Monday, March 5, 2012

Feel It

I read a post today about feeling our feelings and grief that really hit home with me. With all of the physical pain I have been going through, I haven't really let myself feel the frustration and emotional pain. I always feel the need to be strong. I can't let you see any weakness in me. Feelings, grief and pain are weaknesses. I stuff them deep inside, never letting them out. Occasionally I will sate them with a bowl of ice cream or a box of cookies (okay maybe more than occasionally). So they stay hidden, if I can't see them or feel them no one else can.

I don't ask for help when I am in physical pain. I am superwoman. I can do it all. I am in control. Because of this it's hard for me to ask for help when I am in emotional pain. I can't ask for help, I don't know how.

So I do the only thing I can think of, I radiate the pain and discomfort out into the world. Looking at me you would see a giant wound. If you got close enough, you could physically feel the pain coming off of me in waves. You have to see the hurt. You have to feel my pain. You have to share my misery. You have to help me because I cannot help myself.

But at no time do I allow myself to express those feelings, to deal with them in a healthy way. I need to take the time to feel the physical pain, the limitations it has placed on my life. I need to feel the frustration of no diagnosis. I need to curl up in a ball on my bed with Bunny's stuffed dog in my arms (which I totally stole because I love it). I need to cry, big, huge, gut-wrenching sobs. I need to experience the pain, to name it, to own it and to move on.

I can't be the woman, the mother, the wife I want to be unless I take care of myself.

3 comments:

Issas Crazy World said...

Hugs sweetheart. Tons of big squishy hugs. I wish I had more to give you today, but I'm just barely holding together myself right now. Just know I love you.

jamie @ [kreyv] said...

I am so sorry you are experiencing so much pain, and not knowing why is probably equally as frustrating. Good luck, and we will keep you in our prayers.

Beth said...

As always, thank you for your honesty. A good snotty cry is often needed to cleanse. Prayers for you.