Just Shoot Me Right Now

If I ever invite you to a party at my house, please suggest that you hold the party at your house or better yet a bar.

If I tell you not to bring anything, please for the love of all that is good and holy bring lots of wine and preferrably an IV so the wine can go directly into my blood stream.

If I suggest that you bring your children to the party, please hire a babysitter and then come to my house and take my child to your home with the babysitter.

Today we had Bunny's 3rd birthday party and holy shit it was a nightmare, for me. Everyone else had a lovely time. Me, not so much.

The party fell on a weekend right after my husband was out of town for work. Even though he was only gone for one night, it seemed like days. I decided to do all the heavy cleaning on Thursday night after Greys. I moved furniture, I washed the floor, I cleaned all the cobwebs. Heck I even cleaned the heating vents. I cleaned like a crazy person until 12:30 am. And there are two things you should know about me: 1. I hate to clean and 2. I need to be in bed by 10 in order to function.

Then Friday morning I cleaned some more. I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom floor. What!? Who the heck am I?! (Luckily for me Bubs came home in time to clean the kitchen. Thank goodness.)

And then I got the bright idea that I would make Bunny's cake from scratch. All of a sudden I've turned into Martha Freaking Stewart with all this happy homemaking stuff. Now don't get me wrong the cake was the best darn tootin' cake I have ever tasted. I mean seriously it was awesome.

But I made it too late in the day. It didn't have time to fully cool before I had to frost it. So the cake fell apart. I had to spackle the darn thing together with the most awesome frosting ever. Seriously it rocked. So the cake was all crumbly and wonky. I was afraid it would fall apart when we put the little horses on it.

Horses you say? Why would you put horses on a dinosaur obessed girl's cake? Because that is what she wanted. She did not want dinos on her cake. She wanted horses because now apparently they are her most favoritest animal ever.

So the party rolls around and the family arrives. Oh man I have never wished that my basement was fixed more that that moment. We had 7 adults and 4 kids (a 7 yr old, 2 3 yr olds and a 1 yr old) in our living room and dining room. It was mass chaos. I thought to myself, I want to have another kid? Why?!

All the toys were brought out. Even the ones that Bunny never, ever plays with. Towers were built with the cardboard blocks and then promplty knocked over. My nerves were shot, I was exhausted. They were screaming and running and jumping and . . . And I seriously contemplated going up to my bedroom with my wine and my cake and locking the door.

And then the boy cat noticed the balloons. He loves balloons because they are attached to ribbon. Which he loves to eat. So we spent the entire party chasing him out of the room and closing the door. But with that many people, you can't keep the door closed. So he got in and sure enough he ate some damn ribbon.

Do you know what happens when cats eat ribbon or string? They poop it out. Only sometimes it doesn't come all the way out and you have to remove it. By hand (preferrably while wearing gloves). But the cats don't like it when you try remove it so they run away with the ribbon hanging out of their butt. (Now some of you are wondering why I own this stupid ribbon eating, puking and peeing cat and right now I don't really have an answer for you).

So now the party is over. Bunny is on her way to bed. I am about to pour a glass of wine and head to bed myself. And I vow with the internets as my witness never to have another party at my house again (until the next time).