Run

I am a runner.

The ability to write that statement is amazing to me. 

I've lived my life in fits and starts.  I've jumped into things with both feet only to pull out before my feet hit the water.  Sometimes, I would wade around in the shallow end for a while before deciding the water was too cold, too hot, too watery, too wet.  I would get out never to return again.

I've started things for the wrong reason.  Everyone else was doing it.  I thought it would make me popular, prettier, thinner, happier, something.  I was lured by the shiny, not knowing that real work lay beneath the pretty exterior.  The work, the effort, the monotony, the tedium always turned me off.

Start then stop.  Join then quit.  Activities, jobs, diets, crafts, novels, plans, life.

My motivation was always wrong.  That dangerous space between my ears allowed doubt and fear creep in.  I don't want to.  I won't.  I can't.

Earlier this year I started again.  It was a nice day, warm and sunny when I had forgotten what warm and sunny looked like.  It was an exercise day but instead of hitting the elliptical at the gym, my body itched for something different.  So I laced up my shoes, turned on some tunes and ran.

I've run before.  Couch to 5K, an ill-fated attempt to train for a triathlon (really?!?) were started and stopped.  I've run races, at least one per year for the past few years.  One and that was it.

But this time was different.  I felt the difference from the first run.  I felt good, happy, euphoric.  I felt the rush of endorphins I had heard so much about.  I felt strong.  So I did it again and again.  I felt happier, stronger.

On an endorphin high I decided to sign up for a race on Mother's Day.  I did not immediately regret the decision as I might have in the past.  Instead I trained.

The race was yesterday.  I woke up happy.  I had a spring in my step. 

As I stood at the starting line and looked around at the 400 plus women, I fought this overwhelming urge to cry.  But it was not a desire born out of fear, nerves or panic.  I was ready to breakdown and cry huge, ugly tears of joy. I knew I was meant to do this.  

I was happy.  I ran and it made me happy.  I had done this because I wanted to.  It was for me and me alone.

I might have walked more than I wanted too.  I might have been passed by women in their 70s and girls in their teens.  But I ran and I finished.

I am a runner.

Possiblities

I love this time of year. Everything feels shiny and new like there are new possibilities around every corner. There is so much I want to do, to try.

But I am careful. I do not resolve or promise anything. Instead I follow the possibilities seeing where they may lead. Perhaps there will be an undiscovered present full of joy, perhaps not. That is the gift of the new year, it holds so much promise. We can make it whatever we choose.

This year I choose love. I choose laughter. I choose hope. The rest will take care of itself.

Dandelions

She could barely contain her excitement in the morning.
"Mommy can we go to school now?"
"No sweetie. Its only 7:30. Your school doesn't start until 9."

She took extra care in getting dressed.
"I want to wear a dress momma. M always wears dresses to school."

Finally it was time to leave. She was so excited, her wings flapping so hard that she could have flown to school.
"Momma, today is going to be the best day. I can't wait!"

She spotted M in the hallway. They ran to each other and hugged. M's blonde head with ribbons bent to Bunny's brunette head with a high ponytail. They whispered secrets. M approved of Bunny's purple dress, her favorite color is purple.

When it was time to go into class, the girls held hands. They waived off their mother's attempts to say good bye. There were more important things to do.

At pick up time, the teacher commented about the upcoming play date. She mentioned the girls held hands and played together the whole day. The girls were excited about their picnic at the park. They didn't even mind when they found out S was joining them. Bunny declared that S could be the look out for prickly weeds when they picked dandelions because S "is a boy and that's his job".

Bunny and M shared their lunches. They ran on the playground together. They picked dandelions and violets. They danced on picnic tables and "put on a show" for the mommies.

They were so sad when it was time for the play date to end. But they made plans to play at each other's houses. I think Bunny would have brought M home with her if she could.

As we pulled out of the parking lot Bunny sighed "I miss M. She is my best friend." My heart nearly burst with joy.

Fresh

The air is fresher now. The breeze is blowing warmer.









My mind is clearer. My body lighter.







People are venturing outdoors. The world is inhabited again with smiling faces, dogs wagging their tails, children laughing.









Grey and brown are beginning to be replaced with green.











It is time for the first swing on a big girl swing. Time to learn how to ride a tricycle.









Time to laugh. Time to love. Time to grow.

Bubbles

I've been silent for a while. I've got some thoughts running around my head but I can't make them coherent. Some thing happened that I am not sure is good or bad. I'm trying to make sense of it, to figure out what it means. Until I can do that I'll probably be silent for a little while longer.

But I couldn't deprive you of the glory that is Bunny for too long, so here is something to tide you over.

Dancing

A Taste of Spring

Today it was 58 degrees. On February 10th. In Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

This is the kind of weather you dream about all winter long. When its cold and snowy, you think to yourself that it will be warm. Someday. And that someday was today.

I am not naive enough to think that this will last. I know it will freeze again. I know it will snow again. But for now I will hold on to the feeling of warmth.

This One Is All Glitter Hearts and Balloons

I've been feeling a bit angsty lately if you haven't noticed. But that is not all that is going on in our world. Lots of things have been wonderful so I thought I'd share some with you.

Bunny's new thing is when you say "I don't know" or "Yeah" she gets quite angry. "Don't say that momma. Saying that makes Giganta's book go away and he loves his book. Don't make it go away." Well all righty, she sure told me.

She's also asking a lot of why questions, of course she is, she's 3. We always try and give the right answer. There is no sense in making something up, its better to tell her the truth. I think she appreciates it, even if she doesn't always understand the answer.

But what do you say to this question: "Momma, why are the dinosaurs extinct?"

"Um, well . . . you see know one really knows. There have been lots of theories but none of them have been proven. Maybe when you get bigger you can be a scientist and you can figure out."

