Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Moment

Our relationship has been tough lately. You are growing up so fast, hurtling towards 3 at a breakneck pace. You can do it, you want to do it, everything, anything in your own way, on your own terms.

You listen. I know you hear me. I know you understand. You are smart, very smart. Your brain processes the information and chooses to do the opposite, sometimes in outright defiance, sometimes because you feel your way is better.

The word no, or any correction in behavior brings forth a storm. You immediately lash out, hitting, biting, kicking or looking for something to destroy. I am the frequent target, it's only natural given how much time we spend together.

There are times I wonder if I am helping or hurting the situation. I know how to calm you, it could be so easy to soothe you and move on with our day. But often exhaustion and frayed nerves win out, I have to make a point. You will have a time out. You will finish it, even if it takes all night.

So here we are, both of us warily circling the other like boxers looking for a weakness. Time that could be spent playing is spent fighting, trying to win control of the situation. It's exhausting and it does not bring out the best in either of us. Resentments creep in. You run to daddy. I gravitate towards Bunny.

Just when I am ready to throw in the towel, it happens. On one of our many visits to Starbucks, you fling yourself into my lap, climbing up to make yourself comfortable. A finger goes into your mouth. The other hand reaches for my ear. You are calm.

I relax. The breath I was holding waiting for a tantrum is expelled. I see you, the real you. I press my face into your forehead. Tears prick my eyes. I whisper silent prayers seeking forgiveness.

How could I have ever doubted you? How could I have ever doubted myself? You own my heart.

4 comments:

Beth said...

Hang in there friend. It is sometimes despairingly hard. Thank God for small moments of peace and love.

anymommy said...

Ah, that is the cycle exactly. Hoping for many more moments like that for you.

Anonymous said...

I have the same moments with my two and a half year old Ethiopian princess! You're not alone.

amanda salmon said...

it so true! they just want to make sure you care enough to give them boundaries and not let them overpower you! stay strong and its so comforting to know how forgiving children are. they love us so much even tho sometimes we wonder how could they with the way they treat us and push the boundaries!