As you can tell from my last post I've got some issues. I've over committed myself and its starting to mess with my head. Now my head, some may say, is already messed up and didn't need anything more added to the mix.
But I suffer from a condition common to many women, the inability to say no. No is a simple word, its only two letters N-O. But I find it difficult to say.
Maybe it stems from my junior high insecurities, I want you to like me so I'll say yes and help you out. So you'll think that Renee's a great girl, always willing to help out, let's be friends with her.
Maybe its a mom thing. I'm so used to helping someone meet their basic needs that its just easy to help anyone else. You can't find your dinosaur? You need help? Let mommy help you. You need me to what? Ok, I'll help.
Maybe its because I'm not working outside of the house anymore and I need a way to stay connected to the "real world". When I was working every day I didn't do this much. I said yes all day at work but said no to other things because I was too tired. Now that I'm home with Bunny its like "you want me to spend time with adults and not talk about dinosaurs or using the potty? Cool where do I sign up?"
Even when I want to say no, I say yes. Every fiber of my being is screaming no, no don't do it but my mouth is saying ok. Stupid mouth.
But after my panic attack on Friday, I decided to let go of something. I looked at what I was doing, planning a wine tasting event and being a team leader for the Obama campaign. I weighed the pros and cons of each.
Wine tasting - wine at all the planning meetings, meeting people who could help me get into writing, wine, manageable commitment, wine. Did I mention the wine. No real downside there.
Obama team - making a difference, making history. But there are some downsides - 10 hour per week commitment, recruiting new volunteers, too much responsibility, if someone doesn't do their job, I'd have to do it.
It seemed like the choice was clear. I was going to have to quit the Obama team. But I felt guilty. I'd made a commitment, how could I back out?
Bubs tried to reason with me. "You can still canvass and phone occasionally, just not all the time." He even said that Obama would understand and agree that I have to do what is right for me and my family. I'm not giving up completely, I'm still voting for him.
Ok, that did it. I was going to call the campaign and explain the situation. And then it happened. Mike from the campaign said Obama's coming on Monday. We want you to volunteer all day. You can hear him speak and possibly meet him. And what did I say? YES. I can quit next week.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Anxious
I walked into the living room, my chest felt heavy. I sat down on the couch by myself but I was not alone. A feeling of dread enveloped me. My heart began to race and pound like it was going to come out of my chest. My mind began to jump from thought to thought, my mood darkening.
I was panicking.
I could see my daughter playing with her dinos on the floor. "What you doing, momma?" She brought Giganta over to say hi. He started to climb all over me, up my arm and onto my head. It was the connection I needed to break out of this. I reached past Giganta to hug my daughter. She was real, she was true, she was everything in the world.
After she struggled out of my hug and ran to pick up Deltadromeus and Allosaurus, I started calming down. I steadied my breathing and tried to clear my head. The more I breathed and focused on what was important, the slower my heartbeat became. My mood lightened, the dread began to losen its hold.
I had to get moving to get away from this feeling. I grabbed Bunny and the stroller and we headed out. As the fresh air entered my lungs I could sense that everything would be alright. We walked the river trail, picking wildflowers and watching bees. We saw the ducks swimming. Bunny was in heaven. "Look momma. Look at the ducks. I want to buy a boat." This was real and true. This is what was important.
This was my first panic attack in years. I used to have them all the time but I learned how to handle stress. I learned how to avoid them. But lately I've been overwhelmed. I've been stretched too thin. I know I need to let go of some of these things to focus on what is important.
I was panicking.
I could see my daughter playing with her dinos on the floor. "What you doing, momma?" She brought Giganta over to say hi. He started to climb all over me, up my arm and onto my head. It was the connection I needed to break out of this. I reached past Giganta to hug my daughter. She was real, she was true, she was everything in the world.
After she struggled out of my hug and ran to pick up Deltadromeus and Allosaurus, I started calming down. I steadied my breathing and tried to clear my head. The more I breathed and focused on what was important, the slower my heartbeat became. My mood lightened, the dread began to losen its hold.
I had to get moving to get away from this feeling. I grabbed Bunny and the stroller and we headed out. As the fresh air entered my lungs I could sense that everything would be alright. We walked the river trail, picking wildflowers and watching bees. We saw the ducks swimming. Bunny was in heaven. "Look momma. Look at the ducks. I want to buy a boat." This was real and true. This is what was important.
This was my first panic attack in years. I used to have them all the time but I learned how to handle stress. I learned how to avoid them. But lately I've been overwhelmed. I've been stretched too thin. I know I need to let go of some of these things to focus on what is important.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The First Time I Ever Saw You
Most parents get to know their babies over the course of nine months. They get to feel the baby kick and see her growing inside the mother.
When you are an adoptive parent, you miss out on that. You prepare documents, you put your life on display for a social worker, you get fingerprinted and you place all your hopes and dreams in the hands of people you've never met. And then you wait and wait and wait some more. You wait for your referral. Notification that a child that has been chosen for you.
