Looking For Signs

I am one of those people who read into every situation. I'm always trying to find out the hidden meaning in things.

If this happened then it must mean that X will happen or Y will not happen.

It like I am looking for fate to determine my path in life.

I do this all the time. When I'm getting dressed, if the blue sweater falls out of my closet, then I'm going to wear the blue sweater.

I did it with my career. I quit one job with out another lined up and then received a phone call out of the blue from a friend hiring me for a job. That must be fate, I must be destined to work there. Then, I post on a message board that I want to quit another job and BAM! myself and my entire office staff are let go. (I mentioned this in a long rambling e-mail to Kate when she wanted to talk career. I think she meant her career and she may now think I'm totally crazy, but whatever.)

But what about other areas of life? If something happens, does it mean that I should go with it? Or should I stick with my original path even if there is a twist, turn or detour on that path?

I was faced with one of those possible signs recently. We had decided to move forward with Turtle's adoption after postponing it for a while. I had joined a local group of parents who had or who are adopting from Ethiopia. I started reading books on Ethiopia to learn more about the issues facing the country and the children. After reading There Is No Me Without You , I was convinced that we were doing the right thing. In fact, I wanted to adopt 10 kids right away (okay maybe not 10 but more than one).

So I got out our list of things to do and started making headway on it. Then I called our social worker to schedule our homestudy visits. There was no response to my first e-mail so I sent another. There was no response to that one either. I thought it could be possible that she was on vacation so I called to leave a message.

She answered the phone and told me the reason she had not contacted me is because her agency was no longer processing international adoptions. I asked when that came in to effect, she said the first of the year. Interesting. I had been in contact with her at the end of November telling her we were going to put off the meeting until after the new year. She said nothing at that time. At no point up until I contacted her in February did she make any effort to tell me that they were not going to be working with us. She said her director would call me to discuss this further (yeah he hasn't called - big surprise).

Of course this happened on a Friday afternoon and I was left with no real opportunity to come up with any alternatives until Monday. So I stewed all weekend long. I did what I always do. I wondered if this was a sign. Did this mean that we shouldn't pursue the adoption? Did this mean that we should look into other options? Was someone trying to tell me something? And if so what the hell were they trying to say?

Our international agency contracts with local agencies for the homestudy process. They have another agency we can work with and I have heard good things about them (although I had heard great things about the one that screwed us). But I contacted the international agency to see if we could use our social worker from our first adoption because we know her and trust her. They haven't made any determination yet.

So here I sit, totally frustrated. We can go with the new homestudy agency and move forwar with our current international agency. Or we can find a new international agency and move forward with our old social worker. Or maybe, just maybe, the universe is trying to tell me to do something different.