with one baby—you rejoice for the one, but mourn for the other.” We were amazed what a wonderful experience it was adopting a child who was not a baby; we were so busy being happy with our three year old that there was no time to feel a void from not having a baby around. Joshua filled our hearts with such joy! Within a year, he was 100% completely healthy, strong, smart, and oh so sweet. Could there have been a reason God only showed us one child?

To Russia for two…
In October 2006 we found our agency and began the official paperwork for our next adoption. Along with our then eight year old Joshua, it was our hope to adopt two children, younger than he, and this time hoped for a boy and a girl. Though at the start of building our family we hoped for a baby, as a family we had evolved. Now having an eight year old, it only seemed right for us to consider older children rather than babies. Joshua dreamed of somebody to play with, more his age. With our eight year old, we were very mobile, enjoying hiking, biking, swimming and the outdoors, and considering adopting older children, we could keep on course with our active lifestyle. We knew the adopting experience may be different with older kids, but we knew the love in our hearts was there. Through research, we knew that typically most children over the age of five are not even considered for adoption, which is a real tragedy.

We completed our paperwork by January of 2007, and in March we were shown referrals. We were shown several different pairs of sibling sets, but none seemed to match exactly what we were looking for. In October of 2007, our agency called to tell us there was a boy and girl, but, they had two younger sisters. Yes—a sibling group of four! It was explained to us that these four children—a girl age six, a boy age five, a girl age three, and a girl age two—had little chance of getting adopted together based on the fact that there were four of them. Did we want to look at their referral information?

To be honest, we agreed to look at the photos more out of curiosity than having any serious intention of adopting them. So the agency sent the information and photos. We looked. They were beautiful. We wondered…could we? Our agency explained that we could take all the time we needed to make our decision because nobody wanted these children.

For weeks we looked at the photos constantly. We prayed. We discussed all the aspects of such a decision: the health of the children, our finances, our ability to cope, and how this would affect our now nine year old son. We understood the biggest adjustment would be his.

During our time of decision, we called the agency to ask what would happen to them if we decided not to adopt them, and were told that in all likelihood, they would be split up and made available separately for adoption. They were already split into two different orphanages, and that statistically, the two older children may never be adopted as there is only a 20% chance of being adopted after the age of five years—even less of a chance for boys.

To Russia for four?
Our pastor counseled us to seek information, and pray on each of the aspects, and then, assured us a decision would be made clear. For three weeks, we discussed every aspect. Our church, Hillcrest Bible Church, was willing to help us with a loan, which was a huge blessing. We were able to grow our bank loan, and we already had friends and family helping us with fundraisers. Still, financially, it was a lot to take on. Our doctor found the medical reports on all four children to be very good. Camille being a home daycare provider for young children was key: even though we were parents of one child, Camille has had years of experience managing groups of children. It weighed heavily on our hearts that this sibling group of four might get split up, and that these older children might be overlooked, and never get a chance at having a family. The biggest reason to adopt them all was the success and joy of adopting our first—he was a miracle! With all we learned through Joshua’s adoption, and the many ways we were blessed by it, along with the many prayers said to grow our family; this sibling group of four were the children that God had shown to us. At the end of three weeks, we decided. We wanted to create another miracle! We did sit down and discuss the idea with Joshua—and he was in agreement, and delighted! I’m sure people wonder “what I talked my husband into” but he came to the decision before me, Jeff said, “It comes down to what legacy I’ll leave behind. We just can’t leave them there, we should adopt all four of them.” I agreed, they were coming home with us.

On December 1, 2007, the three of us went to Russia to meet the four children, and it was love at first sight for all of us. On April 24, 2008, we adopted them in court. On May 19th, we brought them home to Wisconsin for good!

From three to seven…
All five children have grown together and have bonded nicely. We are amazed at how quickly this happened. All five go to regular school and are doing beautifully. They are all joy-filled, happy kids, and content with the new family they inherited. Adopting older children has been a wonderful experience, for them and for us. Of course there were challenges—the biggest one being learning a new language. In that aspect, the first two months were challenging, however, anticipating this, we had a list of five Russian speaking friends willing to be “on call 24/7”—and we utilized them! We purchased Russian picture books and tapes which were a help too. But, it was incredible how very quickly they learned English—the three and four year olds found adapting to English quite easy, and the six and seven year olds took a bit longer, but after only two months, we didn’t need translators help any longer.

It was also a challenge to manage the finances, but we were amazed how the community stepped in to help in welcoming our new children; people brought meals, food, supplies, toys, and clothes. God saw to it that our needs were met.

The biggest challenge was finding time to nurture our husband and wife relationship. Life at our house was busy—but we knew it was important to have “date night” and spend time without the kids to “recharge.” At the start, friends were hesitant to stay with five children, four of whom didn’t speak English! Now that the kids rely solely on English this is no longer a problem. We are one big happy family of seven!

Joy and hopes…
The kids have been home for about a year and a half now. Big brother Joshua, eleven years old, Annika, eight years old, James, seven years old, Tatyana, five years old, and Raissa, four years old, continue to amaze us! It has been such a joy to see these five little people grow five secure loving hearts because of the love we lavish on them, and being the direct recipients of the love they give freely in return. They have all grown as individuals, and we have grown as a family. We never imagined it would all go so well so quickly! Our family, community, friends, and especially our church welcomed them home with open arms. Our children understand that they are deeply loved.