This is the story of Bunny's referral.
We decided to adopt in the fall of 2004. We researched our options looking at both domestic and international adoption. Finally after a lot of discussions and debates, we decided to adopt from China.
We began the process formally in January 2005. We chose an international agency who would work directly with China and we chose a local agency who would conduct our homestudy. We also had to compile a dossier, which is basically a bunch of documents that accompany your homestudy. The documents had to be notarized. The notarization had to be certified by the Secretary of State. The certification had to be authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. Then everything has to be translated into Chinese.
Because I wasn't that organized, the process took over six months. Our paperwork was sent to China in July and logged into their system on July 23, 2005. Then the waiting began. At the time our paperwork was logged in, the wait was 9 months. But as these things happen, the wait time increased.
Every month I would check the agency's websited to see when the new round of referrals were coming. And every month I would be disappointed. In August 2006, I saw that the referrals were going to be for all families logged in on or before July 22, 2005. We were going to have to wait one more month, we'd missed the cut off by one day.
Or that is what I thought.
On August 28, 2006 I was sitting at my desk working. Then the phone rang. I answered it like anyother call, "This is Renee. How may I help you?" A woman on the other end told me that we had our referral. We were parents to a little girl.
She asked if I wanted to conference Bubs in so he could hear the news but he was in a meeting and I couldn't find him. Then she said she could call back. Call back are you crazy, I needed to know everything right then.
She told me everything she knew about the baby, which frankly wasn't that much. She lived in the YiHuang Social Welfare Institute in Jiangxi China. She went into the orphanage when she was approximately 1 week old and she had spent most of her life living with foster parents. At the time of referral she was 7 months old.
I couldn't believe it, our "Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby" really existed. She was our little Bunny. They e-mailed pictures and I saw this beautiful little girl with a heart shaped face and a rosebud mouth. I just sat there and cried. Then I realized I had to go find Bubs. I ran next door to his office but he was still gone. I finally busted into his meeting (with his boss) and dragged him upstairs to see the pictures. Needless to say he was beside himself.
We had waited for so long for some proof that there was a child at the end of this process. We'd waited for 21 months since officially beginning the process (that is almost as long as it would take to gestate an elephant). And we finally got to see our baby. We got to study, to memorize the lines of her face. We finally had something to show others, "See this picture. This is my daughter."
My daughter. Wow.
We wanted to hop on the next plane to China to bring her home. But again we had to wait for another round of approvals. We got our clearance to travel and set out to meet her in October. We were finally united as a family on October 30, 2006.
When you are an adoptive parent, you miss out on that. You prepare documents, you put your life on display for a social worker, you get fingerprinted and you place all your hopes and dreams in the hands of people you've never met. And then you wait and wait and wait some more. You wait for your referral. Notification that a child that has been chosen for you.
This is the story of Bunny's referral.
We decided to adopt in the fall of 2004. We researched our options looking at both domestic and international adoption. Finally after a lot of discussions and debates, we decided to adopt from China.
We began the process formally in January 2005. We chose an international agency who would work directly with China and we chose a local agency who would conduct our homestudy. We also had to compile a dossier, which is basically a bunch of documents that accompany your homestudy. The documents had to be notarized. The notarization had to be certified by the Secretary of State. The certification had to be authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. Then everything has to be translated into Chinese.
Because I wasn't that organized, the process took over six months. Our paperwork was sent to China in July and logged into their system on July 23, 2005. Then the waiting began. At the time our paperwork was logged in, the wait was 9 months. But as these things happen, the wait time increased.
Every month I would check the agency's websited to see when the new round of referrals were coming. And every month I would be disappointed. In August 2006, I saw that the referrals were going to be for all families logged in on or before July 22, 2005. We were going to have to wait one more month, we'd missed the cut off by one day.
Or that is what I thought.
On August 28, 2006 I was sitting at my desk working. Then the phone rang. I answered it like anyother call, "This is Renee. How may I help you?" A woman on the other end told me that we had our referral. We were parents to a little girl.
She asked if I wanted to conference Bubs in so he could hear the news but he was in a meeting and I couldn't find him. Then she said she could call back. Call back are you crazy, I needed to know everything right then.
She told me everything she knew about the baby, which frankly wasn't that much. She lived in the YiHuang Social Welfare Institute in Jiangxi China. She went into the orphanage when she was approximately 1 week old and she had spent most of her life living with foster parents. At the time of referral she was 7 months old.
I couldn't believe it, our "Non-Existant Hypothetical Baby" really existed. She was our little Bunny. They e-mailed pictures and I saw this beautiful little girl with a heart shaped face and a rosebud mouth. I just sat there and cried. Then I realized I had to go find Bubs. I ran next door to his office but he was still gone. I finally busted into his meeting (with his boss) and dragged him upstairs to see the pictures. Needless to say he was beside himself.
