Comfort

As I rode the train to the BlogHer conference, I was scared. I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I was going to something that was so beyond my comfort zone and I was going alone.

I knew no one.

Well I "knew" some people, but I had never met them. My two worlds, the world inside my computer and the world outside of it were going to connect. And I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Would they like me? Would I like them? Would I be able to unfreeze my tongue and actually speak to them? Would I hide in the back of the room? Or would I hide out in my room, only venturing out for panels and food?

And then it hit me, I didn't have a room for Thursday night. I had no place to hide. I would be forced to mix and mingle. Because, in a totally uncharacteristic move, I asked someone I didn't know (in real life) if I could crash in their room. I couldn't very well be anti-social since they were being so nice to me. So I opened my mouth and words actually came out.

The more I spoke and the more I was spoken too, the more I relaxed. Maybe I could do this, maybe I would actually have fun. So I went with it, speaking to everyone I met and having fun along the way.

When I finally did retreat to my room for the night to rest my aching head and tired feet, I found no comfort. There was only the choice between chairs and the floor. I tried scrunching my 5'10" frame into the arm chair and resting my feet on the desk chair. The floor was an option, but not an appealing one. I moved from chair to floor and back again, trying to find a place to rest. I looked enviously at the beds. Their occupants were deep in sleep, oblivious to the world around them. I wanted that, I needed that.

At 2 am, I was sitting on the floor, alone again. I realized that I had not quite overcome my discomfort. I could have asked someone else, someone with only one roommate, if I could have shared their room for the night instead of being the awkward fifth in a room of four. The women I met were kind and would not have turned me away. But I could not ask. I did not ask.

I woke up in the morning, feeling much older than my almost 40 years. My body hurt. My head ached. My nerves were raw. I was not looking forward to the day. I was looking forward to 3pm when I could check into my room and have a bed to myself. Bleary eyed and tired, I imagined that I would, in fact, retreat to my room.

But again, greetings were extended to me, arms waved me over, seats were saved for me. I was welcomed wholeheartedly into the community. Laughing and hugging and sharing stories soothed my aches and pains and rubbed away the jagged edges of my nerves. When it was time to check into my room and finally had my own bed, the wonderfully soft and comfy bed with its own gravitational pull, I did not want to stay there. I wanted to be out amongst the friends that I had made. I wanted to meet more people.

The last night of the conference, late at night, I sat on a bed. I was not alone. I was surrounded by people, real live people, my friends. We talked and laughed. We took pictures in an attempt to capture the moment. We talked some more. We laughed at things that are flappy. We created lasting memories.

I had finally found my comfort.

Training Update

Training, training, training. I feel like that is all I am doing. Its not but sometimes it feels that way.

I got my bike back and went for my first ride outside. It felt great. I saw a deer and a muskrat along the parkway so that made the time fly by. Just like with running, biking outside is much harder than using the bike at the club. But I did 10 miles in an hour so I'm happy. I am going to do one of my bikes outside each each week.

The run was good as always. I've decided to do a 5k in August so that is giving me extra motivation.

And the swim, what can I say. I am doing it but I don't feel like I am progressing much. So I think its time to call the trainer again for some help. But on the upside, I got my red redone on Friday and it survived a session in the pool. Hoorray for the power of swim caps!

Grieving and Letting Go

I've come to a realization. It is time for me to come to grips with something I've known in my heart for so long.

We are in the process of bringing another child into our family. It is a child that I want more than anything else in this world. A child I love with all of my heart even though I have never met him.

We began the adoption process last fall and we have not progressed very far. I have been dragging my feet on getting our paperwork done. And I wondered why I wasn't doing what I needed to get done. The faster I moved, the sooner our child would be here. I want this other child. I can see his face when I close my eyes. So why wasn't I moving heaven and earth to get him here? I could chalk it up to laziness and procrastination, I am no stranger to those demons. But that was not the answer.

Then one day it hit me. I wanted to have a biological child. I thought if I didn't get the adoption process rolling, then maybe just maybe I would get pregnant.

