Breakdown

We've all seen her.  She is standing alone, struggling against an angry torrent.  Tears, screams, feet stomping, tiny fists flailing.  She tries in vain to soothe, to calm, to stop but she cannot.  Once the tantrum train has left the station, it is impossible to stop.

Tantrums are frustrating to deal with in the comfort of your own home.  Tantrums in public are heartbreaking.  You dread the stares  in the grocery store.  You fear the unspoken judgements of those around you.  All you want to do is to  run away, to scoop your child up and flee to the safety of your car.  No one can see you then.

But you aren't in the saftey of your car or your home, you are in the aisle of a store.  Your cart is full with needed items, milk, laundry detergent, diapers.  If you leave without buying these items, you know you'll just have to go back.  Do you stay and check out?  Do you leave and hope to return with out the kids?  There is no right answer, no easy thing to do.  You are alone facing a furious, heartbroken child.

We've all seen her. You want to do something to help, to let her know it's okay.


We've all been her. Wishing, hoping that someone, something could help, could make it okay.

I was her yesterday.  We were in a craft store across town.  I was buying things for Bunny's Daisy Scout troop.  It was too close to lunch, too close to nap time.  We'd been there about 10 minutes too long.  I knew these things.  I knew it could be a problem.  But I had to get the supplies, the meeting was the next day.  I didn't know if I could make it back.

So I pushed on and Lion pushed back.  It started in the checkout line.  We were so close to the exit, close to the car, close to freedom.  But it was too much and he lost it.  I tried to hold him, to soothe him.  I was rewarded with kicks and a tiny bit of hair pulled from my scalp.  Putting him down resulted in a bolt for the door or tossing some impulse item on the floor.

I was lost.  I was broken.  I did not know what to do. 

And that's when it happened, the kindness of strangers helping me, soothing me.  A mother with an infant let me skip her in line. She knew it would be her time soon.  She could be me, she would be me.  The cashier who followed me out of the store with my gloves and Lion's book.  I had forgotten them in my haste to exit the store.

Their kind gestures helped so much.  For just a brief minute, I did not feel alone.  I did not feel judged.  And for that I am forever grateful.

Giving Thanks Today

This week the we made a gratitude tree. It's a place for all of us to share the things that we are grateful for.

Bunny and I painted leaves and pressed them on the tree.

Then we each took turns writing what we are thankful for on the leaves.

The tree is now hanging in our dining room as a reminder of what we are blessed to have.

We are thankful for family, friends, home, health,pets, China, Ethiopia and so much more.

Starting From Gratitude

I have so much. I know I do. But there are times when I am too blind to see it. Blinded by fear, selfishness and self pity I cannot see what a gift my life is.

A dear friend of mine started doing a gratitude list a while back. She asked if she could e-mail it to me as a way of reminding herself to complete her list daily. I was honored that she chose me and readily accepted.

She challenged me to do the same, to find 12 things each day I was grateful for. I laughed and said thanks but no thanks. Didn't she know how crazy my life was. There were days I was barely holding it together, I couldn't find the time to write a list let alone find 12 things to be grateful for. 12! That's a lot. I could find maybe 3 or 4 but not 12.

Reading her list was a revelation. There were times when I knew she was busy or had had a rough day, but she always found time to be grateful for the gifts she had been given. The more I read her lists, the more I was intrigued to start my own. I had a roof over my head, I had a beautiful family, I had my health. In short I had so much that I damn well better be grateful for it.

So I started to compile my own lists and e-mail them to my friend. They started off slow, I literally had to go through my day from morning to night to find those 12 things. But I began to find a groove, I would make notes throughout the day so I wouldn't forget something. It became a habit.

Then Sunday I woke up and I decided to start my day with gratitude. I didn't look at any situation as something to be tolerated, instead it was a gift. I found myself enjoying the day, enjoying my kids, enjoying my life. I was present in a way I had not been before and it was beautiful.

So today I am grateful for ...

and so much more.

Thank You

Today is my birthday. My 40th birthday. The big 4 - 0. And you know what? I am totally cool with that because I am seriously one of the luckiest people on earth.

So today I am going to thank all of the people who have made me feel so blessed and lucky.

First I want to thank my parents because really this day is all about them. Without them, I wouldn't be here. Without them, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. You are two of the most amazing people I have ever met, thank you for being you.

Second, I want to thank my husband. There are so many reasons why I love him but I wanted to share two with you. He helped me realize a nearly lifelong dream yesterday and thereby resolving one of the two bones of contention that we had in our marriage. Ironically both involve baseball (and to be fair there is nothing he can do about the other one so I just need to let it go).

You see I am a huge Brewers fan. I have been for all of my life. When I was a kid, I belonged to the kids club and went to a lot of games. Every year I would look at the schedule and see if there was a game on my birthday. I thought there would be nothing cooler than having your name on the scoreboard on your birthday. For whatever reason I never went to a birthday game.

Until September 28, 2000, my 31st birthday. It was also the last game at County Stadium, the old Brewers' stadium. I told Frink about my wish and asked him to call to have my name on the scoreboard. It would have been awesome to see my name on that old scoreboard on that special day. But he didn't call. And my name wasn't in lights on that day. And I kind of held a grudge for the next 9 years. I even organized a tailgate for one of his birthdays and had his name on the scoreboard.

But then we got tickets to yesterday's game. The day before my birthday. I reminded him about my childhood dream. And this time he came through, which is totally awesome.


