In Dreams

I crawl in between flannel sheets toasted to the right temperature by my electric blanket. I situate the pillow just so. I grab my worn teddy bear (don't judge). I reach a hand out for Frink. We lie together holding hands in our warm bed waiting for sleep to take us.

It's perfect.

No one needs me. I can focus on much needed sleep to restore my body and revive my spirits.

It should be my favorite time of day.

But it is not.

Instead I lie with one ear open waiting for the inevitable cries of the Lion cub. Baby monitor or not, I can hear every cry or movement coming from his room downstairs. Sound travels well in our house and my ears are attuned to his calls.

It might just be a whimper, searching for his nanny blanket. Or it could be an incessant call of "Momma, Momma". I could hear his feet hit the floor as he runs to the door searching for us. I hear him fumble with the door handle, and his fists hitting the door in frustration when he realizes he cannot open it. The worst is the screams, the sounds of night terrors.

Night can be scary for a little one. They are in their most vulnerable state. Memories can surface, the loss of a parent, the loss of a home, the loss of a womb mate, the loss of everything familiar. Those memories would cause a disturbance in any of us. We would seek comfort, the knowledge that we are not alone. We would want to know that we are loved.

Because I don't know what causes the cry, I get out of bed and trudge down the stairs to comfort him. He needs his sleep. It is my job to make sure that he feels safe and secure enough to sleep. There are times when the only comfort I can give is a place in my bed.

There are those who would judge me. You are doing it wrong. He needs to learn to sleep on his own. He should cry it out. I've heard those voices, sometimes in my own head but I know they are wrong. I know what I am doing is right for right now. It won't last forever. He has only been home for eight months, he needs this. I need this.

So there are nights when he wakes multiple times and I only see three, four or five hours of sleep. Sometimes several nights in a row. Sometimes I can't remember when I last slept more than two hours in a row.

But there are nights, more common now, when he will sleep for eight or nine hours in a row. These are the nights which give me hope. These are the nights in which I can dream.

Life As We Used To Know It

Bunny had a sleep over at Ama and Baca's last night. Its a common enough occurrence and we all enjoy it. Bunny, Ama and Baca love it because they get to spend time together. Frink and I love it because we get to spend time together, alone.

We get to talk uninterrupted. We can go to non-kid friendly restaurants and stuff ourselves with margaritas, chips and salsa. Or we can cook a dinner together that does not involve food in nugget, stick or dog form. We can watch movies that do not have any talking animals or animated characters. In other words we get to be adults.

We also love it because we get to experience a peaceful night sleep. The kind of sleep where you don't have one ear open waiting to hear your child's cries. Deep, restorative sleep. Sleep that is only interrupted by a cat who decides the most comfortable place in all the world is on your feet. A nine pound cat, who in that magical sleeping cat form now weighs 1,000 pounds. And you have to struggle out from under this magically heavy sleeping cat to find a more comfortable position.

But that interruption is minor and your sleep is blissful. When you wake, you have no idea how long you've slept but you know that you are rested. Its only by the faint light behind your curtains, that you realize it is morning. You fumble for your glasses to read the clock and see the numbers six, four, zero.

You smile and wait for the sounds you know are coming, the fumbling of a door knob and the running of little feet. You wait for 33 pounds to launch itself onto your bed. You wait for a little girl, still warm from sleep, to dive underneath the covers. You wait for knees to find your stomach, for feet to kick your thighs, for little hands to reach out for yours. You wait for your morning ritual to begin.

Maybe with your hands clasped together, you will drift back to sleep. Or on weekend mornings, like today, the three of you will lie there giggling and whispering of upcoming adventures. On weekday mornings, she will try to hide under the covers when daddy returns from the shower. I say try to hide because one cannot successfully hide when one is giggling and "whispering" in an outside voice. But daddy plays along, pretending she's not there in that wiggling, giggling lump under the covers, all so she can jump up and yell Boo! And then, at 7 a.m., you can go downstairs and begin the day.

The noises you are waiting to hear don't come. The house is quiet. You realize that she is not here. The enjoyable evening you shared with husband and the restful night sleep you had don't seem as wonderful. There is something missing.

The morning that should hold so much promise because it is yours alone seems rather empty. You could get up and head out the door to run, the pounding of your feet on the earth, the cool crisp air in your lungs would surely energize you. You could make a pot of coffee and putter around the house, open the computer and read the blogs you have been neglecting for so long. Or you could hold on to the sleep that is slowly leaving your body, pull it back to you and drift back into its warm embrace.

You could do any of those things, but your heart's not really in it. The light that makes your day brighter, isn't here. So you just lie there and wait for it to return.

Suddenly, you hear a cry and feel a weight jump onto the bed. Is it her? Your heart starts warm with the possibility that maybe it was just a dream. That maybe she is really here.

No, she is not here. Its just one of your fur babies. The cat has seen you move and is now demanding to be fed. So you give up, get out of bed way too early and begin your day.

And you figure as long as you are up, you should make your stupid football picks (winners in bold and red):

Houston @ Cincinnati

Detroit @ Green Bay

St. Louis @ Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Minnesota

NY Giants @ New Orleans

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Kansas City @ Washington

Philadelphia @ Oakland

Arizona @ Seattle

Tennessee @ New England

Buffalo @ NY Jets

Chicago @ Atlanta

Monday Night Football:

Denver @ San Diego

Combined score: 42

Check out the rest of the BFL action here.

