I am a control freak.
I want things to go my way.
I need things to go my way.
When things do not go my way as they usually don't, I kinda freak out about it.
Ok, I really freak out about it.
I try to control the uncontrollable and generally make myself miserable in the process.
Nap time is at 12 noon. Snuggle time starts soon thereafter. I love this time. I need this time.
Nap time isn't going to happen today. Despite waking up at 5:30, Lion has decided the 15 minutes he slept in the car is enough. I tried to force the issue. I tried to control the uncontrollable.
It didn't work.
I started to lose it. I wanted to cry. So I did the next best thing, I stepped back. I left the room. I let the kids play together. I cried for a few minutes then I just let it go. I breathed in and out. I was okay.
It was okay.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Balance, What Balance?
In this post I ask for your help. I am truly, desperately in need of some advice.
I have two children. You can see their smiling faces in my header picture. I love my children, I truly do. But did you know that my children possess an evil super power? It's true.
My children possess the power to manipulate time. They can take a normal day with 24 hours in it and make all of those 24 hours all about them. Now they may leave me a spare 5 minutes here or there to go to the bathroom, but more often than not they don't.
I have told my husband of their evil time manipulation but he does not believe me. "Honey, there are still 24 hours in the day. No one can change it" he tells me.
"No you don't understand," I argue. "We woke up and I was going to do some laundry. We some how ended up in the car and there was some screaming and hitting. Every time I turned around there was a child at my hip looking at me with a evil smile and laughing. Before I know it it's 11:30 at night and I haven't showered in 2 days. They are doing something to me I just know it. They are stealing time."
Even when I can grab a few spare minutes for myself to write this post, I can hear my son laughing an evil laugh and throwing things in the sink. I think he may have even thrown the cat in the sink.
So here is my desperate plea, I need some advice on how to steal the time back from my children. I have looked in all the places where they normally hide things and it is not there.
How do you get things done? How do you find time for yourself? How do you find time to shower?
And if its hopeless, please lie to me. Please I beg of you.
I have two children. You can see their smiling faces in my header picture. I love my children, I truly do. But did you know that my children possess an evil super power? It's true.
My children possess the power to manipulate time. They can take a normal day with 24 hours in it and make all of those 24 hours all about them. Now they may leave me a spare 5 minutes here or there to go to the bathroom, but more often than not they don't.
I have told my husband of their evil time manipulation but he does not believe me. "Honey, there are still 24 hours in the day. No one can change it" he tells me.
"No you don't understand," I argue. "We woke up and I was going to do some laundry. We some how ended up in the car and there was some screaming and hitting. Every time I turned around there was a child at my hip looking at me with a evil smile and laughing. Before I know it it's 11:30 at night and I haven't showered in 2 days. They are doing something to me I just know it. They are stealing time."
Even when I can grab a few spare minutes for myself to write this post, I can hear my son laughing an evil laugh and throwing things in the sink. I think he may have even thrown the cat in the sink.
So here is my desperate plea, I need some advice on how to steal the time back from my children. I have looked in all the places where they normally hide things and it is not there.
How do you get things done? How do you find time for yourself? How do you find time to shower?
And if its hopeless, please lie to me. Please I beg of you.
Monday, October 11, 2010
One Night of Freedom
Once upon a time, a girl met a boy. They did the usual things. They fell in love. They got married.
They had fun together. They traveled to far off lands. They rambled around their city. They enjoyed each other's company.
Then they did the usual thing and brought a child into their life. They were happy. They loved the child with all of their heart. They found new things to do together as a family. On occasion, they were lucky to have a babysitter. They got to enjoy each other's company again. They had fun together as grown ups.
Then the boy and the girl the did usual thing and brought another child into their lives. They were happy. They loved this new child with all of their hearts. They found new things to do together as a family.
With this new child they did not enjoy the same freedoms as they had with just one child. The nights out for just the two of them were few and far between. You did not need all of the fingers on your hand to count how many times they boy and the girl were alone together.
They were happy with their family but they missed being just a girl and a boy instead of a mom and a dad. Then one wonderful day the magical Ama and Baca gave the girl and the boy a night of babysitting, a night of freedom.
The girl and the boy were happy. They went on a mini-vacation. They rambled around together. They held hands. They sat on a park bench overlooking the water. They had dinner in a grown up restaurant. They slept a peaceful sleep. They were not awoken to the sounds of crying. No one wanted anything from them.