So many times Jeff and I have had people applaud our adoption as a deed well done. “Wow! What you’ve done is fabulous! The world needs more people like you.” The truth is, the world has lot and lots of people like us. The world has lot of people who would love to adopt orphans, and for many, the lack of funds stand in their way. It is a disheartening reality—knowing that there are orphans waiting for families, and families waiting for orphans—and it is only finances that stand in the way of bringing these two together. I understand that adoption isn’t for everyone, but everyone should be for adoption. I’d like to challenge individuals to help other couples offset their adoption fees in any way they can. I’d like to challenge every church to set up an adoption fund that would be exclusively for bringing orphans home to loving families in their church.

Adopting older children…
Often, people that step into the adoption arena, only want infants. At first, we did too, so I can understand. But please consider the “over age three, four or fives” that wait. It is simply amazing how quickly they learn English, and though the first two months were difficult in the language area, it is merely a snippet in the memory of the grand scheme of things now. Older children have a unique insight that babies cannot share with you. It is a treasure to discuss memories of “before and after” adoption that they have. We discuss openly about their adoption, and make sure they understand that who they were is a part of who they are. Within weeks, they were all settled in to life in their new family, and very happy. Just a few short months after their adoption, we took a family vacation. Without much funds, it was a simple trip to a cabin to fish, swim and hike, and they had a ball! Kids don’t need fancy—they just need a family—they just want you to spend time with them, and love them. It is a process, getting to know each other, and we are still doing that. The trust and the love grows more and more each day. We saw so many beautiful children in the orphanage. We often think about the ones we left behind, who are waiting, hoping, for a family to come and bring them home.

Yes, adopting a sibling group of four older children was daunting at first, but now, Jeff and I can’t imagine our lives without them. The wonderful people at our agency worked together with us to make it possible. Our family, church family, and community came together with us to make this dream a reality. God answered our prayers in a big way, and we are so thankful to be so blessed.

National Adoption Month - Our Story

Note: November is National Adoption Month. Throughout the month, I highlighting the stories of families touched by adoption. I am starting with our story. I am dividing it in to parts, this is the story of why we chose adoption and how we came to adopt from China.

I am often asked why we chose adoption. As with many questions, the answer is both easy and complicated.

After Frink and I got married, we decided to try for a family right away. I was 29 at the time and thought it would be perfect to have my children in my early thirties. It fit right in with the life I had always dreamed of. But life does not always go according to our plans.

We tried to have children for seven years, yes seven. That time was filled with charts, calculations and computers. There were doctors visits and tests with no definitive diagnosis. With fingers crossed and breath held, we thought that maybe this would be it. We thought that over and over again and we were always wrong.

Finally, we had had enough. We did not want to give up on our dream of a family so that left us with two choices, fertility treatments or adoption. I knew people who had successful pregancies with fertility treatments and those who had not. Given the emotionial roller coaster of the past seven years, I could not subject myself to something that might not work. Fertility treatments were out.

So we started to consider adoption. The more we looked into it, it felt right. There were so many children waiting for families (by some estimates 147,000,000 worldwide), just as we were waiting for a child. There were children in foster care waiting for permanent homes. There were children being born every day to parents who could not care for them and were looking for a loving home for their child. There were children in orphanages around the world. We could be parents to one of those children.

After deciding on adoption, we had to determine which path was right for us. There are arguments to be made in favor of and against both domestic (either private or foster to adopt) and international adoptions. The more we researched the subject, the more we talked to families, the clearer it became that international adoption was right for us at the time.

Next came a decision on which country. There are adoption programs in so many different countries in different areas of the world, Asia, Europe, Africa, Latin America. How do you choose?

Well if you are like me, or a crazy person, it may go something like this. I began to notice how many adoptive children there were in our area. I stopped total strangers in the grocery store. I asked anyone and everyone who had an acquaintance who had adopted about their story. I read books, watched documentaries and did tons of research. I looked at the pros and cons of each country, the stability of the program, the number of trips required etc. I had adoption on the brain.

All of these paths kept leading me back to China. China. I knew of the situation there. The One Child Policy and a cultural preference for boys meant that there were thousands of girls waiting in orphanages. I knew without a doubt that one of those girls was our daughter.

For me so much of the process was like this. No matter how many roads there are, no matter how many doors are open, we always ended up on the proper road going through the right door. Another family with similar circumstances may have chosen a different road or a different door. This was the right one for us, the one that led us to Bunny.

In late 2004, we took a leap of faith. We submitted our paperwork to adopt from China. The decision on how and when we would have a child was no longer in our hands (not that it ever really was). It was now in the hands of social workers here and governemental officals half way around the world in China.

The homestudy was done. We were fingerprinted. Our backgrounds were checked. Paperwork was notarized, authenticated and certified. Our dossier was completed. On July 23, 2005 it was logged into the Chinese system and our wait for a referral began.

Waiting for an adoption referral is a lonely time. You know a baby is coming but there is no outward manifistation, no tell tale bump. Your friends cannot commiserate, they don't really understand. So you turn to the adoption community. We joined a local Families With Children From China group. We went to events and saw girls who had been adopted. It made it so much more real. These girls had come home, our daughter would too.