"Oh yes, I be dino scientist. I love dinos."

She is also all about the glitter stickers. If she could she would cover every surface in our house with glitter stickers (which may actually be an improvement). Right now there are some on our side table in the living room, on the bathroom walls, on her horses and on every piece of art in the place. The plastic/paper backings are floating all around. The forced air heat keeps blowing them around making it nearly impossible to pick them all up. Of course I keep buying the stickers whenever I see them.

We still have the #3 mylar balloon we bought for her birthday over three weeks ago. I can't belive its lived this long, but it has. The regular balloons were released from captivity to go to live in the stars. Do you know why the stars are so bright? Its because all the balloons live in the stars (ok maybe we don't always tell her the truth but I like this little story).

Change, Inspire, Hope

Today I sat with my daughter on my lap and watched Barack Obama take the oath of office to become the President of the United States.

I listened to her say "President Barack Obama" as I had taught her, knowing that she could not possibly fathom the importance of the words she was saying.

I listened with tears streaming down my face to his speech about the challenges we as a nation are going to face. My daughter looked up at me and saw me crying. She said "Its okay momma, its gonna be okay." And she was right.

I wanted to share this moment with her. To know that she will grow up in a world where all things are possible. To her it will be normal that an African-American man can be president of the United States. That is amazing to me.

Right now my heart is full of hope for the future for both the new president and for my daughter.

Three

Wow. Three is huge. You are not a little baby anymore. You are no longer a toddler. You are a little kid.

You are learning new things every day. You can spell (and write) your name. You can count up to 20. You love the letter game and know what letters start a lot of words. You rhyme everything. When I ask what you want to learn in school, your list is so long. You want to know everything, right now. Pretty soon you will be smarter than me.




You love to laugh. You love to make up silly dino games. You make up the most wonderful stories. You love to sing and dance. Right now your favorite songs are the Bushel and a Peck song and You Are My Sunshine. But I've also caught you singing along to the Beatles and that makes me happy.

You are growing up. You are now tall enough to ride the dino ride at the fair all by yourself. But I love that you still want your mommy around. Your beloved dinos have fallen out of favor lately, replaced by horses and puffy glitter stickers. Crayons have been replaced by markers as the preferred method of artistic expression.

Today you are three, my dear Bunny. You fill our lives with such joy and love it is hard to believe what our world was like without you in it. I wish that your days are filled with laughter, sunshine, love, silly dino games, glitter stickers and whatever your heart desires.

But today my thoughts also go to a family half a world away. Even though I don't know you, I want you to know that the little girl you brought into this world, who has entered our family and our hearts, is happy and healthy. Thank you. I will never let her forget you.

One Year Later

One year ago today I woke up on in the morning and my world was completely different. I didn't get ready for work. I didn't drive Bunny to day care. I didn't spend all day at a desk helping people with their problems.

One year ago I officially became a stay at home mom. I had no idea what to do. Since I'd been on leave after adopting Bunny, I'd never spent this much time alone with her. Was I going to like it? Was she going to like me? Was she going to miss daycare and being with all of her friends? Was I going to go crazy with no adult interaction?

I didn't really have a plan on how this was going to go. I lost my job and decided not to look for another one. After Bunny came home, my heart really wasn't in the work world. If I would have looked for another job, I would have done my research on the companies, the jobs available and decided which ones to apply for.

But what kind of research can you do to stay at home? I mean its your house, you live there. You know all about it. Also its your kid, you live with her. You should know all about her. Right? Well yes but it didn't mean I was any less freaked out.

None of my friends in town had kids so I didn't have a built in support network. I called a friend in Chicago who stayed at home and asked her what she did? Do you have things planned every day? Do you just hang out? Help! Please. She gave me some good advice.

I found a wonderful music class which we are still taking one year later. I found a play group. I joined a moms' group (which I never really got into and dropped out of). I got a memebership to the kids' museum. And away we went.

Most of the time it was great. I loved the freedom of hanging out in our pjs whenver we wanted. I loved to be able to go somewhere only when we wanted. It was better in the warmer weather when we could run around outside.

I marveled at my daughter, at her ability to learn anything and everything. I found myself learning things too (and not just about dinosaurs and lizards). I fell in love with her more than I ever thought possible.

There have been times in the past few months when I've contimplated going back to work. Not because I want to but because I might have to. But we've crunched the numbers and tightened our belts so it wasn't necessary.

I don't know what the future holds but I know that I have loved the past year. After working for so many years, I can finally say that I love my job.

Merry Christmas to all

Snow Day!

Today we awoke to the first snowfall of the season. After last year's 100+ inches I wasn't that excited to see it but it was pretty.

When Bunny saw it she went crazy. She stood on the couch jumping up and down clapping. "Lets go play momma. Lets go. Lets go. L-E-T-S G-O." (yes we taught her that stupid cheer where you spell out lets go and she says it all the time.)

If I would have let her she would have run right outside in her pjs. But because I am a mean mom, I made her wear clothes, inclulding a sweater, snow pants, boots, jacket, scarf, hat and gloves. Afterwards I wasn't sure she'd be able to walk but she did.

We headed out into the back yard where we discovered about 2 inches of packing snow. Mommy made a very lame attempt to make a snow man but with only 2 inches of snow and a small yard it didn't quite work. Its more like a snow pillar. I also tried to throw snow balls but I throw like an uncoordinated girl (which is fitting because that is what I am). We headed to the park for awhile and then it was time to go home for hot chocolate.

It was the perfect day.

Yummy

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Pure Joy

Yesterday we went to Irish Fest in Milwaukee. Before Bunny, the highlights of the evening would have been spent drinking beer with friends and listening to Gaelic Storm.

Now its just a bit different. The highlight for all was the splash pad.