Monday, July 27, 2009

Comfort

As I rode the train to the BlogHer conference, I was scared. I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I was going to something that was so beyond my comfort zone and I was going alone.

I knew no one.

Well I "knew" some people, but I had never met them. My two worlds, the world inside my computer and the world outside of it were going to connect. And I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Would they like me? Would I like them? Would I be able to unfreeze my tongue and actually speak to them? Would I hide in the back of the room? Or would I hide out in my room, only venturing out for panels and food?

And then it hit me, I didn't have a room for Thursday night. I had no place to hide. I would be forced to mix and mingle. Because, in a totally uncharacteristic move, I asked someone I didn't know (in real life) if I could crash in their room. I couldn't very well be anti-social since they were being so nice to me. So I opened my mouth and words actually came out.

The more I spoke and the more I was spoken too, the more I relaxed. Maybe I could do this, maybe I would actually have fun. So I went with it, speaking to everyone I met and having fun along the way.

When I finally did retreat to my room for the night to rest my aching head and tired feet, I found no comfort. There was only the choice between chairs and the floor. I tried scrunching my 5'10" frame into the arm chair and resting my feet on the desk chair. The floor was an option, but not an appealing one. I moved from chair to floor and back again, trying to find a place to rest. I looked enviously at the beds. Their occupants were deep in sleep, oblivious to the world around them. I wanted that, I needed that.

At 2 am, I was sitting on the floor, alone again. I realized that I had not quite overcome my discomfort. I could have asked someone else, someone with only one roommate, if I could have shared their room for the night instead of being the awkward fifth in a room of four. The women I met were kind and would not have turned me away. But I could not ask. I did not ask.

I woke up in the morning, feeling much older than my almost 40 years. My body hurt. My head ached. My nerves were raw. I was not looking forward to the day. I was looking forward to 3pm when I could check into my room and have a bed to myself. Bleary eyed and tired, I imagined that I would, in fact, retreat to my room.

But again, greetings were extended to me, arms waved me over, seats were saved for me. I was welcomed wholeheartedly into the community. Laughing and hugging and sharing stories soothed my aches and pains and rubbed away the jagged edges of my nerves. When it was time to check into my room and finally had my own bed, the wonderfully soft and comfy bed with its own gravitational pull, I did not want to stay there. I wanted to be out amongst the friends that I had made. I wanted to meet more people.

The last night of the conference, late at night, I sat on a bed. I was not alone. I was surrounded by people, real live people, my friends. We talked and laughed. We took pictures in an attempt to capture the moment. We talked some more. We laughed at things that are flappy. We created lasting memories.

I had finally found my comfort.

16 comments:

Maura said...

I'm so glad that I got to be one of the friends you spent that last night with, creating those memories.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I also blogged today about stepping INTO my comfort zone at BlogHer last weekend.

AND, I am terribly disappointed to have missed the flappy conversation, but I was drunk and tweeting from my own soft, downy bed!

ConverseMomma said...

I wish I had known. We had three in two doubles. We would have offered you a bed. Glad you had such a great last night.

Kirsten said...

My sister and I are seriously KICKING OURSELVES for not asking you to crash in our room. IDIOTS!!!

Anyway, meeting you and hanging out was awesome. I can't wait for New York!

anymommy said...

It was such a warm, welcoming, incredible group of women on those beds that last night (and throughout the weekend). This post sums it up for me, the comfort of friends.

I loved meeting you and I hope I'll get to spend time with you again soon, or a year from now. Where you'll definitely have a real bed!!

Christy said...

I'm so glad I got to meet you and spend time with you during the conference Renee! You are just awesome. And this post is awesome. I already can't wait for next year!

Z said...

Love the post! Hope I get to experience a BlogHer like this :)

Any chance you'll be coming next year? It's right here in my city - so it's probably my best chance for ever going ;) And I'd love to meet you!

Marinka said...

I wouldn't have missed that last night for anything. I'm so glad that we got to spend time together. (Oh, and there was another Starbucks one block from the hotel. I knew it).

Amazing Greis said...

I'm so glad to have met you and so glad that you had such a great time out of your comfort zone. I'm sorry I missed that last night, flappy sounds fun! LOL

You are an amazing woman and I'm so glad to be able to call you a friend. If we don't all get together sooner, we will definitely have NYC to look forward to.

XOXO

Karen said...

Sounds like you had a good time. Glad you got to go.

EatPlayLove said...

Im so glad you had a great time (Well except for the being tall and sleeping in a chair)... I think you hung out with the right crowd!

mommygeekology said...

And still, I say -- woman! You could have asked to switch! That aside, glad you finally felt more at ease. I had a blast hanging out with you. *muah*

Issas Crazy World said...

Hey did I mention the contract I made you sign when drunk at some point? No? Ha, good. ;)

Here's the funny thing. I can not imagine my weekend without you in it. At all. There is no way. And holy shit woman, I didn't know you until the second we um...met. I think we all found our "tribe" for lack of a better word this weekend.

Adore you and sooooo miss you. And all those other crazies too. Flappy. Snort.

Issas Crazy World said...

For being a New Yorker, Marinka sure does complain about the walking a lot, doesn't she?

Kari said...

"We laughed at things that are flappy." I love you

Heidi said...

I'm glad you had a good time!! I was just over at Christy's blog catching up on BlogHer news. Great photos of you all!