A Moment

Our relationship has been tough lately. You are growing up so fast, hurtling towards 3 at a breakneck pace. You can do it, you want to do it, everything, anything in your own way, on your own terms.

You listen. I know you hear me. I know you understand. You are smart, very smart. Your brain processes the information and chooses to do the opposite, sometimes in outright defiance, sometimes because you feel your way is better.

The word no, or any correction in behavior brings forth a storm. You immediately lash out, hitting, biting, kicking or looking for something to destroy. I am the frequent target, it's only natural given how much time we spend together.

There are times I wonder if I am helping or hurting the situation. I know how to calm you, it could be so easy to soothe you and move on with our day. But often exhaustion and frayed nerves win out, I have to make a point. You will have a time out. You will finish it, even if it takes all night.

So here we are, both of us warily circling the other like boxers looking for a weakness. Time that could be spent playing is spent fighting, trying to win control of the situation. It's exhausting and it does not bring out the best in either of us. Resentments creep in. You run to daddy. I gravitate towards Bunny.

Just when I am ready to throw in the towel, it happens. On one of our many visits to Starbucks, you fling yourself into my lap, climbing up to make yourself comfortable. A finger goes into your mouth. The other hand reaches for my ear. You are calm.

I relax. The breath I was holding waiting for a tantrum is expelled. I see you, the real you. I press my face into your forehead. Tears prick my eyes. I whisper silent prayers seeking forgiveness.

How could I have ever doubted you? How could I have ever doubted myself? You own my heart.

One Year Later

One year ago today I woke up on in the morning and my world was completely different. I didn't get ready for work. I didn't drive Bunny to day care. I didn't spend all day at a desk helping people with their problems.

One year ago I officially became a stay at home mom. I had no idea what to do. Since I'd been on leave after adopting Bunny, I'd never spent this much time alone with her. Was I going to like it? Was she going to like me? Was she going to miss daycare and being with all of her friends? Was I going to go crazy with no adult interaction?

I didn't really have a plan on how this was going to go. I lost my job and decided not to look for another one. After Bunny came home, my heart really wasn't in the work world. If I would have looked for another job, I would have done my research on the companies, the jobs available and decided which ones to apply for.

But what kind of research can you do to stay at home? I mean its your house, you live there. You know all about it. Also its your kid, you live with her. You should know all about her. Right? Well yes but it didn't mean I was any less freaked out.

None of my friends in town had kids so I didn't have a built in support network. I called a friend in Chicago who stayed at home and asked her what she did? Do you have things planned every day? Do you just hang out? Help! Please. She gave me some good advice.

I found a wonderful music class which we are still taking one year later. I found a play group. I joined a moms' group (which I never really got into and dropped out of). I got a memebership to the kids' museum. And away we went.

Most of the time it was great. I loved the freedom of hanging out in our pjs whenver we wanted. I loved to be able to go somewhere only when we wanted. It was better in the warmer weather when we could run around outside.

I marveled at my daughter, at her ability to learn anything and everything. I found myself learning things too (and not just about dinosaurs and lizards). I fell in love with her more than I ever thought possible.

There have been times in the past few months when I've contimplated going back to work. Not because I want to but because I might have to. But we've crunched the numbers and tightened our belts so it wasn't necessary.

I don't know what the future holds but I know that I have loved the past year. After working for so many years, I can finally say that I love my job.

An Essay on My Life

Right now I am working my way through the paperchase phase of our adoption.

As part of this process, I've been asked to answer a Parent Questionnaire. It seems like this questionnaire is designed to give some one who doesn't know you a complete description of you. Who you were, who you are now and who you hope to be.

Its an interesting exercise, trying to sum up all of your experiences. To find out what makes you tick. You look at your past remebering the events both good and bad that shaped your outlook on life. You wonder what would you have done differently, if anything. I might have forgone some forgetable wardrobe choices and hairstyles but that is it. Everything that has happened, no matter how difficult or painful, is etched on my soul. These events have made me who I am today.

Then they ask you about what you want for your child. What experiences you had growing up do you want your children to have. What do you not want them to have. You of course want to share all the really cool things that you did, saw and experienced with your kids. And you want to sheild them from all the bad stuff.

How would you want your children to be like you or not like you? These children do not share your DNA. They do not share that fundamental part of you. They are not going to have your eyes or your height. All the ways that they will be like you will be learned from you, from how you act and what you say. Wow. So this makes you think about what kind of values do you want to impart on your children. What passions and joys do you want to share with them.

These are the questions that parents think about for their child's whole life. These are the questions that keep you up at night. They are the essence of what makes you a parent. There are no easy answers. How am I supposed to come up with an answer and write it down on a piece of paper?