An Open Letter

Dear Varmints:

Do you mind if I call you varmints? Because that is what you are. Everyone else may think you are cute little squirrles, but I'm not fooled. You are varmints.

Now we go back a long way and I've put up with a lot from you. You built your nest in my exhaust fan in the upstairs bathroom. I don't know how long you lived there but one day would be too long.

You've made a few uninvited visits into our home. You caused some destruction when you were chased by our cats (hopefully they chased you and not the other way around). While the image of Bubs trying to get you to run out of the front door instead of under the couch was freaking hilarious (I wish I had it on video so I could put it up on YouTube), I really didn't appreciate the visit.

I thought we'd gotten past our problems. I know you were a bit (ok majorly) peeved when we evicted you but you seemed to let it go. The creepy garage seemed like a nice alternative living space for you. You frolicked in the yard, eating the bird seed we provided. And you really seemed to like the apples falling from our tree.

But then as these things go, we decided to evict you from the garage too. We are trying to get it into shape and frankly I was scared to go in there. I never knew when one of you would jump out at me. So out you went.

I know that you are upset with all of the changes we've made to your living arrangements. But now you've gone too far and its upsetting Bunny. I cannot let this continue.

A few weeks ago we took a family trip to the pumpkin farm. Bunny was excited to pick out her own pumpkins. When we got home, we proudly displayed said pumpkins on our porch along with several gourds I picked out.

The first day all of the gourds disappeared, seven total. I couldn't be sure who had done it. Maybe it was one of the kids down the street. So I didn't get too mad.

The next day one of the pumpkins had been completely disembowled, leaving seeds everywhere. I began to suspect it was you. My suspicions were confirmed the following morning when I saw you tearing into another one. One by one the pumpkins went down, only their tattered carcasses remained.

Bunny was horrified. "Momma, what happened to the punkins? The punkins are gone." I had to act fast. We headed to the local farm stand to buy more. These we carved. Bunny enjoyed it so much. She loved the faces we made. She was so proud to put them out on the porch.

I was a bit hesitant but thought since the seeds were gone you might leave them alone. But no. You started in right away. There are teethmarks in every one. The tops are totally gone from two. I know they won't last until Halloween and I'm not going to buy more to fuel your sadistic games. You haven't bothered the 10 pumpkins on our neighbor's porch. None of the others in the neighborhood have been eaten. Only ours.

That is it. I'm drawing a line in the sand. This ends tonight, one way or another.