Risk

Lately Bunny has been taking more risk. She is pushing her boundaries. She is branching out, trying new things and seeing how far she can go. It is a good thing. She is learning and growing up. But she knows that I will always be there to catch her.

Watching her take these risks makes me realize that I haven't taken much risk in my life. I've always been the good girl, done what is expected of me. I've rarely stood at the crossroads and taken that twisting turning dirt road. I usually travel on the paved roads.

I went to law school because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I wanted to do it. But I also harbored a dream of moving to New York. I didn't take that risk. And looking back I am glad that I didn't because I met my husband in law school and we adopted Bunny. That time the paved road led to treasure.

But I want to be an artist. To write, paint, draw and make jewelry. To date I am simply a dabbler. I enjoy doing it but I don't take risks so it never rises to the level of art. Its good but not great.

And why don't I take those risks? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of fear. So I live my life in a state of half-assedness. If I'm not trying then I'm not failing. Maybe I'm numb and have to walk into a few walls to wake myself up.

So now I'm opening myself up to the world. Here I am naked before you. This is me, this is who I am today. I am trying to take those risks to make myself into the person I want to be. Maybe its good, maybe its not but it is something and that is what is important.