A Grim Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a young couple. They were newly married and eager to start their life together. They wanted to buy a house so that they would have room for the family they wanted to start.

They searched high and low throughout the villages of Milwaukee and Wauwatosa. They looked at many houses but they could not find the right one. This one was too small. That one was too big. This one was in bad shape. That one was too expensive.

No house was just right.

They were very discouraged but they kept looking, knowing that they would find the house that was just right for them.

Finally they found it. It had the right number of bedrooms and bathrooms. It had a finished basement. It was the perfect house and there was much rejoicing.

However, the house was not perfect. It was an old house. It was a cranky house. The house was under a spell that masked its imperfections.

Once the couple moved into their dream house, the spell was broken and the imperfections were revealed. First the furnace broke in the middle of winter. Then the water heater died. The roof leaked. The electrical system needed updating.

The couple was discouraged but they persisted. This was their house and they would fix the problems. And they did. All was right with the house and there was much rejoicing.

Then the upstairs shower started leaking and could not be used. The couple had expanded their family to include a little girl. They needed to have two working bathrooms so they made plans to re-do the bathroom. And it was good.

The house, on the other hand, did not care much for the couple's plans. In fact, the house had nefarious plans of its own. It allowed water to leak into the basement, right into the area where the little girl liked to play.

The couple was sad, they could no longer use their finished basement. The house laughed at their sadness. Chaos ruled their lives for a while. The repairs took forever. First, leak was repaired. Then the walls were fixed. But it was still not done.

The couple was worried. Their family was expanding. A little boy would be joining the family very soon. They knew they had much work to do to make the house ready for him.

The basement problems were tackled once again. The ceiling tiles were replaced. The floor was torn up and redone. The couple could see the light at the end of the tunnel. They could envision their children playing in the newly remodeled basement. They were happy. There would be much rejoicing . . .

Then the furnace broke again and the couple was sad.

The house laughed at their sadness. The house mocked their hope. It shook its fist at their plans and cackled "I will never be done. I will never be fixed. You will spend your entire lives trying but just when the end is near, I will break something else. I am the CrapShack and those that live within my walls are destined to be sad."

To be continued . . .

Stuck

I've had this song stuck in my head for days.

I am sure you can all sympathize. It happens to everyone. And its always an annoying or slightly annoying song. If it were a cool song you wouldn't mind one bit, you'd just sing along. A cool song would be like having your own personal soundtrack.

An annoying song is different. You don't want it in your head. Its there and its threatening to stay. Forever. And it just might drive you crazy in the mean time.

Now the annoying song can be anything. It could be a catchy pop song from an artist you hate or from an artist you are not willing to admit to liking to anyone (not even your diary). It could be a jingle for a local bank, restaurant or the like. It could be a theme song for a television show you hate or are not willing to admit to liking to anyone (not even your diary).

In my case, it is a song from a children's cartoon. These songs are the worst to have stuck in your head. They are designed to be catchy. They are designed to be easy to remember. They are designed to be annoying because they are aimed at toddlers and pre-schoolers.

You can't fight that. The writers of these songs have research on how to make them memorable to children (and adults). Think about it, I'm sure you can remember the words to songs from shows you watched as a child that aren't even on the air anymore. These songs stick like glue.

The worst offender, in my book is Word World. Now I love Word World. Its helping Bunny learn her letters, the sounds they make and it is helping her to learn to read. So its a great show. A great show with annoying music, starting with the theme song and moving on to so many other annoying songs.

We've all heard the advice, to get a song out of your head you just sing it out loud. In theory this releases the song to the universe (or to the person sitting next to you) and frees your head. I follow this advice diligently. You can often find me breaking out in:

"You can never have too many OOs. Doodlely oo, doodlely oo, doodlely oo."

It should work. It should free my mind from this song. It should but it doesn't because Bunny thinks its hilarious that I am singing this song.