The process in China is very organized. Everything moves based on your log in date. The files move with others that were logged in on the same date. You can judge your process by looking at those before you. Referrals come in batches from X date to Y date. In the beginning they were coming every two weeks but then slowed to once a month. What was thought to be a six to nine month wait stretched out past the year mark.

When I saw that families with May 2005 and June 2005 had recieved referrals, I knew that we were next. Then the announcement came, CCAA had matched families through July 22nd. We were one day short and would have to wait another month. Families on the internet support groups were announcing their matches. I had to turn away, I was happy for them but sad for myself. But just when I was prepared to wait yet another month, I got a call. I got THE CALL. We had recieved a referral for a beautiful seven month old girl. Thirteen months after our paperwork had been logged in and almost two years after we had started the process, we were going to be parents.

You can read about our journey to meet Bunny in China here, here and here.

Blink

This morning I woke up and I was sure we were going to get good news. I was sure that our agency was going to tell us we had been placed in the April travel group. I was sure we would see Lion soon.

The sun was shining. The air was warm with that early spring feel. This was going to be a good day, I just knew it.

I had toyed with the idea of going to the gym to work out. When I felt the warm air, I had other ideas. I knew this would be the perfect opportunity to go to the zoo. Perfect to spend time with my Bunny, to remember what it was like when it was just the two of us. When she was my only and I was hers alone.

As I got ready to go to the zoo for our adventure, I put on my watch, earrings and wedding ring just as I do every morning. I also grabbed a small stone from my night stand. It is round and smooth. It has the names of my children Bunny and Lion written on in. I placed the stone in my pocket as I do every morning. The stone is small enough that I don't notice it. But occasionally I will feel its weight, I will touch it when I place my hand in my pocket. The weight, the touch remind me that everything I do is for my children. It reminds me to move forward, to do what is best, to love, to laugh even when I don't want to.

Along with my stone, I took a small elastic band and placed it on my wrist. It has a silver bar with the word positivity engraved on it. This band was given to me by a friend. I am supposed to snap it when I feel a negative thought. It is supposed to break the cycle of negativity and help me focus on all the good in my life.

I have always tended to dwell on the negative. I am a glass half empty kind of girl. I don't want to be, I just am. There have been times when the negativity, the darkness threatened to swallow me. The darkness was my companion, my lover. It would whisper things in my ear, terrible things I did not want to hear. "You do not deserve to be happy. This is not for you. Just give up, you would fail anyways." I would listen and I would believe.

One day, I decided I had had enough. I began to fight the darkness, the negativity. I started to win. I saw beauty where I had only seen a void before. Things were brighter. I felt things more truly. And then my friend gave me this band. She did not know where I had been, she only knew that this would help.

I carry my rock and my band with me everywhere. They remind me of what is important. They remind me to focus on the good, on the now. The good and the now, a little girl in a riot of pinks and purples running and laughing. Just her and me, together. That is what is real.

Today, this morning, I felt all of the beauty in life. I saw only potential. I saw the positive. I will carry this morning in my heart forever.






The morning was beautiful but the afternoon had other ideas. It brought my old lover to the door with a bouquet of flowers and a smile begging for forgiveness. "Please take me back" he whispered. "I am the only one who understands you. You need me. You know you do."

The afternoon brought a phone call from our agency. I was expecting a call. I was expecting good news. I was wrong. I had thought we had passed court, that we could travel soon. I found out that the staff in Ethiopia had mistakenly informed our agency that we had passed. We had not. Our case had been postponed and postponed again. It was now scheduled for the 26th.

I felt a white hot anger rising within me. I heard the woman on the phone telling me things, things I could not comprehend. The words were just noise. My lover stood nearby, whispering in my ear "come my love, I am here for you". I was ready to give in. I was tired of fighting, tired of waiting. Good things don't happen to me. Yes, I said to the darkness. I am yours.

In that moment, when all seemed lost, I felt a blast of cold, wet air on my face. It startled me back to reality. I felt it again and again. My daughter, my true love, was sitting in my lap blowing raspberries three inches from my nose and laughing. The laughter rang out bright and true. This is what was important.

I heard the woman on the phone say we are working for you. If your case passes court, we will do everything we can to get you in to the April group. We will get you to your son as soon as possible. I thanked her for all that she was doing and I hung up.

I had received terrible. devastating news but I did not cry. I could not cry in front of Bunny. It would not solve anything. I stayed strong. I focused on her, on the here and the now. We put on our coats and ran back out into the sunshine. We laughed and played.

I did not cry.

I would not cry.

(But I did develop a rather nasty looking red welt on my wrist from snapping my positivity band)

Three Years Ago

Three years ago. It seems like it was only yesterday. I can remember the sights, the smells, the sounds of that moment. I can even remember what it felt like to touch you.

Three years ago. It seems like forever. I cannot remember what it was like before. It is as if things have always been this way.

Three years ago, everything changed.

Three years ago, I became the person I was meant to be. The person that nineteen years of education and thirty seven years of living had not prepared me for.

Three years ago, I became a mother.

Three years ago, we became a family.

Three years ago, we traveled half way around the world to meet you.

Three years ago, one journey ended and another one began.

Three years ago, there was you.



