This morning I woke up and I was sure we were going to get good news. I was sure that our agency was going to tell us we had been placed in the April travel group. I was sure we would see Lion soon.
The sun was shining. The air was warm with that early spring feel. This was going to be a good day, I just knew it.
I had toyed with the idea of going to the gym to work out. When I felt the warm air, I had other ideas. I knew this would be the perfect opportunity to go to the zoo. Perfect to spend time with my Bunny, to remember what it was like when it was just the two of us. When she was my only and I was hers alone.
As I got ready to go to the zoo for our adventure, I put on my watch, earrings and wedding ring just as I do every morning. I also grabbed a small stone from my night stand. It is round and smooth. It has the names of my children Bunny and Lion written on in. I placed the stone in my pocket as I do every morning. The stone is small enough that I don't notice it. But occasionally I will feel its weight, I will touch it when I place my hand in my pocket. The weight, the touch remind me that everything I do is for my children. It reminds me to move forward, to do what is best, to love, to laugh even when I don't want to.
Along with my stone, I took a small elastic band and placed it on my wrist. It has a silver bar with the word positivity engraved on it. This band was given to me by a friend. I am supposed to snap it when I feel a negative thought. It is supposed to break the cycle of negativity and help me focus on all the good in my life.
I have always tended to dwell on the negative. I am a glass half empty kind of girl. I don't want to be, I just am. There have been times when the negativity, the darkness threatened to swallow me. The darkness was my companion, my lover. It would whisper things in my ear, terrible things I did not want to hear. "You do not deserve to be happy. This is not for you. Just give up, you would fail anyways." I would listen and I would believe.
One day, I decided I had had enough. I began to fight the darkness, the negativity. I started to win. I saw beauty where I had only seen a void before. Things were brighter. I felt things more truly. And then my friend gave me this band. She did not know where I had been, she only knew that this would help.
I carry my rock and my band with me everywhere. They remind me of what is important. They remind me to focus on the good, on the now. The good and the now, a little girl in a riot of pinks and purples running and laughing. Just her and me, together. That is what is real.
Today, this morning, I felt all of the beauty in life. I saw only potential. I saw the positive. I will carry this morning in my heart forever.
The morning was beautiful but the afternoon had other ideas. It brought my old lover to the door with a bouquet of flowers and a smile begging for forgiveness. "Please take me back" he whispered. "I am the only one who understands you. You need me. You know you do."
The afternoon brought a phone call from our agency. I was expecting a call. I was expecting good news. I was wrong. I had thought we had passed court, that we could travel soon. I found out that the staff in Ethiopia had mistakenly informed our agency that we had passed. We had not. Our case had been postponed and postponed again. It was now scheduled for the 26th.
I felt a white hot anger rising within me. I heard the woman on the phone telling me things, things I could not comprehend. The words were just noise. My lover stood nearby, whispering in my ear "come my love, I am here for you". I was ready to give in. I was tired of fighting, tired of waiting. Good things don't happen to me. Yes, I said to the darkness. I am yours.
In that moment, when all seemed lost, I felt a blast of cold, wet air on my face. It startled me back to reality. I felt it again and again. My daughter, my true love, was sitting in my lap blowing raspberries three inches from my nose and laughing. The laughter rang out bright and true. This is what was important.
I heard the woman on the phone say we are working for you. If your case passes court, we will do everything we can to get you in to the April group. We will get you to your son as soon as possible. I thanked her for all that she was doing and I hung up.
I had received terrible. devastating news but I did not cry. I could not cry in front of Bunny. It would not solve anything. I stayed strong. I focused on her, on the here and the now. We put on our coats and ran back out into the sunshine. We laughed and played.
I did not cry.
I would not cry.
(But I did develop a rather nasty looking red welt on my wrist from snapping my positivity band)