Part 2 of the Quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby #2

Read part one here.

The Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby # 2 shall henceforth be known as Turtle (because NEHB#2 sounds silly).

So in May Bubs and I decided on our course of action for Turtle. We decided to try fertility treatments and to file our paperwork with China. We felt this would cover our bases quite nicely. If the fertility treatments worked we would have a biological child with in the next year or so and the would adopt our third child from China in three years. If the fertility treatments didn't work, we could switch our dossier to special needs and adopt sooner.

It was the perfect plan. But as I have found out perfect plan and Renee do not belong in the same sentence. Heck we're not even on the same planet. The universe mocks me and my planning.

I made an appointment with my doctor. Given what we had found out previously, I suspected that there would be no major issues and we could start the dance. I had been having normal periods and the ovulation sticks had dectected ovulation. No problem right?

Not so fast my friend, the universe taunted. After reviewing my FSH (folicle stimulating hormone) levels the doctor said they were very high. So she ordered a new test and it was even higher. High FSH levels generally mean you are no longer producing eggs. So this is not good news.

The next step was an ultrasound to check the status of my ovaries and eggs. So I went and had the goop slathered on. It was weird to see an ultrasound picture with no baby inside. Just an empty uterus. It was kind of sad. As the technician was reviewing the results she asked me what day of my cycle I was on. I answered day 18. Her response "Oh, okay. Hmmmm." That did not sound like good news.

And of course it wasn't. My doctor said she could not see any folicles in my ovaries. Which meant there were no eggs this time. My uterus was also thin, meaning there was no estrogen stimulating my cycle.

I asked what it meant bottom-line. She said either you are entering menopause or this is just a fluke. Regular cycles in all the previous months could mean a fluke. Or it just could be that we've caught the exact beginning of the end. She said we have to wait until the end of July to know for sure. Either I get my period and we do more tests. Or I don't and that is that.

So this means that it is extremely unlikely that Turtle will be coming out of me. And I'm not really that sad about it. Its hard to mourn for something you never really had. I've actively tried to have a baby and not tried not to have one for the past 10 years. So I just assumed there was an infertility problem. And now its pretty much confirmed.

The whole premature menopause thing? That really bothers me. I'm not sure I'm ready for "symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, vaginal dryness, low sex drive, or trouble sleeping." (Thanks WebMd, I really wanted to know about that.) I'm only 38 and that really sucks.

So now I'll be watching and waiting all throughout July. But because we've already adopted, I still know that Turtle is out there somewhere (or will be soon). So I can still be his mother. (Did I just type him? I don't know why but I think Turtle is a boy). We are in the process of re-evaluating our options, yet again.

The Quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby Number Two

This is not one of those laugh at my crazy ass life posts. This is the real deal, my life raw and uncensored. Maybe its because its been a crazy tornadic day, maybe its bad pizza talking, I don't know. But I can't sleep because I need to get this out to the world.

Now you know that Bubs and I have been married for 10 years. For the first six and 1/2 years we actively tried to have a baby naturally. Now I know that its really hard to get knocked up, you have like to hit this 18 hour window exactly or it doesn't happen. But after trying for six plus years, we really couldn't chalk it up to "bad timing". My period became my enemy. I would break out sobbing everytime I saw that tell tale red streak. I had failed yet again. Something had to be wrong with me.

Everyone offered advice. And let me tell you, when you are in the Shit, you don't want people giving you advice. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I wanted to strangle someone when they said "Just relax and it will happen." Not at all helpful.

And then it seemed like all my friends were getting pregnant. There was something in the water. And they had only been trying for like 10 minutes, not 6 years. I really wanted to be happy for them, and I guess I was. But I was also crying inside because I was a complete failure. Not good.

So we had to do something about it or I would have been more of an emotional wreck than I usually am. I had some tests done and Bubs had some tests done. Everything was normal, or at least did not prevent us from conceiving. But we hadn't, so something was up.

Next on the list of things to do was a referral to a fertility specialist. I don't know why but this really freaked me out. I didn't want to know that there was something wrong with me that prevented me from having that much wanted child. I was a mother and nothing anyone could say would tell me otherwise. Plus I knew if I tried in vitro and it didn't work, I would be wrecked, a quivering mass of jelly on the floor. I didn't think I could recover from that. So needless to say we didn't pursue that option.

So we plunged headfirst into the world of adoption. After considering all of our options, we chose to adopt from China. When we began the process, we had no idea what was going to happen. At the time the wait was 6 to 9 months for a child. Great, we thought we'd have a baby by Christmas. But that is not how it happens for me, it is never that easy.

The paperwork took longer than we thought and the wait time increased. This constant state of not knowing what was going on really got to me. I knew I was going to have a baby and I talked about it a lot. However, no one else could tell. There were no outward signs, no tell tale bump. I got a lot of strange looks when I discussed having a baby while drinking a cocktail. "Hmm maybe we better call Social Services on this one" type looks. But the baby really was coming, eventually, just not out of me.

Finally 18 months after starting the process, I got the phone call that forever changed my life. I was the mother of a beautiful little girl halfway around the world. I had to wait another two months to meet her, but it was well worth the wait. And ever since I met her, my life has been a crazy, unpredictable mess and I wouldn't change a thing.

So lately I've been feeling like its time for baby number two. Except as we now know its not just as easy as getting knocked up. There is a lot of shit involved. Its not up to me when we have our next child, its up to a lot of other people half way around the world. They've never met me. They don't know that now would be a great time for Bunny to have a sibling. They don't really care. And that is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

In fact, wait times in China have increased to 30 months from the time your paperwork is logged in the Chinese system (we waited 13). That's almost 2 1/2 years. And there are rumors that the wait will go up to 5 years. 5 years! That is not acceptable to me. I'll be 44 and Bunny will be 7, no way Jose.

So now that we are ready to begin our quest for Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby Number Two, it seems that we are back at the drawing board.