Darkness and Light

I've written several versions of this post, wondering how best to sum up this past year for me and my hopes for the new year. Most of the posts contained explanations and rehashings of the the cloud that I have been residing under for the past six months. It didn't feel right. I didn't want to focus on what has kept me from being creative and has, at times, kept me from even opening this blog.

This cloud has been me, a part of who I was. However, I am addressing it. I am learning how to deal with it. I am moving out from under its shadow. I will not give it anymore power.

Today was a microcosm of this past year. I decided at the last minute to have a mini New Years celebration for our family. The tree of us would ring in the New Year with a meal, desert and surprise treats. I had a lot of work to do, making a list, running to the store, dealing with crowds, and preparing everything just right.

My parents offered to take Bunny to the Domes, one of her favorite places. This gave me about an hour to make a surgical strike on the grocery shopping. I went to my favorite neighborhood market. Normally I enjoy it but today as I circled the parking lot for a spot, I could feel my chest start to tighten. As I walked the aisles, I was cut off, banged into and generally jostled with every step. I could see the dark clouds over my head and my mood darkened with it.

All I wanted was to get everything on my list and get the heck out of there. I stood at the checkout counter, ready to pay. The exit was in site. I was almost free. Just then, the woman behind me, engrossed in a conversation with her husband, rammed her cart into my side. She looked up, startled at what she had done and mumbled that she was sorry. And promptly ran over my foot. Ouch. &*@#**%@*&$##%$$$&**%#$**!

I fled to the safety of my car. I was stewing about the stupid people and the ruined morning. I realized that I forgot something on my list. Of course I forgot, that's just the way things go. Rather than returning to the store, I got the heck out of dodge. I hoped that another store would have what I needed and would be less of a hassle. It was not, but I managed to escape the store with what I needed and without bodily harm.

As I drove home in a foul mood, I passed my favorite coffee shop. Coffee! An extra large, superhuman sized latte would solve my problems. Or at least make me feel better. As I approached the door, I noticed a woman holding two large cups. She looked directly at me with a smile on her face (something I hadn't seen all morning) and said "Happy New Year!"

I nearly stopped in my tracks. What was happy about it? There was a storm raging inside of me. This happened and that happened and I need to do this and that and I've got to go there and . . . And oh my god shut the heck up Renee!

The woman was smiling, she was in a good mood (she had coffee) and in that moment her saying "Happy New Year" made it happy. The wind started blowing my cloud away, making room for some much needed sunshine. I could smile. I could say "Happy New Year". I could be happy. I could do all of this, if I wanted.

I want it, I really do.

Happy New Year. May this year bring us all more happiness.

Spreading the Love

Edited to add an update at the end.

Lately its been a bit angsty here in But Why Mommy land. A sample of the things running through my head go like this:

Me, Me, Me, Whine, Whine, Whine, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, Worry, Worry, Worry, Turtle, Turtle, Turtle, Obsess, Obsess, Obsess, Me, Me, Me, Bubs, Bubs, Bubs, Me, Me, Me, Whine, Whine, Whine, Whine . . . well you get the picture.

Its gotten to the point where I can't stand myself. I hate to think what others feel about being around me.

I've been looking for a way to break out of the funk, to find a little ray of sunshine in my grey and rainy days. And then it happened. I was catching up with the blogs in my Google reader (and there are over 500 I haven't read - yes I know I could delete some but you all are so talented and funny I don't want to miss anything) and I found that little ray of sunshine in the form of Denise over at Eat Play Love. If you haven't read her, you should, she's fabulous.

Denise was spreading a little love in the blogosphere by paying it forward. I was one of the lucky winners of the pay it forward sunshine and it made my day. Heck, the rate things are going it may well make my month or year and I haven't even recieved my goodie bag (I'm sure I'll be over the moon when it comes).

So rather than sharing my doom and gloom (at least for today), I'm going to share this sunshine with you, my beloved readers. The way it works is the first three commenters on my blog today will receive a little goodie bag (a little present if you will) from me filled with some goodies from Milwaukee and maybe some craftiness too. If you are one of the lucky winners, you get to spread some of the sunshine and love to your readers. And so on, and so on, and so on. Even if you don't win you can still share the love on your own.



(Also don't forget to include your e-mail address or make sure I can contact you through your blog.)

UPDATE - Sometimes when you share the love good things happen. We just got the approval to use our home study agency from our first adoption. This is the best news that we could have gotten and we are now moving ahead full steam. Thank you universe.