The girl and the boy had fun together. They enjoyed each other's company.
Rested and relaxed, they went home to their beautiful children.
And they lived happily ever after.
The End
They had fun together. They traveled to far off lands. They rambled around their city. They enjoyed each other's company.
Then they did the usual thing and brought a child into their life. They were happy. They loved the child with all of their heart. They found new things to do together as a family. On occasion, they were lucky to have a babysitter. They got to enjoy each other's company again. They had fun together as grown ups.
Then the boy and the girl the did usual thing and brought another child into their lives. They were happy. They loved this new child with all of their hearts. They found new things to do together as a family.
With this new child they did not enjoy the same freedoms as they had with just one child. The nights out for just the two of them were few and far between. You did not need all of the fingers on your hand to count how many times they boy and the girl were alone together.
They were happy with their family but they missed being just a girl and a boy instead of a mom and a dad. Then one wonderful day the magical Ama and Baca gave the girl and the boy a night of babysitting, a night of freedom.
The girl and the boy were happy. They went on a mini-vacation. They rambled around together. They held hands. They sat on a park bench overlooking the water. They had dinner in a grown up restaurant. They slept a peaceful sleep. They were not awoken to the sounds of crying. No one wanted anything from them.
The girl and the boy had fun together. They enjoyed each other's company.
Rested and relaxed, they went home to their beautiful children.
And they lived happily ever after.
The End
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Comfort
It is nothing special.
It's just a simple black oversized v-neck cardigan.
It's my favorite article of clothing.
It's old.
It's worn.
It's soft.
At the slightest hint of a chill, I wrap it around me like a blanket. I relax. I feel at ease.
Others may laugh when they see me wearing it for the 10th day in a row, to them it's just a sweater.
But to me it is much much more.
It is warmth.
It is a safe place.
It is comfort.
It's just a simple black oversized v-neck cardigan.
It's my favorite article of clothing.
It's old.
It's worn.
It's soft.
At the slightest hint of a chill, I wrap it around me like a blanket. I relax. I feel at ease.
Others may laugh when they see me wearing it for the 10th day in a row, to them it's just a sweater.
But to me it is much much more.
It is warmth.
It is a safe place.
It is comfort.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Skin
It's his comfort, his security. He climbs up on my lap, puts a finger in his mouth and reaches out his other hand to stroke my face and neck. The touch of my skin to his calms him. He nuzzles his face into my neck or places his forehead against my cheek.
He can only fall asleep when he is touching my skin. As he dozes off, his fingers dance over my face touching my eyes, nose or cheek. I can tell he is asleep when his hand lazily brushes past my neck before resting on his chest.
He pokes my belly and then his. Laughing at the similarities, the roundness, the softness. His eyes light up when he realizes our belly buttons are the same. Poke momma. Poke Lion.
My skin also bears the signs of his love. Bruises from excited or frustrated bites. The caresses of my face can turn into slaps or pinches. "No, no. Be gentle", I tell him. "Show momma love." The hits turn back to touches. The finger returns to the mouth. Calmness returns.
My skin is his comfort, his security. His skin and my skin are one and the same. It's what he needs now to feel safe.
There will come a time when he places his hand on my arm and he notices the differences. Dark cocoa brown and light peach are not the same. My skin will bear the wrinkles of time, his the softness of youth. How will I explain?
I will take his hand and touch it to my face. I will remind him of this time. I will remind him of the comfort and security he found. I will remind him that the touch of my skin to his was how we bonded, how we came to love and trust each other.
He can only fall asleep when he is touching my skin. As he dozes off, his fingers dance over my face touching my eyes, nose or cheek. I can tell he is asleep when his hand lazily brushes past my neck before resting on his chest.
He pokes my belly and then his. Laughing at the similarities, the roundness, the softness. His eyes light up when he realizes our belly buttons are the same. Poke momma. Poke Lion.
My skin also bears the signs of his love. Bruises from excited or frustrated bites. The caresses of my face can turn into slaps or pinches. "No, no. Be gentle", I tell him. "Show momma love." The hits turn back to touches. The finger returns to the mouth. Calmness returns.
My skin is his comfort, his security. His skin and my skin are one and the same. It's what he needs now to feel safe.
There will come a time when he places his hand on my arm and he notices the differences. Dark cocoa brown and light peach are not the same. My skin will bear the wrinkles of time, his the softness of youth. How will I explain?