Three years ago, there was us.



Three years ago, there was forever.

A Love Letter

Dear Lion,

Do you mind if I call you Lion. I have read your story thus far and the name seems to fit you. You are brave. You are strong. You are a survivor.

When I saw your picture, I fell in love. I knew, in that instant, that we were destined to be together. I have spent the moments since, studying the lines of your face, staring in to your beautiful eyes. I have your face memorized. I can close my eyes and see you before me, laughing, smiling, calling my name. You are mine and I am yours.

But I see that I have gotten a little ahead of myself. You do not know me. We have not been properly introduced.

I am your mother.

And you are my son.

My son. My son. My son.

I repeat those words over and over like a mantra as if by speaking those words you can hear me calling you. Those words connect us through time and space. We are one you and I despite the miles between us. 7,500 miles, oceans, mountains, continents, languages separate us.

They separate us now but we will be together soon. You will know me, know my face as surely as I know yours. We will be a family forever.

I used to call you Turtle, but I was wrong. You were not slow, I was. I delayed and stalled, dragging my feet. I didn't know why. But now I do. I was waiting for you, my son.

And now I must wait a little while longer to hold you in my arms. This may be the hardest wait of all. But I know that it will be worth it because you and I will be together, forever.

My lion. My son.

Love,
Your Mother

Grieving and Letting Go

I've come to a realization. It is time for me to come to grips with something I've known in my heart for so long.

We are in the process of bringing another child into our family. It is a child that I want more than anything else in this world. A child I love with all of my heart even though I have never met him.

We began the adoption process last fall and we have not progressed very far. I have been dragging my feet on getting our paperwork done. And I wondered why I wasn't doing what I needed to get done. The faster I moved, the sooner our child would be here. I want this other child. I can see his face when I close my eyes. So why wasn't I moving heaven and earth to get him here? I could chalk it up to laziness and procrastination, I am no stranger to those demons. But that was not the answer.

Then one day it hit me. I wanted to have a biological child. I thought if I didn't get the adoption process rolling, then maybe just maybe I would get pregnant.

It is a dream that I have had for so long. I can't even rememeber the first time I thought about having children, playing mommy as girls often do with a pillow under my shirt. It was a given, I would get pregnant, I would have a baby. Every one does.

But not every one does.

I didn't.

Month after month, year after year, I didn't get pregnant.

So I moved on and made other plans. We built our family through adoption. But I thought about having a baby. People told me that I would get pregnant after we adopted. They told me stories about it happening. I knew people it had happened to. I grabbed at the hope that those stories offered and held on tight. It happens. It can happen to you.

But it didn't happen.

Month after month, year after year, it didn't happen.

And maybe it never would.

Never.

In my mind I knew it.

But my heart still held on to this dream. And in order to move forward, I had to release the dream that I had held in my heart for so long. I thought my heart would break into a million tiny pieces when I finally said those words. But I had to do it, I had to open my mouth and say out loud to the world:

I am never going to get pregnant. I am never going to carry a baby inside of me for nine months. I am never going to give birth to a child. I am never going to feel the joy and the pain that experience can bring.

As I said those words, I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. My heart hurt but it had not broken. I was still here. The earth was still spinning. The sun was still shining. My daughter, my beloved daughter, was still laughing and playing.

And now I can move on.

The child I see when I close my eyes does not look like me, nor does he look like my husband. He has cocoa brown skin and dark eyes. The son that I want, the son that I love is the one we are planning on adopting.

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Room For Improvement

Of the home, personal, family and bloggy variety.

On the blog front, I'm going to try actually blogging more than once a week. I know its a radical idea but it just might work. And thanks to a brilliant idea by Kate from The Big Piece of Cake I'm going to be making some changes over at Juniper and Coffee.

On the family front, we have started our homestudy process for our second adoption. There is so much paperwork to do and hoops to jump through but I am thrilled that we are making progress to bring our little baby home.

And where do I begin on personal improvement. I'm going to be 40 soon. I thought it would be a good idea to enter my 40s in good shape, a shape I'm proud to be in. Right now my shape is a bit too round, a bit too muffin topish for my liking. So I'm doing something about it. You know exercise more than twice a month, eat right etc.

I've set a goal to lose 30 pound by my birthday in September. Its kind of a huge goal but that was the weight I was 5 years ago and that is the weight I'd like to be again. If I reach my goal I am going to buy myself some ridiculously expensive rock star jeans. So far I've lost 1.5 pounds in a week and 1/2 so that's not too bad. We'll see if I can stick with it.

And finally home improvement. This is the biggie. Our house, as you know, is a CrapShack. But we've started making it better one room at a time, starting with the basement rec room. The sump pump has been installed. The dry wall is up.

And now . . . we've started painting!



The walls used to be a dark burgandy color which was perfect for the previous incarnation of the basement as Scottowatomi Bingo, Casino and Dancehall. But now with one child and another one on the way, we need to make it a bit more family friendly so we chose a warm taupe color. I think it will be much nicer and much lighter down there.



Now we just need to work on the floor. The floor has tile on it but it was ugly and stained so we put carpet down. Big mistake (what with the water and all). We are going to put new tiles down but we need to get up all of the wood and glue they used for the carpeting. I'm afraid this might take a while. But baby steps, right?

