Grown Up

I am a grown up. I know that. The age I will be next week confirms it. But I don't feel like it. I feel like a kid, a stupid kid some days.

But I act like a grown up most of the time. I am responsible. I take care of small people. I feed them and clothe them. I clean up after them. I get things done.

It's rare that my actions mirror the way I feel about myself. I don't
let go. I'm not silly and stupid. I'm not always fun. Well I am with the kids but not with myself.

It's sad really because I miss silly and stupid. I miss fun. I miss being a kid.

This past weekend I had the chance to be silly and stupid and fun. I spent the weekend with some girlfriends from law school. There were no small people in sight (or at least none that we had to take care of). It was just us reliving the glory days of no responsibilities.

I acted like a kid all weekend long. I laughed. I sang. I danced. I told dirty jokes. I played. I remembered that carefree joy I once possessed.

I want to be that girl, that kid, all the time. I don't want the weight of responsibilities, of what I should do, to wear me down. I don't want to be cranky because "do I really have to repeat myself again? Just listen to me the first or second time and we won't have this problem. No! Put that down. Don't touch that. Don't hit your brother. Don't bite your sister. Just stop it right now!"

There has to be a way to do both, to be fun and happy and to be responsible. Doesn't there?

A Happier Place

We here on the western shores of Lake Michigan are bracing for a bone rattling blizzard tonight. You know it's going to be bad when they cancel school for tomorrow before noon today. Well at least some schools are going to be closed, so far ours is open.

But I really don't want to think about snow. I'd rather think about warmer weather, sunshine, the beach anything but snow. In order to take myself to a happier place, I am going to post some photos I took at the Domes over the weekend (if you are not from Milwaukee, the Domes are our botanical gardens housed in three separate domes).










I feel warmer and happier already (which is ironic because I always cry when we visit the Domes).

Happy in the New Year

Because that is what its all about.

Darkness and Light

I've written several versions of this post, wondering how best to sum up this past year for me and my hopes for the new year. Most of the posts contained explanations and rehashings of the the cloud that I have been residing under for the past six months. It didn't feel right. I didn't want to focus on what has kept me from being creative and has, at times, kept me from even opening this blog.

This cloud has been me, a part of who I was. However, I am addressing it. I am learning how to deal with it. I am moving out from under its shadow. I will not give it anymore power.

Today was a microcosm of this past year. I decided at the last minute to have a mini New Years celebration for our family. The tree of us would ring in the New Year with a meal, desert and surprise treats. I had a lot of work to do, making a list, running to the store, dealing with crowds, and preparing everything just right.

My parents offered to take Bunny to the Domes, one of her favorite places. This gave me about an hour to make a surgical strike on the grocery shopping. I went to my favorite neighborhood market. Normally I enjoy it but today as I circled the parking lot for a spot, I could feel my chest start to tighten. As I walked the aisles, I was cut off, banged into and generally jostled with every step. I could see the dark clouds over my head and my mood darkened with it.

All I wanted was to get everything on my list and get the heck out of there. I stood at the checkout counter, ready to pay. The exit was in site. I was almost free. Just then, the woman behind me, engrossed in a conversation with her husband, rammed her cart into my side. She looked up, startled at what she had done and mumbled that she was sorry. And promptly ran over my foot. Ouch. &*@#**%@*&$##%$$$&**%#$**!

I fled to the safety of my car. I was stewing about the stupid people and the ruined morning. I realized that I forgot something on my list. Of course I forgot, that's just the way things go. Rather than returning to the store, I got the heck out of dodge. I hoped that another store would have what I needed and would be less of a hassle. It was not, but I managed to escape the store with what I needed and without bodily harm.

As I drove home in a foul mood, I passed my favorite coffee shop. Coffee! An extra large, superhuman sized latte would solve my problems. Or at least make me feel better. As I approached the door, I noticed a woman holding two large cups. She looked directly at me with a smile on her face (something I hadn't seen all morning) and said "Happy New Year!"

I nearly stopped in my tracks. What was happy about it? There was a storm raging inside of me. This happened and that happened and I need to do this and that and I've got to go there and . . . And oh my god shut the heck up Renee!

The woman was smiling, she was in a good mood (she had coffee) and in that moment her saying "Happy New Year" made it happy. The wind started blowing my cloud away, making room for some much needed sunshine. I could smile. I could say "Happy New Year". I could be happy. I could do all of this, if I wanted.

I want it, I really do.

Happy New Year. May this year bring us all more happiness.

The Ship of Friends

There are many different kinds of people on this ship. Some are those you just wave and smile at when you see them. There are some you stop and chat with. Still others you call when you want to have coffee or go to the movies. There are those you call when you need a friendly ear or a shoulder to cry on.

And if you are lucky, really lucky, you will find a true friend on this ship. You will find someone who is willing to ignore all of your crazy issues, the fact that you never call or that you forget birthdays. They will embrace you when you are down, laugh when you are happy, and give you a kick in the ass when you need it. They will drag you kicking and screaming to the park for a run because they know you are training for a triathalon, even when they know you'd rather sit and have a beer.

They will throw parties and invite a cute boy, a boy who would later become your husband. You will return the favor by getting married and having her stand up with you, dressed in a purple dress. Okay maybe the dress isn't the good part. Maybe the favor is returned when your cute boy asks his cute friend to be his best man, a cute friend who would later become her friend.