It is a dream that I have had for so long. I can't even rememeber the first time I thought about having children, playing mommy as girls often do with a pillow under my shirt. It was a given, I would get pregnant, I would have a baby. Every one does.

But not every one does.

I didn't.

Month after month, year after year, I didn't get pregnant.

So I moved on and made other plans. We built our family through adoption. But I thought about having a baby. People told me that I would get pregnant after we adopted. They told me stories about it happening. I knew people it had happened to. I grabbed at the hope that those stories offered and held on tight. It happens. It can happen to you.

But it didn't happen.

Month after month, year after year, it didn't happen.

And maybe it never would.

Never.

In my mind I knew it.

But my heart still held on to this dream. And in order to move forward, I had to release the dream that I had held in my heart for so long. I thought my heart would break into a million tiny pieces when I finally said those words. But I had to do it, I had to open my mouth and say out loud to the world:

I am never going to get pregnant. I am never going to carry a baby inside of me for nine months. I am never going to give birth to a child. I am never going to feel the joy and the pain that experience can bring.

As I said those words, I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. My heart hurt but it had not broken. I was still here. The earth was still spinning. The sun was still shining. My daughter, my beloved daughter, was still laughing and playing.

And now I can move on.

The child I see when I close my eyes does not look like me, nor does he look like my husband. He has cocoa brown skin and dark eyes. The son that I want, the son that I love is the one we are planning on adopting.

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger

You Look Like A Big Girl Now

Bunny had her first hair cut today. I had a few issues with her getting it done. It was necessary but I didn't want to do it.

So we started off with her hair looking like this:


Then the haircut started. I was surprised that I didn't start crying. I managed to hold it together and she was such a good sport.



But when it was done, I got a bit misty. She didn't look like a little girl anymore. She looks like a big girl, a girl who was getting ready to go to school with her Kai Lan backpack. (Okay now I'm crying) She looks like an angel:


The women at the salon just loved her. She got a sucker. And she also got, what I consider to be an even bigger treat, a free toe and nail polish:


All in all she thought it was fun. She looked at me, yanked the tootsie pop out of her mouth and said "I have rainbow toes, momma." Yes you do big girl.

Whirlwind

My life is typically boring. I have a routine that gets me through the week. The weekends are usually spent with family time. We rarely have any engagements or special events. Even in the summertime when weddings, barbeques and vacations usually clutter the calendar, ours is relatively clear.

But for some reason, we are busy this summer. And everything we have to do is crammed into the month of July. A family reunion was followed immediately by a trip to a circus carnival, followed by a barbeque.

We will then add parties and concerts to the mix. Saturday will bring us to the triple bill of Poison, Def Lepard and Cheap Trick (admit it you are so jealous). Sunday a garden party at the Zoo for my husband's company's annual meeting. Then a concert on Tuesday with the annual meeting featuring ... Kool and the Gang and ... Danny Gokey (and now you are even more jealous of me).

Then I'm off to BlogHer and LobbyCon on Thursday for a fun filled weekend of meeting and greeting a bunch of really cool bloggers. There will be all sorts of cool parties and events to go to. I am really excited.

To finish off July and usher in August, we all jet off to New York City to visit our very best friends.

And then we come home and pass out.

Family

Here are some photos of the family reunion we went to in Iowa last week. We had a wonderful time with my mom's family. And Bunny keeps asking when we are going back.

Update Time

I'm back from the family reunion. We all had a wonderful time. Pictures and stories will follow at a later date.

A while back I mentioned that I was going in to get my hair done and I was not sure what to do with it. Well I went from this


To this


Pretty cool, right? I love it. Well I should say I loved it because . . .

While we were in Iowa, I decided to get a swim in for my tri training at the hotel pool. I was there with Bunny and didn't bring my swim cap or googles down. I thought it would be no big deal but my pretty red highlights are now a faded bronzy pink (and not in a good way). I had the red for a week. A week! Not happy. My hair dresser said they would fade and I might have to have them re-done with a more permanent dye sooner rather than later. I thought a few weeks not one. Which just shows you how strong chlorine is. So a word to the wise, if you're going to swim with brand new highlights, wear a swim cap.