D*mn You Darius Rucker

Change is coming to But Why Mommy land. Terrifying, exciting change is coming.

We signed Bunny up for pre-school next fall. She's very excited about the prospect of school (in theory). She is interested in learning. Everyday she asks, "What will I learn in school? Will I learn about giraffes? Will I learn about dinosaurs?"

I am excited for her. It means that she is no longer a little girl, she is growing up. Fast. Pretty soon she won't need me and that is a scary prospect.

We've also begun working on Turtle's adoption again. We put it on hold last fall while we figured some things out. I'm excited about bringing a new baby into the family. Well I'm excited most days. Other days I'm terrified. Things are so perfect right now, our family is in a great groove. If we bring Turtle home, what will happen? Then I start to dwell on all of the bad possibilities, the ones the books warn you about.

I literally have to shake myself to get out of this mindset. I know our family is not complete. It won't be complete until we have Turtle home with us. There is something missing without him(or her).

So my mind has been a little crazy with the possibility of Bunny growing up and not needing me and wondering what will happen when we add to our family. What's next, the unknown, the terrifying and the exciting is all right there under the surface. One moment I'm likely to laugh, the next I'll cry, the next I'll panic.

So with all of this emotion floating around, I found myself in the car with Bunny listening to the radio. I was flipping the stations looking for a good song. I came across the new Darius Rucker song and stopped to listen. I've been a fan since the Hootie days, so I was interested. I didn't expect that tears would start streaming down my face and I would have to pull over to avoid getting into an accident. D*mn you Darius Rucker, how dare you make me cry.

Darius Rucker
 
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Misty Watercolored Memories

(Sorry to put that song in your head, well not really because its been in mine for a while now.)

When we become new parents we take photo after photo of our children. We document their every move. Each new stage is greeted with a production worthy of a Hollywood movie. We need to record it. We want to preserve these moments for eternity.

Why do we do this? Is it so we can show our children, when they are older, what perfect angels they were? Is it so we can embarrass our children, when they are older, by showing their friends and dates all the cute bath pictures? Is it so we can, when they are older, remember that they were small and cute and loved us unconditionally, not just when they want the car? Is it so that we can, when we are older, remember that we were once young and had no clue what to do?

Whatever the reason we cherish these photos (and videos). But the advent of the digital camera has created a problem. Sure you can take tons more pictures and you don't have to wait a week to see them. You can download them to your computer and share them with friends (and virutal friends) around the world with just a click of a button.

But what about when the unthinkable happens? What if your computer hard drive crashes before you've had a chance to back up your photos? They are gone, gone, gone. Sure you could spend a few thousand dollars to try and recover the photos but there is no guarantee that it will work.

This horrible problem happened to me. My computer crashed last spring. I waited and waited to get it fixed thinking that someone could help me recover the photos. I had a year and a half worth of photos of Bunny there. My heart broke.

Sure I'd printed out a few, but not enough. I was also lucky that my father has taken a bazillionty photos of her since she's been home. So we do have a record of most of the major events. But I don't have that many pictures of our trip to China. The trip where we became a family. That killed me.

I blogged our trip in real time and posted a few pictures of each day there. Another family had sent us a disc with pictures of her. So that was something. But was it enough? Will she be upset or angry with me if I don't have a photographic record of the trip? Will the video, the blog recollections and the few pictures be enough? I just don't know.

So here I am still waiting to get the hard drive replaced. I am leaning more and more towards replacing it. We need to have that computer back. I know that is the right thing to do. But still I wonder, should I make another attempt to recover the photos?

What would you do in my situation?

I Love You Happily Ever After

We entered the Office of Civil Affairs in Nanchang, Jiangxi, China on October 30, 2006. Two long years of waiting were over and we were going to finally be a family.

I had some idea what to expect when I walked through the door. I had spoken with a few families who had done this and I had seen a video of the process. What I thought was going to happen is that our group would be in a conference room. They would bring in the babies and call each family forward to be united with their child.

That is what I thought would happen. But in reality I can best describe it as crying and chaos, chaos and crying. Babies were crying. Parents were crying.

We walked into a large room and there were several groups of families waiting for their children. Nannies and babies sat on one side of the room. It seemed like no one was running the show.

I looked all over for Bunny. I had only seen a few pictures but I was sure I would recognize her. And I did. She was sitting on a nanny's lap staring out into a sea of unfamiliar faces. While some of the babies were crying, Bunny was not. She seemed nervous but calm.

I wanted to run to her, to grab her in my arms and never let go. But I couldn't. I had to wait my turn. Our guide located the orphanage director and they had to match the babies to the parents. Several other families in our group got their babies but we were still waiting.

Finally they called our name. Bubs manned the video camera and we handed our new camera to someone we didn't know. I walked up to the director and finally was able to hold Bunny in my arms. I just stared at her. She was so tiny and perfect.

She was wearing a bright yellow shirt and yellow pants with electric blue split pants. Most of the other babies from the orphanage were wearing the same thing. She was holding a stuffed bear that we had sent to her in a care package. It was the only familiar thing she had at that moment.

She was 9 1/2 months old. She had spent about six months living with a foster family. She went back to the orphanage when she was matched with us. She was leaving the only familiar home she had to go with these strangers. They didn't look like anyone she had seen before. They didn't sound like anything she was used to. She could not have understood what was happening to her but she really didn't cry.