I will take his hand and touch it to my face. I will remind him of this time. I will remind him of the comfort and security he found. I will remind him that the touch of my skin to his was how we bonded, how we came to love and trust each other.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sometimes The Glitter And Rainbows Look A Little Different
Today is my birthday.
Today is just another ordinary day. The world did not stop for me. There were no unicorns, no rainbows, no pink puffy heart stickers. Instead there were frozen waffles, runny noses and poopy diapers.
My birthday in 2010 did not turn out as I had envisioned. There is no flying car or robot maid. Instead I drove Bunny to school in an old SUV and I am the one picking up the legos that are left out for me to step on.
There is nothing extraordinary about my day, nothing special to mark my 41 years on this earth. Instead it is just an ordinary day filled with kisses and hugs, handmade birthday cards and pictures of pink unicorns with hearts and glitter.
And I'm totally cool with that (except I really, really want a flying car)
Today is just another ordinary day. The world did not stop for me. There were no unicorns, no rainbows, no pink puffy heart stickers. Instead there were frozen waffles, runny noses and poopy diapers.
My birthday in 2010 did not turn out as I had envisioned. There is no flying car or robot maid. Instead I drove Bunny to school in an old SUV and I am the one picking up the legos that are left out for me to step on.
There is nothing extraordinary about my day, nothing special to mark my 41 years on this earth. Instead it is just an ordinary day filled with kisses and hugs, handmade birthday cards and pictures of pink unicorns with hearts and glitter.
And I'm totally cool with that (except I really, really want a flying car)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
A New Year
Our family recently celebrated two new year celebrations. The Jewish New Year for Frink and the Ethiopian New Year in honor of Lion (this brings the total new years that our family celebrates to four, well five if you count the school year). I like the idea of having a new year in the middle of the year. It's a time to look back. It's a time to cherish what you have and also a time to start fresh.
This year (or half year) has been filled with so much beauty. Moments that I want to savor like a summer peach, so ripe that the juices drip down your chin. Laughter. Smiles. Hugs. Kisses. Holding a sleeping child in my arms. Watching my daughter run and play with her friends on the playground before school. Beautiful, perfect moments I want to keep forever.
The challenges have been difficult.
"He bit me!" " I don't want a brother." "You ruined my life when you brought him here!!!"
The times in the beginning when he could not bear to be apart from me. The hitting. The biting. The inability to communicate with my son.
The new math of one to two, three to four was difficult to learn. There were times when thought I would break, sobbing in the darkness wondering what I had done.
I needed an escape, an oasis in the desert. I found what appeared to be a crystal clear pond that I could soak my bones in at the end of a long day. Night after night I jumped in the inviting waters but I did not find peace. Instead I found that I could not swin. So instead of relief, I struggled.
One night I climbed out of the pond for the last time. When I had wiped the water from my eyes, I saw a path through the woods. I did not know where the path led, I only saw its beauty, its potential. I saw smiling faces welcoming me. I saw hands reaching out to help me. This is not a path I would have to walk alone.
So I enter this new year full of hope for the beauty that is to come. And if there are unexpected twists and turns, I know I only have to wait four months for the next new year.
This year (or half year) has been filled with so much beauty. Moments that I want to savor like a summer peach, so ripe that the juices drip down your chin. Laughter. Smiles. Hugs. Kisses. Holding a sleeping child in my arms. Watching my daughter run and play with her friends on the playground before school. Beautiful, perfect moments I want to keep forever.
The challenges have been difficult.
"He bit me!" " I don't want a brother." "You ruined my life when you brought him here!!!"
The times in the beginning when he could not bear to be apart from me. The hitting. The biting. The inability to communicate with my son.
The new math of one to two, three to four was difficult to learn. There were times when thought I would break, sobbing in the darkness wondering what I had done.
I needed an escape, an oasis in the desert. I found what appeared to be a crystal clear pond that I could soak my bones in at the end of a long day. Night after night I jumped in the inviting waters but I did not find peace. Instead I found that I could not swin. So instead of relief, I struggled.
One night I climbed out of the pond for the last time. When I had wiped the water from my eyes, I saw a path through the woods. I did not know where the path led, I only saw its beauty, its potential. I saw smiling faces welcoming me. I saw hands reaching out to help me. This is not a path I would have to walk alone.
So I enter this new year full of hope for the beauty that is to come. And if there are unexpected twists and turns, I know I only have to wait four months for the next new year.
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