"Sing it again momma! Sing it again."
No, I will not sing that infernal song again.
"Please, momma."
Oh all right. "You can never have too many OOs. Doodlely oo, doodlely oo, doodlely oo."

And now its stuck again. It also doesn't help that Bunny requests to watch this episode over and over again, thereby insuring permanent residence in my brain.

Thanks, sweetie.

Who Taught You How To Drive?

Bunny is bossy.

Bunny is opinionated.

Bunny is a back seat driver.

When she was little, I would narrate everything I did, especially while driving. "Mommy is stopping at the stop sign. We always stop at the stop sign."

As she got older and started to go on walks to the park and around the neighborhood, we explained the rules of the road. Stop signs mean stop. Red lights mean stop. When the light turns green the cars can go. And so on.

Bunny thought it was pretty cool. She loved to point out the stop signs in the neighborhood. She loved watching the lights turn colors, from green to yellow to red and back to green.

But then, as children are often wont to do, she flipped it all around on me. Now when we get in the car, I have to follow the rules of the road closely or she's on me like a hawk.

"Momma, you have to stop at the stop sign."

"Momma, the light is red, stop now."

"Momma, the light is green, why aren't you driving."

"Momma, you are going to fast."

"Momma, you are going to slow."

"Momma, are you sure this is the way to Ama's house. This doesn't look like the way. Are we lost?"

"Momma, are you sure you don't want me to drive? I think I can drive better than you."

Okay maybe she didn't say the last one, but it sure feels like it. And only 12 more years before I can nag her about the way she drives.

Indecision

It appears that no one in this house is capable of making a decision, especially when it comes to food.

For years Bubs and I have have suffered through the inability to decide what we want for dinner or where we want to go eat it. If you peaked in on us on any given Saturday night throughout the history of our relationship you would have seen this:

"Where do you want to go for dinner?"
"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know. Are you in the mood for any particular kind of food?"
"No not really. I'm just hungry. Do you want anything in particular?"
"No."
"Hmmm."
"Let's go to La Fuente."
"Ok, that's where I really wanted to go anyway."
"I know Renee, you always want to go there."
"True, but if you wanted to go somewhere else I would have gone there."
"Yeah but I couldn't think of anything else."

It seems that the inability to make decisions when it comes to food is contagious. Bunny and I have the following conversation at least once a day:

"Momma, I'm hungry."
"What would you like sweetie?"
"I don't know, I'm hungry."
"I can't give you anything if you don't tell me what you want."
"I want something."
"Do you want a banana?"
"No! I want something."
"Do you want a granola bar?"
"NO! I'm hungry!" She is now growing more frustrated with my inability to read her mind and figure out just what it is she is hungry for.
"Do you want an apple?"
"NO!!!"
Now I am growing frustrated but I am beginning to figure out what she wants, "You can't have any gummi worms right now. Its only 10 am."
"Can I have a popsicle?"
"No sweetie, those are for after dinner."
"BUT I'M HUNGRY!!!!"
At this point I go in the kitchen and get some grapes or whatever fruit I have on hand and give it to the Royal Princess I Can't Figure Out What I Want To Eat.
"Thanks, momma. That is just what I wanted."
"I know sweetie."

And don't even get me started on the what do you want to have for lunch conversation. That can last 15 minutes at least.

So the moral of this story is, if you ever invite the But Why Mommy family over for dinner, please, please don't ask us what we want to eat. Just pick something and I'm sure it will be just fine.

We Were Going To Go To Vegas

but decided to give all of our money to our mechanic instead.

A few weeks ago my Check Engine light came on. I wasn't too worried, it had happened before with another car. They said it was a computer thing and it didn't cost much to fix. So I waited a while before taking my car into the shop.

But then I realized the other car was new and had been under warranty. This car is older and not under warranty. Hmm, would that make a difference?

The answer was yes. Apparently, some parts of my engine (you know the thing that makes the car go) had broken (or melted or something). That didn't sound too good. And the parts were kind of expensive. Yikes.