Being first time parents we had no idea what to do. We had brought bottles from the US and we were given formula and rice cereal when we arrived in China. But of course we didn't bring any of this with us. We only brought a bowl of Cheerios. It wasn't enough. She had left the orphanage early in the morning and traveled for 3 hours on a bus. She was tired and hungry and her new parents didn't have any food for her. Poor girl.

But we were finally together. We were finally a family. We would figure this all out together. We would figure out what it meant to be her parents. She would figure out what it meant to be our daughter. What it meant to be our forever family.

This Is It ... Well Almost

Today's the day we finally meet Bunny. Two years of waiting and anticipating is finally going to pay off.

But first things first, there is business to take care of. Our camera, which we brought to record the moment we first meet Bunny, is broken. It doesn't work. It is D-E-A-D! How can we do this without a camera?

The camera broke the night before. We thought we would walk to Wal-Mart to buy a new one. That is what we would do at home. You have a problem, you seek a solution to the problem. You have a broken camera, you buy a new one.

So we walked the 5 blocks from our hotel to Wal-Mart. Navigating a strange city. Trying to survive the walk, trying to survive the traffic. There are no traffic laws, it appears to be every vehicle, bicycle, motorcycle or cart for themselves. The only rule for pedestrians is don't get in the way. So we stepped off the curb, started to run and prayed that we would make it to the otherside. We did.

We made it to Wal-Mart without any accidents and managed to find the electronics department. It looked fairly similar to one we'd see at home. I recognized the camera brands. I saw one that I wanted. I managed to communicate with the sales clerk enough to let him know we wanted to buy it. Bubs handed over the credit card and . . . it didn't work.

What! I can't buy the camera. I can't record the memory of meeting my daughter for the first time. I tried hard not to lose it. I mean what's the point.

By that time, a crowd had gathered around us. We were quite the attraction. They do not get many foreigners in this city. But alas, none of them spoke English so we could not find out what had happened and we had to leave the store without a camera.

But this story does have a happy ending. Our guide, Grace, took Bubs to an eletronics store where he was able to successfully purchase a camera. An employee of the store came to our hotel to make sure the camera worked with our computer (that would never happen here). And two short hours before meeting Bunny we were the proud owners of a functional camera.

Stay tuned tonight where I promise I will finally tell the story of how we met Bunny for the first time (I tried to tell her the story today but she didn't really seem to care. She wanted to watch Ni Hao Kai Lan instead. "Stop talking momma. Kai Lan momma." Well alright then.)

Almost There

The days blurred together. We were racing the sun. It was dark but it was never night. Today became tomorrow. Almost time but not quite.

You spend your whole life trying to find north on your compass. Looking for your true north, the path which you are supposed to travel. And here I was finally setting out on that path on a plane traveling from today to tomorrow to my future. Staring out into the vast nothingness of the North Pole waiting to turn south, waiting to head to my true home. The home I would find once I held my daughter in my arms.

The plane landed. Planes always do. In a city full of buildings and lights and people, so many people. It was in Hong Kong but it could have been New York, or London or Rome. I was not home yet, I might as well have been half a world away.

Night became day again. Another plane ride, one step closer to home. The plane landed. Planes always do. A smaller city full of buildings and people, so many people. And in one day it would hold yet another person. The most important person of all. In one day the city would hold my daughter. In one day, I would hold my daughter.

Day One

It was two years ago today but I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Bubs and I checked and double checked everything. We set the timers for the lights. We made sure the cats had enough food and clean litter until my mom could stop by and give them more. The house was okay.

The suitcases were loaded in the car and we were off to the airport. I was so anxious I could hardly control myself. I reached out to grab Bubs' hand to make sure that this was real, that it was not a dream.

We arrived at the airport, the sun was shining. I was sure there would be no delay. We would be on our way in no time.

But when we arrived at the gate, we were told our flight to Chicago was overbooked. They offered to send people to Chicago via a bus arriving at 10:10. Our connecting flight was at 10:48 so we chose not to take the bus. We did not chose wisely.

We boarded the plane and it pulled back from the gate. This was it, we were on our way. And then they told us there was a delay in Chicago so we would have to wait on the tarmac. So we waited, for an hour. There was still a delay in Chicago so they allowed us to go back to the gate and wait for the ok to fly. So we waited at the gate, for another hour.

We had already missed our connecting flight. I was in a panic. We were supposed to be on our way, not sitting in the Milwaukee airport.

We were finally allowed to takeoff and after 45 minutes arrived in Chicago at 12:15. We didn't know what to do. I tried calling to find out what plane we were re-booked on. But I could not get through.

So we, along with countless others who were delayed, got in line and waited to talk to a customer service agent. After waiting for another hour we found out that we had indeed been booked on another flight, the 12:18 flight. Which left 3 minutes after our flight had landed. That didn't quite work. So they rebooked us on another flight for the next day.

I had been waiting for this day for two years. I knew that one more day would not kill me. We would arrive in China. We would meet our daughter. Soon.

An Essay on My Life

Right now I am working my way through the paperchase phase of our adoption.