So that was a low for the training but the rest went pretty well. I ran two miles with out stopping on the treadmill at the hotel. I was impressed with myself. Running on a treadmill is way different than running outside. I'm not sure I could have done it outside but two miles is two miles and that is cool.

I did a full bike workout on Saturday, the full 12 miles that I would do in the race. Then I went on the treadmill to see how it would feel to transition to the run. Um, not good at all. My legs felt like lead, my calves were tight. I had to stop and stretch a lot before I could really start running. I only ran for 10 minutes but it was enough to show me I had some serious work to do.

All in all I feel like I am progressing on the bike and the run but the swim has me worried. I can't swim more than 2 laps without stopping. And I've never even covered a 1/4 mile in my workouts let alone a 1/2 mile. So I've got some serious work to do in the next 11 weeks.

Training Update and Announcement

Training was back on schedule this past week. I did great on biking, logging the actual race distance during one of my rides. Running was great too. I even managed to squeeze in an extra run and I still felt good.

Swimming was another story. I wanted to swim. I went to the club to swim. But then I found out the lap pool was closed all week for maintainance. I managed to squeeze in one work out in the exercise pool in the midst of kiddie swim lessons, and two water walkers. Needless to say it wasn't my best effort to date. So this week, I'll have to work a bit harder.

Which brings me to my announcement, I will not be posting this week because we are headed to a family reunion in Iowa. We will be leaving tomorrow and not returning until late Friday afternoon. So I hope you all have a good week, I'll see you next week.

Carded

I have a dilemma. Since I am going to Lobby Con at BlogHer this year, I need to have some spiffy business cards to promote my blogs.

It makes perfect sense, cards help people remember who you are. But I have three business that I would like to promote - this blog, Juniper and Coffee and my Etsy store. And three business cards seems like an awful lot to hand out.

And there is also the added problem that every time I've ordered business cards in my professional life, I've quit that job within six month. I don't want to quit blogging or making jewlery so should I even risk ordering cards?

So that is my little dilemma. I would appreciate hearing what you are doing and what you think I should do.

Hair There And Everywhere

Or how to hit a moving target.

I may have mentioned previously that I have some issues with my hair. I cannot decide how to wear it. Should I cut it short? Should I grow it long? Should I keep it blondish? Should I go brunette? Should I dye it pink?

Well lately I've been growing it out. It is at a lovely mushroomy state right now, falling just at the bottom of my ears. In other words it is annoying. Tomorrow is d-day in a way. I have a hair appointment and I have to make a choice where to go from here.

I want to grow it out. I am so close to getting it to the style I want. But I am also close to pulling it all out. So I may be having Terri, my stylist, talk me down from the ledge. But if I can't get it to look exactly the way I want it to look length-wise, it probably means a color change. We will just have to see.

I also have an obsession with my daughter's hair. Because I didn't have long hair when I was growing up, I am keeping her hair as long as possible. Other than her bangs, her hair has never been cut (so she's the exact opposite of me).

But it is approaching an unruly length. I have to put it up every day to keep it out of her face. But she always complains that I pull her hair when I am putting it up so she preferrs it down. Which inevitably leads to her getting food in her hair or hair in her mouth, which she hates.

So this means it is probably time for her to get it cut. She could lose about 3 inches and it would still be below her shoulders, it would still be long. I could do that, I think. But then I think, if I'm going to get it cut why not donate it to Locks of Love and cut it short. Well this leads me to have flashbacks of being mistaken for a boy with my short hair and I can't do that to her.

So I do nothing and it keeps getting longer and more unruly. I can't even make an appointment to get her bangs trimmed for fear that I will make a hasty decision on a cut and traumatize myself (she wouldn't care in the least). Which means I have to trim her bangs at home and now they look all wonky and uneven.

Sigh.