And my car needed new tires. I was going to wait but I figured as long as it was there I might as well get them replaced. And apparently that costs money too. Double yikes.

(Now I should point out that our mechanic is honest. My family has been going to this shop for years. In fact some of the guys from the shop were at my wedding. So they take very good care of us.)

While my car was in the shop overnight, my husband was backing out of the driveway and broke the right side mirror on his car. I'm going to get this out there, my husband sucks at backing out of the driveway. We have tire marks well beyond the edges of the driveway. In fact he has driven over the neighbor's downspout on more than one occasion. Its just not good. I know this, he knows this. Although I'm pretty sure the neighbor thinks its me.

So he was pulling out of the driveway, checking his mirrors to make sure he wasn't on the neighbor's lawn, when he hit one of those mirrors on the gate. The gate that has been next to our driveway for all of the 11 years we've lived at the house. The gate that is not directly adjacent to the driveway but a few feet off of it. That gate.

So now we got to pick up my car from the shop, pay the ridiculous bill and drop his car off. Lucky for him, he didn't damage the mirror or the car that much so we weren't looking at body work. But still, it wasn't cheap.

So instead of taking a vacation, we fixed our cars. That just stinks.

Can We Go Now? Not Yet. How About Now?

I have learned recently that you never, under any circumstances, tell a three year old about any plans you may have. Because unless the plans are for right now, you will never, ever, ever, hear the end of it.

I made the mistake of telling Bunny that we were going out of town to stay at a hotel. I told her a full month and a half before we were actually going. Now its all she talks about.

"Can we go swimming at the hotel, momma?" Yes, you can swim at the hotel.

"When are we going to the hotel, momma?" At the end of April. "Is that now, momma?" No sweetie, not for a while. "How long is a while." 16 more days. "Is 16 a long time?" Yes it is.

We've tried marking the days off on the calendar to no avail. She is fixated on the hotel and wants to go right now. "Can we go now, momma." No sweetie, not now. "How about now, momma." No. "Now?" No! "Right now, mommma?" NO! "Now?" Momma then goes in the bathroom, shuts the door and curses herself for ever bringing this up. All the while hearing "Now?" "I wanna go to the hotel momma. Right now." "Why is the door closed, momma? Are you packing for the hotel, momma?

And I only have 16 days left of this nonesense.

And by the way we are going to another hotel next month, but its going to be a surprise. I don't think she'll even know until we are in the car on our way there. That is a much better idea.

Computer Trouble - Help

So my eyboard has decded to drop some letters. They just don't wor anymore.

These are the ones we have:

abcdefghjlmnopqrstuvwxyz

Do you now how many tmes you use the mssng letters? Alot.

'm pretty sure ths wll not fx tself. Can you just buy a eyboard to hoo up to a laptop to fx the problem?

So now there are two computers on the frtz. So broe down and made an appontment to fx the other computer so at least one wll wor. But 'm not sure how long that wll tae.

f there are no posts for a whle ths s why. No e-mals for a whle ether sorry. Because typng le ths s embarrassng.

Edited to add New keyboard installed and working. We have I and K again and I am so happy. I still want to get the Mac fixed and maybe replace this one too. But at least we are working again!

Just Shoot Me Right Now

If I ever invite you to a party at my house, please suggest that you hold the party at your house or better yet a bar.

If I tell you not to bring anything, please for the love of all that is good and holy bring lots of wine and preferrably an IV so the wine can go directly into my blood stream.

If I suggest that you bring your children to the party, please hire a babysitter and then come to my house and take my child to your home with the babysitter.

Today we had Bunny's 3rd birthday party and holy shit it was a nightmare, for me. Everyone else had a lovely time. Me, not so much.

