Thursday, January 29, 2009

No, Seriously, I Was Just Walking

A while back I wrote a guest post for IMommy in which I stated to the world that I was not a funny person, however I do possess a rare gift for physical comedy. Unfortunately for me the physical aspect of physical comedy involves me walking in to something and injuring myself. Its less Jim Carrey and more Chevy Chase playing Gerald Ford tripping down the stairs of an airplane (or maybe just Gerald Ford falling). And yes I am sure that there are many of you saying What? Who?

I am a clumsy person. Its not my fault, its genetic. I'm not casting blame but the person who I inherited it from knows who they are, and thank you so much.

I have good balance so I rarely fall on my arse (although I have in the past and it is hilarious). My clumsiness, unfortunately, involves something much more basic - the inabilty to walk with out injuring myself.

I'm sure you are saying to yourself "Renee, how can you injure yourself walking if you don't fall down?" Trust me its easy. Walking often involves passing stationary objects like tables, chairs, desks and doors. Most people can avoid those objects while they are walking. Not me. These seemingly inanimate objects magically spring to life when I walk by jumping out at the last second causing me to run into them.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had bruises on my shin (thank you, coffee table), hips (thanks tables, desks and door knobs) and arms (shelves, cabinets thanks so much). I have even managed to break bones while walking. Not once but twice. Yes, I've broken two toes while walking.

The first time I tripped over a raised portion of the sidewalk while wearing flip flops. My big toe slammed right into the offending piece of concrete causing it to jam and the joint attaching the toe to the foot to fracture. I figured I broke it but it hurt so bad for so long that I actually went to the doctor and had x-rays. All I got was confirmation that it was broken and the there's nothing we can do for you speech. I'm sure the doctor was thinking "Congratulations, you're an idiot!"

The second time was yesterday and was just as embarrassing. I had taken Bunny to an open gym. I spent the better part of an hour and a half making sure that she didn't injure herself. And the second we decided to leave, I injured myself. Brilliant!

We were heading toward the exit and I was walking past the balance beam. Apparently I didn't realize how close I was to the beam and how far out the beam foot sticks out because I walked right into it. Again, brilliant! I hit it hard with the tops of my toes.

I knew right away it was broken. I started seeing stars and kind of screamed. Lucky for me I didn't let loose with a stream of obscenities because Bunny was right next to me saying "What's wrong momma?" "Nothing sweetie, momma broke her toe. Like an idiot."

I managed to put my shoe on without passing out from the pain and drive us home. I thank my stars that it was the left foot or I don't think I could have driven the car. It hurt that bad. When we got home and I removed my shoes and socks I was treated to a wonderful site, a swollen purplish toe. The purple almost exactly matched the reminants of my last pedicure so I at least was color coordinated.

So now begins the long and slow recovery process where I have to watch that I don't stub my toe again. Which as you can see is pretty difficult for me not to do.

7 comments:

Kristin said...

That sucks!! I am pretty clumsy too. It usually involves hitting my head though. Its always my head....so I feel your pain..haha, no pun intended..I haven't broken a toe in a long time! Hope you have a quick recovery!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Ouch!

I have to admit that I find mystery bruises on my body daily. I guess walking into things is so commonplace that I barely remember it happening.

MamaCarter said...

the worst part is you did this sober. ow.

solo nicole said...

i am so with you but it's always my head...i hit my head on a daily basis!

iMommy said...

Oh no!!! That's terrible!

Hope it heals cleanly and quickly.

Z said...

I think we must be related. Because this? Describes me to a T!

I have incredible balance (former gymnast and all) and never fall down, BUT I constantly have bruises all over my body from walking into things!!! (And yes, Ive broken a toe just walking, too - though only once!)

Good luck with the recovery!!!

Michelle said...

I'm right there with you on this one...I'm always finding bruises that I don't even remember doing anything to get them....