As part of this process, I've been asked to answer a Parent Questionnaire. It seems like this questionnaire is designed to give some one who doesn't know you a complete description of you. Who you were, who you are now and who you hope to be.

Its an interesting exercise, trying to sum up all of your experiences. To find out what makes you tick. You look at your past remebering the events both good and bad that shaped your outlook on life. You wonder what would you have done differently, if anything. I might have forgone some forgetable wardrobe choices and hairstyles but that is it. Everything that has happened, no matter how difficult or painful, is etched on my soul. These events have made me who I am today.

Then they ask you about what you want for your child. What experiences you had growing up do you want your children to have. What do you not want them to have. You of course want to share all the really cool things that you did, saw and experienced with your kids. And you want to sheild them from all the bad stuff.

How would you want your children to be like you or not like you? These children do not share your DNA. They do not share that fundamental part of you. They are not going to have your eyes or your height. All the ways that they will be like you will be learned from you, from how you act and what you say. Wow. So this makes you think about what kind of values do you want to impart on your children. What passions and joys do you want to share with them.

These are the questions that parents think about for their child's whole life. These are the questions that keep you up at night. They are the essence of what makes you a parent. There are no easy answers. How am I supposed to come up with an answer and write it down on a piece of paper?

Part 2 of the Quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby #2

Read part one here.

The Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby # 2 shall henceforth be known as Turtle (because NEHB#2 sounds silly).

So in May Bubs and I decided on our course of action for Turtle. We decided to try fertility treatments and to file our paperwork with China. We felt this would cover our bases quite nicely. If the fertility treatments worked we would have a biological child with in the next year or so and the would adopt our third child from China in three years. If the fertility treatments didn't work, we could switch our dossier to special needs and adopt sooner.

It was the perfect plan. But as I have found out perfect plan and Renee do not belong in the same sentence. Heck we're not even on the same planet. The universe mocks me and my planning.

I made an appointment with my doctor. Given what we had found out previously, I suspected that there would be no major issues and we could start the dance. I had been having normal periods and the ovulation sticks had dectected ovulation. No problem right?

Not so fast my friend, the universe taunted. After reviewing my FSH (folicle stimulating hormone) levels the doctor said they were very high. So she ordered a new test and it was even higher. High FSH levels generally mean you are no longer producing eggs. So this is not good news.

The next step was an ultrasound to check the status of my ovaries and eggs. So I went and had the goop slathered on. It was weird to see an ultrasound picture with no baby inside. Just an empty uterus. It was kind of sad. As the technician was reviewing the results she asked me what day of my cycle I was on. I answered day 18. Her response "Oh, okay. Hmmmm." That did not sound like good news.

And of course it wasn't. My doctor said she could not see any folicles in my ovaries. Which meant there were no eggs this time. My uterus was also thin, meaning there was no estrogen stimulating my cycle.

I asked what it meant bottom-line. She said either you are entering menopause or this is just a fluke. Regular cycles in all the previous months could mean a fluke. Or it just could be that we've caught the exact beginning of the end. She said we have to wait until the end of July to know for sure. Either I get my period and we do more tests. Or I don't and that is that.

So this means that it is extremely unlikely that Turtle will be coming out of me. And I'm not really that sad about it. Its hard to mourn for something you never really had. I've actively tried to have a baby and not tried not to have one for the past 10 years. So I just assumed there was an infertility problem. And now its pretty much confirmed.

The whole premature menopause thing? That really bothers me. I'm not sure I'm ready for "symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, vaginal dryness, low sex drive, or trouble sleeping." (Thanks WebMd, I really wanted to know about that.) I'm only 38 and that really sucks.

So now I'll be watching and waiting all throughout July. But because we've already adopted, I still know that Turtle is out there somewhere (or will be soon). So I can still be his mother. (Did I just type him? I don't know why but I think Turtle is a boy). We are in the process of re-evaluating our options, yet again.

Zoo Day, Hooray

Today Bunny and I are going to the zoo. We will meet up with her aunt and 2 cousins. Bunny loves going to the zoo and hanging out with her cousins so it will be a big day for her.

We have a zoo pass which means we can go to the zoo for free. Since the beginning of the year, we've gone at least 25 times. Its our default activity. And its also pretty cool.

My favorite thing to see at the zoo is the baby orangutan, Mahal. Its amazing how much he looks like and acts like a real baby (just ask baby on bored or see above.) There are always huge crowds around his enclosure. Some there just to see him.

When I found out his story, I realized how important he really is (you can read it here, here and here.) He was rejected by his birth parents, one surrogate mom died and he was rejected by another. He came to our zoo to be with a new surrogate. His story mirrors what a lot of human kids have had to go through. And he's also become sort of an ambassador for the endangered orangutans.

So I hope you read his story and learn a little more about him and his species. (Gets off soapbox) But if you just want to look at a really cute baby, you can just watch his webcam.

The Quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby Number Two

This is not one of those laugh at my crazy ass life posts. This is the real deal, my life raw and uncensored. Maybe its because its been a crazy tornadic day, maybe its bad pizza talking, I don't know. But I can't sleep because I need to get this out to the world.

