Sunday, July 13, 2008

Part 2 of the Quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby #2

Read part one here.

The Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby # 2 shall henceforth be known as Turtle (because NEHB#2 sounds silly).

So in May Bubs and I decided on our course of action for Turtle. We decided to try fertility treatments and to file our paperwork with China. We felt this would cover our bases quite nicely. If the fertility treatments worked we would have a biological child with in the next year or so and the would adopt our third child from China in three years. If the fertility treatments didn't work, we could switch our dossier to special needs and adopt sooner.

It was the perfect plan. But as I have found out perfect plan and Renee do not belong in the same sentence. Heck we're not even on the same planet. The universe mocks me and my planning.

I made an appointment with my doctor. Given what we had found out previously, I suspected that there would be no major issues and we could start the dance. I had been having normal periods and the ovulation sticks had dectected ovulation. No problem right?

Not so fast my friend, the universe taunted. After reviewing my FSH (folicle stimulating hormone) levels the doctor said they were very high. So she ordered a new test and it was even higher. High FSH levels generally mean you are no longer producing eggs. So this is not good news.

The next step was an ultrasound to check the status of my ovaries and eggs. So I went and had the goop slathered on. It was weird to see an ultrasound picture with no baby inside. Just an empty uterus. It was kind of sad. As the technician was reviewing the results she asked me what day of my cycle I was on. I answered day 18. Her response "Oh, okay. Hmmmm." That did not sound like good news.

And of course it wasn't. My doctor said she could not see any folicles in my ovaries. Which meant there were no eggs this time. My uterus was also thin, meaning there was no estrogen stimulating my cycle.

I asked what it meant bottom-line. She said either you are entering menopause or this is just a fluke. Regular cycles in all the previous months could mean a fluke. Or it just could be that we've caught the exact beginning of the end. She said we have to wait until the end of July to know for sure. Either I get my period and we do more tests. Or I don't and that is that.

So this means that it is extremely unlikely that Turtle will be coming out of me. And I'm not really that sad about it. Its hard to mourn for something you never really had. I've actively tried to have a baby and not tried not to have one for the past 10 years. So I just assumed there was an infertility problem. And now its pretty much confirmed.

The whole premature menopause thing? That really bothers me. I'm not sure I'm ready for "symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, vaginal dryness, low sex drive, or trouble sleeping." (Thanks WebMd, I really wanted to know about that.) I'm only 38 and that really sucks.

So now I'll be watching and waiting all throughout July. But because we've already adopted, I still know that Turtle is out there somewhere (or will be soon). So I can still be his mother. (Did I just type him? I don't know why but I think Turtle is a boy). We are in the process of re-evaluating our options, yet again.

8 comments:

anymommy said...

You write about this so simply. I know it can't have been that way in your head when you got this news, even knowing what a beautiful road adoption is this is hard. I'm really sorry. And, I owe you a fun email! I'm working on it.

Karen said...

Ugh... That is not good news. Sorry to hear it. But glad to hear you're dealing with it OK.

As for Turtle, have you thought about a Korean adoption? When we adopted the Midge, the wait time was 4 months for little boys.

MamaCarter said...

Turtle is out there. We love you.

Kate said...

Oh - I'm sorry. Not about how you'll get your Turtle - but about the whole menopause thing. It's just another sign (for those of us in our late 30's) that regardless of whether the Desperate Housewives can still look good in hot pants, when it comes to reproductive biology, 40 is not the new 30 (it's just plain old 40). I myself have a hard time with change (I even wrote a post on this), so I'm probably not going to be ready to embrace "the change" when it decides to embrace me. I think I'm nearing the age that my mother went through menopause, so I may have to deal with that soon. But who knows - maybe neither of us are going there just yet. And even if we do - we're probably too busy with the little ones to have time to worry about it too much! Look forward to reading more about your second adoption.

Jyll said...

I am so sorry to hear your bad news! I wish I could give you some fertitilty dust but I am all out too! But I can give you something that might cheer you up! Come on over to my blog and look what I have for you...

Kristin said...

This post made my heart hurt. I hate how long and drawn out this process is to adopt. If the parents are willing, the babies are there, what is the problem! I'm new to your blog but I will definately be back and keep my fingers crossed for you guys and whatever you decide ! :)

EatPlayLove said...

I hope things work out for you, no matter which way the turtle arrives!

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Hard stuff (I read both your links).

My brother and his wife tried for 7 years, gave up all hope and - wham - twins. So I'm no doctor but I don't think you ever KNOW, right?

I used to assume my wife was out in the world and wondered about her and when we'd meet. It's interesting how you do that with Turtle.

Bunny and Turtle. I like that. Because of my kids' signs, I call them Lion and The Fish.