Seeking Balance

Lately it seems that I cannot find time to do everything that needs to be done. Its not that I have taken on too much, I haven't. Its more that I do not have the energy to get things done.

Sleep has been fleeting for me lately. When I call for it to come, it ignores my pleas. Instead it waits just out of reach. It will come when it is ready. But more often than not when sleep finally comes my way, another calls demanding my attention. I cannot ignore her cries. I can sleep another time.

The exhaustion spills over into my waking hours. Sometimes its all I can do to make it through to nap time so I can rest. But nap time has been a struggle lately. It appears that only one resident of this house believes that nap time is a good idea. Unfortunately, if the hold out does not agree, there is no nap. No rest for me again.

Certain things must be accomplished during the day - we must eat, we must brush our teeth, we must . . . Well maybe that is it for necessity, the rest is just optional. We should get dressed, mom should shower, we should leave the house, we should play silly dino games, we should read books, we should paint masterpieces, mom should write in her blog, mom should do laundry, mom should clean, mom should . . .

Or we could just sit on the couch in our pjs tucked under blankets.

That last option is always the most tempting. But I feel like I should get somethings done off the earlier list. I just can't figure out how to get the mom stuff done. The Bunny stuff is much easier to accomplish as she is often demanding a certain activity take place at a certain time. If the activity is not commenced right at the moment she feels it should be, her demanding will be come more forceful. If need be she will forcefully pull me away from whatever I am doing.

So my things fall to the wayside. I add them to the list in my head. I don't dare write the list down for fear that it would be too long, too overwhelming. I will get back to the task or project later, eventually. Unless something more pressing takes over and it usually does.

Unless sleep finally beckons me to join him.

Sleep

When you become a parent, sleep is like a long lost friend. You promise to keep in touch but you never really get together. You have great memories of solid a solid night sleep. And who can forget all the times you slept until noon in college. But they are only memories.

Bunny is a pretty good sleeper so we've been very lucky. But with the advent of potty training has come a new sleep issue, waking up at all hours of the night to use the potty. "Mommy I have to use the potty" can come at any time 11:00 pm, 2:00 am, 4:00 am. And of course after its over its hard to fall back asleep.

We've also encountered another problem. If Bunny doesn't wake up in time and actually goes in her diaper, she freaks out. Diapers are not for peeing in anymore, they are only for peace of mind. If she has an "accident" she sobs uncontrollably. While this is a good sign that she is potty trained, it is a bad sign for sleeping.

We had one such accident the other night. Daddy went in to comfort her to no avail. She was still wailing after 30 minutes. So we decided to bring her into our bed. We've never really done this but we were desperate. Everyone needed sleep and this seemed like a good option. It wasn't

When she arrived in our room, she flung herself into my arms and continued to cry. She finally managed to settle down and began to fall asleep. It warmed my heart to see her peaceful, to feel her heart beating as she curled up against me. But then my arm fell asleep. When she finally rolled off of my arm, I got to look at the most perfect face in the world looking so angelic in sleep. Until the most perfect foot in the world kicked me in the ribs. Hard. Twice.

And then there was the polar bear. She started mumbling about something or other. Then she sat up, looked me straight in the eyes and asked "why aren't the polar bears in the house, momma?" Um, what? Excuse me, polar bears? Oh right, I forgot she talks in her sleep.

Well the polar bears were enough to wake her up and she started tossing and turning and poking and kicking mommy some more. So it was back to her room. "Mommy don't go. Sleep on the floor with me mommy. I'm scared of the dark." And in my sleep deprived state, I agreed. I grabbed blankets and pillows and hunkered down on the floor. Where she proceeded to toss, turn, and kick me some more. Fun.

She finally got in her bed and fell asleep. I guess I did too because I woke up two hours later with an aching back and shoulder. I crawled back to my room for another hour of fitful sleep before being greeted by the cries of "I have to go potty momma" at 6:30.

Attitude of Gratitude June 4th

Today I am greatful for the ability to sleep in.

Now what qualifies as sleeping in depends on your perspective. In the old pre-child days, sleeping in meant 10, 11 or even noon (depending on the previous nights activities). And this was a gloriously deep and uninterrupted sleep.

With Bunny in my life, sleeping in means 7 or gasp! 7:30.

But today we kicked it old school and slept in til 8. Aww yeah!

If Bunny Doesn't Sleep

Then nobody sleeps.

Ah the joys of being a parent, your sleep schedules are entirely dictated by another human being. Since Bunny's adoption she has been a great sleeper, usually sleeping from 8:30 to 6 or 7, plus a 2 hour nap. Fantastic.

But lately no matter what we do before bedtime she has been talking in her crib until 10 pm and still waking up at 6 or 7. Now the two hours between when she goes down and when I go to bed (yes I go to bed at 10, momma needs her sleep) are spent listening to her talk, complain and even cry.

Last night it went something like this:
8:45 pm - Crying that her bunny was not in her crib. The bunny was placed in her arms and she laid down again. Talking commenced.

9:15 pm - The book she has insisted on sleeping with for the past week was deemed to be too scary and had to be removed. Once the offending book was removed, she laid back down and again started talking.

9:50 pm - The sippy cup we placed in her crib to avoid repeated requests for water was also deemed to scary as it might spill and had to be removed. Once the sippy was removed, she laid back down and actually fell asleep.

This morning she woke up at 7 am very tired. Mom unfortunately woke up at 5:45 very tired. So this should be a fun day.