But more importantly, he did something for me which was just amazing. Last week we had a discussion about what I wanted to do for my birthday. We didn't have anything special planned so we'd have to throw something together last minute. We decided on dinner at my favorite restaurant with some friends. When he asked who I wanted to invite, I started to cry because so many of the people I would want there were so far away.

So he e-mailed my friend Issa and told her that I was feeling down about my birthday. And together they cooked up the best present a girl could ask for. So thank you, Frink. You are truly amazing.

Now I'm going to thank Issa and my other wonderful friends for the wonderful gift they have given me. Issa organized a blog party for my birthday. She got all of these amazing bloggers who I read,admire and love, some who I know personally and some who I am waiting to meet, to send me birthday wishes from their own blogs. I was floored when I saw this. This blog and the people I have met through it have meant so much to me and to receive something like this means everything.

So thank you Issa, Mommy Geekology, Matthew, Kirsten, Bridget, Kate, Heather, Greis and Stacey for making my day all the more special.

Finally, I want to thank my beautiful girl, Bunny. She's the reason I started this little blog. She is the reason that I do everything. And she is the reason I am truly blessed.

The Ship of Friends

There are many different kinds of people on this ship. Some are those you just wave and smile at when you see them. There are some you stop and chat with. Still others you call when you want to have coffee or go to the movies. There are those you call when you need a friendly ear or a shoulder to cry on.

And if you are lucky, really lucky, you will find a true friend on this ship. You will find someone who is willing to ignore all of your crazy issues, the fact that you never call or that you forget birthdays. They will embrace you when you are down, laugh when you are happy, and give you a kick in the ass when you need it. They will drag you kicking and screaming to the park for a run because they know you are training for a triathalon, even when they know you'd rather sit and have a beer.

They will throw parties and invite a cute boy, a boy who would later become your husband. You will return the favor by getting married and having her stand up with you, dressed in a purple dress. Okay maybe the dress isn't the good part. Maybe the favor is returned when your cute boy asks his cute friend to be his best man, a cute friend who would later become her friend.

You will return the favor when on one drunken evening you will ask why they haven't kissed. You will demand to know why they are not together when they are so perfect for each other. You will give her a kick in the ass when she needs it.

You will fly to Mexico with your boy to watch her marry her boy. You will be filled with happiness because your best friend married your husband's best friend. You will be forever linked because you had a hand (or a kick) in each other's happiness.

You will adopt a beautiful girl right after she gives birth to a beautiful girl. You cannot believe the luck, two girls so close in age. It was meant to be. Your girls were destined to be friends.

Despite the geographical distance between you, you will remain close. You will fly with your boy and your daughter to visit her and her boy and her daughter (well daughters, you can't be equal in all things). They will let you stay in their apartment, sharing their lives with you. Your boys will play video games. Your daughters will play with dinosaurs (one who loves them, one who cooks them) and read books. You will run and shop and chat.

If you can find this, you will be so lucky.

Thankful

But It's Really Good News

So today I am bloated, cranky, and have terrible cramps. I got my period and I could not be more excited.

You see this means that most likely I do not have premature ovarian failure. I really don't care what it means for my fertility. I still have to have tests to rule out thyroid or pituitary problems. But I am not entering menopause at the ripe old age of 38!

I have never been so happy to have my period in my life.

Happy 4th

I never used to think much about the 4th of July. It was a day of parades, picnics and fireworks. It was fun but that was it.

But now as the parent of an international adoptee, it means a little bit more. After all the paperwork, waiting, paperwork, governmental approval etc. when your daughter finally becomes a US citizen its kind of a big deal.

It happened in the O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Right outside of customs they had a long table set up. You brought over the Brown Envelope given to you by the US Consulate in China. You were not to open it under penalty of, well, of something. Then you sat waiting for your child's name to be called. We waited for a long time. Now mind you we had a connecting flight to make and bags to recheck. We'd also been up for over 24 hours at this point. So the wait seemed like forever.

Finally they called Bunny's name. We went to the table. They handed us some paperwork. And said "Welcome to America." It was kind of anti-climactic at the time. But it really meant so much more than that. Bunny was now an American citizen. One in a long line of immigrants who came to America looking for a better life.

So today that is what I think about. I think about the journey she took from an orphanage in China to being a typical sassy, dinosaur obsessed, American toddler. That is pretty cool.

Attitude of Gratitude June 4th

Today I am greatful for the ability to sleep in.

Now what qualifies as sleeping in depends on your perspective. In the old pre-child days, sleeping in meant 10, 11 or even noon (depending on the previous nights activities). And this was a gloriously deep and uninterrupted sleep.

With Bunny in my life, sleeping in means 7 or gasp! 7:30.

But today we kicked it old school and slept in til 8. Aww yeah!

Attitude of Gratitude May 28th

Its Wednesday again and it is time to share what I am greatful for.

Today I am greatful for a toddler's imagination. Yesterday Bunny and I spent over 1/2 hour sitting on my bed pretending. The bed was the park and we were swinging on it. Then it was the beach where we built sand castles. Then we went to sleep in the sand castles. Finally it was a car. I had the blue car and Bunny had the black one and we were saving the purple car for Daddy.

It was the first time I saw her pretending without the aid of any toys. This all just came out of her imagination. It was beautiful and fun and I will treasure it forever.

Attitude of Gratitude

One of my favorite blogs Mama-Om has something called Attitude of Gratitude on Wednesdays. In it you share what you are greatful for. I think that is just a wonderful idea and have decided to join in.

Today I am greatful for bubbles. You know the kind you make from dish soap and blow through a little wand. These babies can keep a 2 year old entertained for hours and that my friend is a miracle in and of itself.