The party fell on a weekend right after my husband was out of town for work. Even though he was only gone for one night, it seemed like days. I decided to do all the heavy cleaning on Thursday night after Greys. I moved furniture, I washed the floor, I cleaned all the cobwebs. Heck I even cleaned the heating vents. I cleaned like a crazy person until 12:30 am. And there are two things you should know about me: 1. I hate to clean and 2. I need to be in bed by 10 in order to function.

Then Friday morning I cleaned some more. I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom floor. What!? Who the heck am I?! (Luckily for me Bubs came home in time to clean the kitchen. Thank goodness.)

And then I got the bright idea that I would make Bunny's cake from scratch. All of a sudden I've turned into Martha Freaking Stewart with all this happy homemaking stuff. Now don't get me wrong the cake was the best darn tootin' cake I have ever tasted. I mean seriously it was awesome.

But I made it too late in the day. It didn't have time to fully cool before I had to frost it. So the cake fell apart. I had to spackle the darn thing together with the most awesome frosting ever. Seriously it rocked. So the cake was all crumbly and wonky. I was afraid it would fall apart when we put the little horses on it.

Horses you say? Why would you put horses on a dinosaur obessed girl's cake? Because that is what she wanted. She did not want dinos on her cake. She wanted horses because now apparently they are her most favoritest animal ever.

So the party rolls around and the family arrives. Oh man I have never wished that my basement was fixed more that that moment. We had 7 adults and 4 kids (a 7 yr old, 2 3 yr olds and a 1 yr old) in our living room and dining room. It was mass chaos. I thought to myself, I want to have another kid? Why?!

All the toys were brought out. Even the ones that Bunny never, ever plays with. Towers were built with the cardboard blocks and then promplty knocked over. My nerves were shot, I was exhausted. They were screaming and running and jumping and . . . And I seriously contemplated going up to my bedroom with my wine and my cake and locking the door.

And then the boy cat noticed the balloons. He loves balloons because they are attached to ribbon. Which he loves to eat. So we spent the entire party chasing him out of the room and closing the door. But with that many people, you can't keep the door closed. So he got in and sure enough he ate some damn ribbon.

Do you know what happens when cats eat ribbon or string? They poop it out. Only sometimes it doesn't come all the way out and you have to remove it. By hand (preferrably while wearing gloves). But the cats don't like it when you try remove it so they run away with the ribbon hanging out of their butt. (Now some of you are wondering why I own this stupid ribbon eating, puking and peeing cat and right now I don't really have an answer for you).

So now the party is over. Bunny is on her way to bed. I am about to pour a glass of wine and head to bed myself. And I vow with the internets as my witness never to have another party at my house again (until the next time).

The Gift That Just Keeps on Giving

Warning this post contains references to bodily functions, both mine and those of a certain feline whose exploits have been referenced here before. If you would rather not read about them, I understand. Please come back tomorrow when I will regale you with stories about the cutest, smartest toddler ever. I promise.

I suffer from IBS. Most of the time I don't have any issues. However, the condition tends to be aggrivated by hormones so there is one day every month on which it hits.

Let me tell you this is a lovely day to be me. The cramps, the moodiness, the cramps, the "issues", the cramps. So fun. Today is one of those days. So if you see me in person today I am likely to bite your head off. I apologize.

When I awoke to cries of "Mommy I have to go potty" I knew that today was the day. I could feel the cramps kicking in full force. I was not happy. I wanted to stay tucked into my warm bed with the covers over my head and wait until the bad stuff had passed. But you can't ignore the cries so I got out of bed. Luckily it was a false alarm (thanks in part to an earlier call at 4:30). I asked if she wanted to come in my bed and she said she'd rather stay in hers.

Great, I have a few more minutes in bed to curl in the fetal position and try to rock away the pain. As I was reaching for the bottle of Advil, I hear "what you doin' momma? Can I have some?" Um, no this huge bottle is just for mommy and when you get older you'll understand why.