Now you know that Bubs and I have been married for 10 years. For the first six and 1/2 years we actively tried to have a baby naturally. Now I know that its really hard to get knocked up, you have like to hit this 18 hour window exactly or it doesn't happen. But after trying for six plus years, we really couldn't chalk it up to "bad timing". My period became my enemy. I would break out sobbing everytime I saw that tell tale red streak. I had failed yet again. Something had to be wrong with me.

Everyone offered advice. And let me tell you, when you are in the Shit, you don't want people giving you advice. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I wanted to strangle someone when they said "Just relax and it will happen." Not at all helpful.

And then it seemed like all my friends were getting pregnant. There was something in the water. And they had only been trying for like 10 minutes, not 6 years. I really wanted to be happy for them, and I guess I was. But I was also crying inside because I was a complete failure. Not good.

So we had to do something about it or I would have been more of an emotional wreck than I usually am. I had some tests done and Bubs had some tests done. Everything was normal, or at least did not prevent us from conceiving. But we hadn't, so something was up.

Next on the list of things to do was a referral to a fertility specialist. I don't know why but this really freaked me out. I didn't want to know that there was something wrong with me that prevented me from having that much wanted child. I was a mother and nothing anyone could say would tell me otherwise. Plus I knew if I tried in vitro and it didn't work, I would be wrecked, a quivering mass of jelly on the floor. I didn't think I could recover from that. So needless to say we didn't pursue that option.

So we plunged headfirst into the world of adoption. After considering all of our options, we chose to adopt from China. When we began the process, we had no idea what was going to happen. At the time the wait was 6 to 9 months for a child. Great, we thought we'd have a baby by Christmas. But that is not how it happens for me, it is never that easy.

The paperwork took longer than we thought and the wait time increased. This constant state of not knowing what was going on really got to me. I knew I was going to have a baby and I talked about it a lot. However, no one else could tell. There were no outward signs, no tell tale bump. I got a lot of strange looks when I discussed having a baby while drinking a cocktail. "Hmm maybe we better call Social Services on this one" type looks. But the baby really was coming, eventually, just not out of me.

Finally 18 months after starting the process, I got the phone call that forever changed my life. I was the mother of a beautiful little girl halfway around the world. I had to wait another two months to meet her, but it was well worth the wait. And ever since I met her, my life has been a crazy, unpredictable mess and I wouldn't change a thing.

So lately I've been feeling like its time for baby number two. Except as we now know its not just as easy as getting knocked up. There is a lot of shit involved. Its not up to me when we have our next child, its up to a lot of other people half way around the world. They've never met me. They don't know that now would be a great time for Bunny to have a sibling. They don't really care. And that is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

In fact, wait times in China have increased to 30 months from the time your paperwork is logged in the Chinese system (we waited 13). That's almost 2 1/2 years. And there are rumors that the wait will go up to 5 years. 5 years! That is not acceptable to me. I'll be 44 and Bunny will be 7, no way Jose.

So now that we are ready to begin our quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby Number Two, it seems that we are back at the drawing board.

On Mother's Day, A Love Poem to My Daughter

Mommy, Momma, Mom. Those words fill my heart with joy because I am your mother.

I was your mother during those long and often lonely days when we were trying to conceive. During every negative pregnancy test, I was your mother.

I was your mother when we began the adoption process. During the long waiting period, I was your mother.

I was your mother when you were born a half a world away. During the first nine months of your life, even though I was not there, I was your mother.

I was your mother when I finally saw your face staring back at me in your referral picture. During the long flight to meet you, I was your mother.

I was your mother when they placed you in my arms for the first time. During those weeks in strange hotel rooms when we went from strangers to family, I was your mother.

I was your mother when we brought you home for the first time. During all those months since, I have been your mother.

When you smile, my heart smiles. When you cry, my heart cries. When you laugh, my heart laughs. When you love, my heart loves.

I am your mother. I have always been your mother. I will always be your mother.

A night with . . . Adults?

Every year my mom and I get tickets to a women's lecture series. We use this as a reason to go out to dinner at a nice restaraunt and catch up.

Yesterday was a fairly challenging day for me and Bunny, highlighted by two separate 45 minute periods where she refused to get dressed (once in the morning and once after using the potty). So I was ready for our night out.

We went to this nice restaraunt in Milwaukee's Third Ward. The Third Ward used to be just old warehouses but the have re-done it so now it is filled with shops, bars and restaraunts. I found a few new shops that I wanted to visit on my next day off. The meal was wonderful, punctuated by a creme brule trio. That's right three different kinds of creme brule - vanilla, chocolate and pistacio. I was in heaven.

Last night's lecture was by Lisa Ling. She talked about her experiences as an international journalist and the different stories that she has covered. She showed a few clips too.

It was during the clips that she showed a clip of her story "The Lost Daughters of China." The clip was of all the families going to the Civil Affairs building to meet their daughters for the first time - Gotcha Day. It perfectly caught the chaos and emotion of the day. And it sent me right over the edge. I started bawling openly in the middle of the theater as I remembered the day that we first met Bunny in China. My mom was crying too but she tried to comfort me. I think the lady sitting next to me thought I was crazy but I really didn't care.

I couldn't wait to run home and give Bunny a huge hug, but she would (or should) be asleep when I got home at 9:30. But she wasn't and I was never so happy. I went into her room and got to hug her and read her another story. It was almost as if she was waiting for me. She drifted off to sleep soon after.

It was the perfect night.