Darkness and Light

I've written several versions of this post, wondering how best to sum up this past year for me and my hopes for the new year. Most of the posts contained explanations and rehashings of the the cloud that I have been residing under for the past six months. It didn't feel right. I didn't want to focus on what has kept me from being creative and has, at times, kept me from even opening this blog.

This cloud has been me, a part of who I was. However, I am addressing it. I am learning how to deal with it. I am moving out from under its shadow. I will not give it anymore power.

Today was a microcosm of this past year. I decided at the last minute to have a mini New Years celebration for our family. The tree of us would ring in the New Year with a meal, desert and surprise treats. I had a lot of work to do, making a list, running to the store, dealing with crowds, and preparing everything just right.

My parents offered to take Bunny to the Domes, one of her favorite places. This gave me about an hour to make a surgical strike on the grocery shopping. I went to my favorite neighborhood market. Normally I enjoy it but today as I circled the parking lot for a spot, I could feel my chest start to tighten. As I walked the aisles, I was cut off, banged into and generally jostled with every step. I could see the dark clouds over my head and my mood darkened with it.

All I wanted was to get everything on my list and get the heck out of there. I stood at the checkout counter, ready to pay. The exit was in site. I was almost free. Just then, the woman behind me, engrossed in a conversation with her husband, rammed her cart into my side. She looked up, startled at what she had done and mumbled that she was sorry. And promptly ran over my foot. Ouch. &*@#**%@*&$##%$$$&**%#$**!

I fled to the safety of my car. I was stewing about the stupid people and the ruined morning. I realized that I forgot something on my list. Of course I forgot, that's just the way things go. Rather than returning to the store, I got the heck out of dodge. I hoped that another store would have what I needed and would be less of a hassle. It was not, but I managed to escape the store with what I needed and without bodily harm.

As I drove home in a foul mood, I passed my favorite coffee shop. Coffee! An extra large, superhuman sized latte would solve my problems. Or at least make me feel better. As I approached the door, I noticed a woman holding two large cups. She looked directly at me with a smile on her face (something I hadn't seen all morning) and said "Happy New Year!"

I nearly stopped in my tracks. What was happy about it? There was a storm raging inside of me. This happened and that happened and I need to do this and that and I've got to go there and . . . And oh my god shut the heck up Renee!

The woman was smiling, she was in a good mood (she had coffee) and in that moment her saying "Happy New Year" made it happy. The wind started blowing my cloud away, making room for some much needed sunshine. I could smile. I could say "Happy New Year". I could be happy. I could do all of this, if I wanted.

I want it, I really do.

Happy New Year. May this year bring us all more happiness.