So no rest for me. I got up and stumbled downstairs where I handed off Bunny to Bubs. I told him I needed to take care of a few things and he should occupy her. As I headed in to the bathroom, I heard her singing the Wonder Pets theme song and knew she wouldn't bother me. Privacy, glorious privacy.

Or so I thought. The door was soon opened by Tabasco. At first I thought he just wanted some attention and for me to turn the water in the sink on. As I reached down to pet him I saw that he was in the midst of a butt waggle. For those of you who don't know, the butt waggle is the tell tale sign that a cat is about to spray. And Sir Pees-a-Lot had aimed the spray directly at me on my throne. (Now I love this cat unconditionally despite the peeing and the puking but if you pee on me then we have a problem.)

What happened next was like a movie where the hero sees someone about to shoot and it goes all slo-motion. He screams "Noooooo" and jumps in front of the gun to take the bullet for the victim.

I couldn't move. Really, I couldn't move because I wasn't finished. I screamed "Nooooo" and did the heroic thing. I stuck my hand down there in an attempt to block it. I pushed his butt down and redirected the spray to the tile floor instead of my leg. Crisis averted.

When he was finished there was a rather large puddle of pee right next to the toilet just waiting for me to go all Anti-Icky Poo on it. All before 7:30 a.m.

Say My Name, Say My Name

There was a moment this morning, just a 10 minute window, in which Bunny and I said the other's name 1,000 times. Maybe it was more, maybe it was less but the names were said a whole lot.

Now any parent can relate to this. Your child will call out for you for a multitude of reasons. Mommy (where are you) Mommy (I'm hungry / thirsty), Mommy (I want something), Mommy (I can't find my toy/shoes/book/anything even though it is right in front of me or right were I put it), Mommy (I need you), Mommy (I need help), Mommy (I want to annoy you). The best is Mommy (I love you).

Because you are their parent, your child expects you to drop whatever you are doing and answer their call. The world revolves around them. If you do not answer right away Mommy becomes MOMMY, becomes MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, becomes MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYY.

Now there is the flipside to this. As a parent you utter your child's name repeatedly through out the day. Bunny (where are you), Bunny (come eat/drink) Bunny (you need to do something), Bunny (come pick up your toy/shoes/book/anything I'm getting sick of stepping on them), Bunny (don't do that), Bunny (stop what you are doing immediately), Bunny (time for a time out), Bunny (listen to me, for the 100th time, listen to me). And yes the occasional Bunny (I love you).

And because you are their parent, your child ignores your call. The world revolves around them and frankly they have better things to do than listen to you. If they do not listen right away Bunny becomes BUNNY, becomes BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY, becomes BUNNY MIDDLE NAME, becomes BUNNY MIDDLE NAME LAST NAME.

Its no wonder children learn their names so early.

Anti-Icky Poo

Yesterday afternoon I thought today's blog post would be about my adventures as Gulliver in the land of Lilliput. You see I was felled by about 3700 plastic dinos who then proceeded to climb all over me for the better part of an hour. It was awesome.

But then I discovered that the cat had peed on the sofa again. And not just on the bottom part but all along the top of the sofa where you rest your head. Don't ask how I found out, I just did and it wasn't pretty. So now I have a pee ridden sofa. Part of me is pissed off yet another part is glad because I hate that ugly sofa. But all things being equal we can't afford another sofa so we have to clean it.

We busted out the Anti-Icky Poo we purchased from the Vet. They swear by it and I assume they have lots of cats peeing everywhere. It smells better than the other stuff and seems to be working. So we'll see if it happens again. I don't want to have to change the cat's name from Tabasco Kitty Pants to Sir Pees-A-Lot.

Right after we had sprayed the couch with the Anti-Icky Poo (and yes I'll probably type that a few more times because its fun to say), the power went out. It was kind of a stormy warm night so I wasn't surprised. But Bunny had just gone down in her crib when the power flashed a few times and went out. She was totally freaked out. Bubs went in to calm her down, while I looked for alternative lighting sources.

