Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Let's Talk About Guilt

Ahhh, the G word. A mother's constant companion and worst enemy. All mom's have guilt, its part of the job description but as a stay at home mom, it seems to be a bit more prevalent because being a mom is now my full time job.

Today, just two days removed from Mother's Day, I am wallowing in Guilt with a capital G. Why today, what makes today so special?

Today I am sick. It started at 2 am when I woke up feeling all kinds of crappy (literally and figuratively) and it just got progressively worse. At about 4 I started seeing stars and thought I might pass out so I had to wake up Bubs, which made me feel guilty. He was great about it getting me juice and tea, which led to my second problem, causing me to puke. At that point I told him he had to stay home because I couldn't look after Bunny feeling the way I was feeling, leading to more guilt. I knew Bubs had meetings today that had to be canceled, guilt. Even when we worked for the same company, I would take off if Bunny was sick because his job as a supervisor was important and mine, well lets say there are a few reasons I'm not working there anymore.

My emergency passed and Bubs managed to get some more sleep but then he was up with Bunny early. I tried to sleep but then heard Bubs cheering and clapping when Bunny went to the potty, more guilt that I wasn't there. Guilt (and relief) when they went to the park. Guilt that Bubs had to miss work, guilt that I wasn't the one there for Bunny and guilt that I was sick.

Eventually the guilt won out and I told Bubs that he could go to work when she went down for a nap. Hey less guilt. When we both woke up from our respective naps the guilt came back because Bunny wanted Daddy. She refused to get out of her crib and told me on more than one occasion to leave, which of course led to crying. I finally managed to bribe her with the promise of applesauce and watching Ni Hao Kai-Lan, guilt and guilt. I also told her we could call Daddy and ask him to come home, more guilt.

She eventually warmed up to me being there and all seemed well. But then much to her relief (and mine), Daddy came home, guilt. Bubs told me to go back to bed, he would take Bunny back to the park and then out to dinner. I knew I should feel guilty about this but I didn't really care anymore. I feel terrible, I'm no fun to be around and I'm going back to bed.

Hopefully tomorrow comes and I am back to my normal, manageable guilt levels.

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