I've come to a realization. It is time for me to come to grips with something I've known in my heart for so long.
We are in the process of bringing another child into our family. It is a child that I want more than anything else in this world. A child I love with all of my heart even though I have never met him.
We began the adoption process last fall and we have not progressed very far. I have been dragging my feet on getting our paperwork done. And I wondered why I wasn't doing what I needed to get done. The faster I moved, the sooner our child would be here. I want this other child. I can see his face when I close my eyes. So why wasn't I moving heaven and earth to get him here? I could chalk it up to laziness and procrastination, I am no stranger to those demons. But that was not the answer.
Then one day it hit me. I wanted to have a biological child. I thought if I didn't get the adoption process rolling, then maybe just maybe I would get pregnant.
It is a dream that I have had for so long. I can't even rememeber the first time I thought about having children, playing mommy as girls often do with a pillow under my shirt. It was a given, I would get pregnant, I would have a baby. Every one does.
But not every one does.
Month after month, year after year, I didn't get pregnant.
So I moved on and made other plans. We built our family through adoption. But I thought about having a baby. People told me that I would get pregnant after we adopted. They told me stories about it happening. I knew people it had happened to. I grabbed at the hope that those stories offered and held on tight. It happens. It can happen to you.
But it didn't happen.
Month after month, year after year, it didn't happen.
And maybe it never would.
In my mind I knew it.
But my heart still held on to this dream. And in order to move forward, I had to release the dream that I had held in my heart for so long. I thought my heart would break into a million tiny pieces when I finally said those words. But I had to do it, I had to open my mouth and say out loud to the world:
I am never going to get pregnant. I am never going to carry a baby inside of me for nine months. I am never going to give birth to a child. I am never going to feel the joy and the pain that experience can bring.
As I said those words, I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. My heart hurt but it had not broken. I was still here. The earth was still spinning. The sun was still shining. My daughter, my beloved daughter, was still laughing and playing.
And now I can move on.
The child I see when I close my eyes does not look like me, nor does he look like my husband. He has cocoa brown skin and dark eyes. The son that I want, the son that I love is the one we are planning on adopting.
Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger