Three Years Ago

Three years ago. It seems like it was only yesterday. I can remember the sights, the smells, the sounds of that moment. I can even remember what it felt like to touch you.

Three years ago. It seems like forever. I cannot remember what it was like before. It is as if things have always been this way.

Three years ago, everything changed.

Three years ago, I became the person I was meant to be. The person that nineteen years of education and thirty seven years of living had not prepared me for.

Three years ago, I became a mother.

Three years ago, we became a family.

Three years ago, we traveled half way around the world to meet you.

Three years ago, one journey ended and another one began.

Three years ago, there was you.



Three years ago, there was us.



Three years ago, there was forever.

Seeking Balance

Lately it seems that I cannot find time to do everything that needs to be done. Its not that I have taken on too much, I haven't. Its more that I do not have the energy to get things done.

Sleep has been fleeting for me lately. When I call for it to come, it ignores my pleas. Instead it waits just out of reach. It will come when it is ready. But more often than not when sleep finally comes my way, another calls demanding my attention. I cannot ignore her cries. I can sleep another time.

The exhaustion spills over into my waking hours. Sometimes its all I can do to make it through to nap time so I can rest. But nap time has been a struggle lately. It appears that only one resident of this house believes that nap time is a good idea. Unfortunately, if the hold out does not agree, there is no nap. No rest for me again.

Certain things must be accomplished during the day - we must eat, we must brush our teeth, we must . . . Well maybe that is it for necessity, the rest is just optional. We should get dressed, mom should shower, we should leave the house, we should play silly dino games, we should read books, we should paint masterpieces, mom should write in her blog, mom should do laundry, mom should clean, mom should . . .

Or we could just sit on the couch in our pjs tucked under blankets.

That last option is always the most tempting. But I feel like I should get somethings done off the earlier list. I just can't figure out how to get the mom stuff done. The Bunny stuff is much easier to accomplish as she is often demanding a certain activity take place at a certain time. If the activity is not commenced right at the moment she feels it should be, her demanding will be come more forceful. If need be she will forcefully pull me away from whatever I am doing.

So my things fall to the wayside. I add them to the list in my head. I don't dare write the list down for fear that it would be too long, too overwhelming. I will get back to the task or project later, eventually. Unless something more pressing takes over and it usually does.

Unless sleep finally beckons me to join him.

Risk

Lately Bunny has been taking more risk. She is pushing her boundaries. She is branching out, trying new things and seeing how far she can go. It is a good thing. She is learning and growing up. But she knows that I will always be there to catch her.

Watching her take these risks makes me realize that I haven't taken much risk in my life. I've always been the good girl, done what is expected of me. I've rarely stood at the crossroads and taken that twisting turning dirt road. I usually travel on the paved roads.

I went to law school because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I wanted to do it. But I also harbored a dream of moving to New York. I didn't take that risk. And looking back I am glad that I didn't because I met my husband in law school and we adopted Bunny. That time the paved road led to treasure.

But I want to be an artist. To write, paint, draw and make jewelry. To date I am simply a dabbler. I enjoy doing it but I don't take risks so it never rises to the level of art. Its good but not great.

And why don't I take those risks? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of fear. So I live my life in a state of half-assedness. If I'm not trying then I'm not failing. Maybe I'm numb and have to walk into a few walls to wake myself up.

So now I'm opening myself up to the world. Here I am naked before you. This is me, this is who I am today. I am trying to take those risks to make myself into the person I want to be. Maybe its good, maybe its not but it is something and that is what is important.

So This Is It

Some days you wonder so this is what my life is.

Now I am an educated individual. I hold a law degree and licenses which would allow me to give you financial advice. I wouldn't recommend taking legal or financial advice from me at the present. But hypothetically you could do so.

But today I have spent all morning spouting such phrases as "Eat your bagel." "Where are your pants?" "Go find your shirt." "Don't hit the cat." And the bagel was not eaten. The pants were not found for a while. The shirt was worn as a hat. But luckily the cat was not hit.

Yeah this is it. But its still better than my old job.