You will return the favor when on one drunken evening you will ask why they haven't kissed. You will demand to know why they are not together when they are so perfect for each other. You will give her a kick in the ass when she needs it.

You will fly to Mexico with your boy to watch her marry her boy. You will be filled with happiness because your best friend married your husband's best friend. You will be forever linked because you had a hand (or a kick) in each other's happiness.

You will adopt a beautiful girl right after she gives birth to a beautiful girl. You cannot believe the luck, two girls so close in age. It was meant to be. Your girls were destined to be friends.

Despite the geographical distance between you, you will remain close. You will fly with your boy and your daughter to visit her and her boy and her daughter (well daughters, you can't be equal in all things). They will let you stay in their apartment, sharing their lives with you. Your boys will play video games. Your daughters will play with dinosaurs (one who loves them, one who cooks them) and read books. You will run and shop and chat.

If you can find this, you will be so lucky.

Hallelujah Part 2

The work on the basement is done! Hallelujah!

Well before I get ahead of myself, the drywall work is done. But that is the first step in reclaiming our basement.

It took a little over two weeks to go from bare stone and studs, to this:




And finally to this:



Now we have to put down new flooring, re-do the bookcases, re-do the bar, paint the walls, move the furniture, move all the toys and tv from the living room and then we'll be back in business. Which should take about another 2(or 6) months.

I Love You More Than Dinosaurs

Happy Valentines Day!

Hallelujah!

I didn't want to jinx it. I was afraid if I said it aloud it wouldn't happen. But it did and now I can shout from the rooftops.

They have started the work on our basement!

For those of you who've been following for a while, you know I live in a stupid old CrapShack which keeps breaking down and may in fact kill me. So the fact that they have started drywalling the basement means that we may actually get back down there in 2009. Which means that my living room and dining room can go back to being used for their original purposes instead of being a complete and total disaster area.

I'm so happy I could jump for joy. You know what I think I will actually do that.

Xin Nian Kuai Le

Today is the Chinese New Year, the first day of the Year of the Ox.

Happy New Year!

Happiness

For the past few years my father has been sending me weekly letters. I love this tradition for a variety of reasons.

I love that it is a letter sent through the mail not just an e-mail. In the day where you can instantly communicate with someone half way around the world, it is so nice to recieve a letter in the mail.

I love that my dad takes the time to write even though he sees me several times during the week and could share the information with me at any time.

I love that he shares poems and articles that he thinks are important or that I would enjoy. I have been saving them for years and its nice to go back to them from time to time.

Recently he sent me an article entitled "Be Happy Anyway". The concept of the article is that the economic boom didn't bring us any real happiness so maybe there are ways to find happiness now. Since you can't buy happiness, you have to find other ways to be happy.

So I started thinking about what it is that makes me happy. Some days its hard to be happy, the weather is grey and yucky, there are bills to pay, errands to run, chores to do, cranky toddlers to attend to. But even then if you really stopped and thought about it, there are a bunch of things that could make you happy.

Here are just a few of the things I've come up with
1. Family. I'm pretty lucky to have the family I do. I love my husband and my daughter. I have a great relationship with my parents and with my in-laws.

2. Friends. Even though most of my friends don't live close by I know that they are always there and it makes me happy.

3. Making Stuff. It doesn't matter what it is, I just love to make stuff. I make jewelry, I crochet, I sew silly dino toys for Bunny. Just put something in my hands and set me loose and I'll be as happy as a clam.

4. Books. Before Bunny came into our lives, I could spend hours in a bookstore browsing. I've even read entire novels over the course of some of my visits. I love looking at all the art and photography books. I flip through cookbooks drooling at all the yummy goodness inside.

I don't get to bookstores as much as I would like but I've rediscovered the library and am loving it. We have library day every Tuesday. Bunny gets a stack of new books and I've started browsing for me too. I may not be able to find the latest or newest thing but I've discovered some real gems. And that process of hunting for treasure really makes me happy.

5. Writing. Somedays I don't know why I do it. I complain that no one is reading and I just ignore this blog. But sitting here at the computer, putting my thoughts out there for anyone to see does make me happy.

So there it is, just a few things that make me happy. What about you? What makes you happy? Feel free to post links if you'd like.

Yes We Did

Yesterday was one of those once in a lifetime moments. I wish I could bottle how I felt then and how I feel now. I am filled with hope for the future.

It was the perfect example of what I strive to teach my daughter. If you want something and you work hard, you can achieve it. It doesn't matter who you are or where you came from, here all things are possible.

Yes We Can became Yes We Did.

Pause

Three black circles appeared. This is good, I was assured One is good. Three is great.

Three black circles gave me a faint glimmer of hope.

Three black circles allowed hope to take root in my heart.

Three black circles made me believe what was previously thought impossible was in fact possible.

Three black circles began to take shape in my mind. I thought about one. Yes, one is good. Two? Two is good. What about three? Three is insane but good.

Three black circles gave me joy that sustained me.

One red stain ended it all.

One red stain gave me pause.

But It's Really Good News

So today I am bloated, cranky, and have terrible cramps. I got my period and I could not be more excited.

You see this means that most likely I do not have premature ovarian failure. I really don't care what it means for my fertility. I still have to have tests to rule out thyroid or pituitary problems. But I am not entering menopause at the ripe old age of 38!

I have never been so happy to have my period in my life.