This is where I'm lucky my friend Beth sells Partylite and I buy way more candles then I need. I was able to put candles in all the rooms that needed them, so thanks Beth. But I discovered that none of our flashlights work. I had to go to the store for more or else we would have been carrying candles around like old timey folk.

When I went to the store I was again reminded that we are not on the same power grid as our neighbors across the street. They, of course, had full power. Their lights were on. Their fans and air conditioners worked. Their big screen TVs taunting me as I looked at their houses. I hated them.

Bubs and I had to sit by candlelight. We thought we were going to have to read or God forbid talk to eachother when I remembered we had a portable DVD player. We were saved. I popped in Raiders of the Lost Ark* and we marvled at the general bad-assedness of Harrison Ford until the lights went on two hours later.

So that is why I am not waxing rhapsodic about my capture by the dinos.

*I have not seen the 4th Indiana Jones movie. I love me some Indiana Jones and I want my image of him ruined by a crappy movie. If you think its worth seeing, let me know.

Like Clockwork

Bunny spent the night at my parents last night. Bubs and I went down to Summerfest where I caught one of my favorite bands. We did it up right and got home very late, which for us usually means 11 but was actually 1 am.

So what happens when I stay out late but don't have to worry about a child waking me up early? I wake myself up early. I woke up at 6:30 am. All on my own. That is just not right.

But I managed to fall back asleep and wake up at 8, which isn't much better but I'll take it.

Summertime and the Living Is Easy

It is officially summertime here in Sconnie. 80 degrees, 80% humidity and random thunderstorms. Check, check and check.

Yesterday Bunny and I decided to lounge by the pool in the afternoon. She and her dinos went for a dip while I relaxed in the shade of an apple tree. It was beautiful. I lounged on the deck in my chair, drank fresh squeezed lemondade, caught up on my reading and occasionally dipped a toe in the pool.

Or at least that's how it went in my head. In reality I dragged her little blue plastic pool out into the back yard and filled it with water from the hose. I then grabbed a blanket,threw it on the grass and plunked down. There was no fresh squeezed lemonade, only tap water. Bunny did have fun with her dinos but there was the occasional freak out of "Mommy I don't like flies". While I repeatedly coated myself and her with mosquito repellant. Only it didn't repel the mosquitos, they actually seemed to like it. I finally resorted to squirting the mosquitos with the bug spray if only to annoy them in a futile attempt to keep them away from us.

Last night I lay in bed counting my bites. I had 10 on my right leg and about 4 on my left. And I realized the solution to our problem, move. But since a move doesn't seem to be on the horizon, we'll put the pool on the driveway next time surrounded by 1 million citronella candles.

Bummerfest

Last night I was on the computer while Bubs was giving Bunny a bath. I hear Bubs yelling to me from the other room. Now we've discussed my annoyance with this habit but I gave him a pass because Bunny was in the bath. That was until I heard what he had to say.

You see he called me in to tell me that he and his friend Martin were going to see Rush at Summerfest on Friday. Okay now I'm pissed off. He told me, he didn't ask if he could go (Mr. I've played golf the past two Fridays). He didn't sit down over dinner or after Bunny went to bed to tell me. No,he summoned me into another room to tell me. Could he have told me in a more annoying way? I don't think so.

Now I don't like Rush. I never have, I never will (ok I like Tom Sawyer but that's it). I just don't "get it". So I'm glad he has a friend that will go to the concert with him because I wouldn't (I have actually seen them in concert but it was college so my memory is a bit hazy).

But I do like Summerfest. What's not to like? Beer, music on 5 different stages, beer, food, beer and people watching (oh man the people watching is great, especially while drinking beer). And I want to go, just not to see Rush. Now there are 10 other nights we could go (if we arrange babysitting) but that's not really the point is it? No its not.

So there it is. I'm jealous and a bit pissed off. I'm plotting some revenge. What would you do?