We had waited for so long for some proof that there was a child at the end of this process. We'd waited for 21 months since officially beginning the process (that is almost as long as it would take to gestate an elephant). And we finally got to see our baby. We got to study, to memorize the lines of her face. We finally had something to show others, "See this picture. This is my daughter."
My daughter. Wow.
We wanted to hop on the next plane to China to bring her home. But again we had to wait for another round of approvals. We got our clearance to travel and set out to meet her in October. We were finally united as a family on October 30, 2006.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Queen of the Explorers
Two intrepid explorers set forth from Fort Wauwatosa to brave the wilds of the Menomonee River. They were lead by Bunny, the Queen of Explorers, who has spent many months honing her skills by tracking the movements of some sly dinosaurs.
They were in search of the wildest of wildlife. The cricket, the chipmunk and the duck, oh my.
They could hear the crickets chirping but could not find the elusive insect. All attempts to find him in the tall grass were foiled by this wiley bug.
They searched high and low and found the entrance to the chipmunk's kingdom. But alas, they were denied a glimpse of the royal rodent.
They made one final, futile attempt to find some, any wildlife. They brought out the bread hoping in vain that they could coax a shy duck out of hiding with the promise of food. But the duck would not cooperate.
Bunny, Queen of the Explorers, was tired and ready for a nap. But she did not give up hope that she would find her quarry. She vowed to return to the Menomonee River wilderness another day.
They were in search of the wildest of wildlife. The cricket, the chipmunk and the duck, oh my.
They could hear the crickets chirping but could not find the elusive insect. All attempts to find him in the tall grass were foiled by this wiley bug.
They searched high and low and found the entrance to the chipmunk's kingdom. But alas, they were denied a glimpse of the royal rodent.
They made one final, futile attempt to find some, any wildlife. They brought out the bread hoping in vain that they could coax a shy duck out of hiding with the promise of food. But the duck would not cooperate.
Bunny, Queen of the Explorers, was tired and ready for a nap. But she did not give up hope that she would find her quarry. She vowed to return to the Menomonee River wilderness another day.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Great Big Girl Bed Experiment
On Sunday after a few days of build up, we took the front rail off of Bunny's crib and turned it into a toddler bed.
She was over the moon. She kept getting in and out of the bed with a huge smile on her face.
I was not as excited. You see, her crib was like a toddler cage. Even if she did not want to be in it, she did not climb out of it. Well she did once but she fell and never did it again. I could put her down for a nap or to bed at night and there she would stay. She might scream bloody murder but I knew she was safely contained.
So right after we put her down on Sunday night, she climbed right out of bed and headed for the door. The door was closed so she doesn't have to deal with meowing (and sometimes peeing) cats jumping in and out of her bed like mommy does. So she grabbed the door handle and tried with all of her might to open the door. She was unsuccessful, for now. But she is just like a Velociraptor and will figure that out in a few days.
So I went in, put her back in bed and read her another book. And you know what? She stayed in bed playing, eventually falling asleep. She stayed there until morning. Halleluja!
Yesterday at naptime we were not so lucky. She didn't try to escape but she brought the entire contents of her bookcase into her bed. And then proceeded to cry that there was not enough room, the books weren't staying where she wanted, the stuffed animals were not cooperating with the books. You name it, she cried about it. Total drama. Just when I thought she had fallen asleep, I hear a knock at the door "Momma, I pooped."
Great. Naptime officially over with no actual napping.
No nap led to a sleepy toddler nodding off in her dinner. She fell asleep at 7 and stayed asleep (and in her bed) until she called for me at 7 am. Again another great sign.
Now we just need to work on naptime. She needs it and so do I.
She was over the moon. She kept getting in and out of the bed with a huge smile on her face.
I was not as excited. You see, her crib was like a toddler cage. Even if she did not want to be in it, she did not climb out of it. Well she did once but she fell and never did it again. I could put her down for a nap or to bed at night and there she would stay. She might scream bloody murder but I knew she was safely contained.
So right after we put her down on Sunday night, she climbed right out of bed and headed for the door. The door was closed so she doesn't have to deal with meowing (and sometimes peeing) cats jumping in and out of her bed like mommy does. So she grabbed the door handle and tried with all of her might to open the door. She was unsuccessful, for now. But she is just like a Velociraptor and will figure that out in a few days.
So I went in, put her back in bed and read her another book. And you know what? She stayed in bed playing, eventually falling asleep. She stayed there until morning. Halleluja!
Yesterday at naptime we were not so lucky. She didn't try to escape but she brought the entire contents of her bookcase into her bed. And then proceeded to cry that there was not enough room, the books weren't staying where she wanted, the stuffed animals were not cooperating with the books. You name it, she cried about it. Total drama. Just when I thought she had fallen asleep, I hear a knock at the door "Momma, I pooped."
Great. Naptime officially over with no actual napping.
No nap led to a sleepy toddler nodding off in her dinner. She fell asleep at 7 and stayed asleep (and in her bed) until she called for me at 7 am. Again another great sign.
Now we just need to work on naptime. She needs it and so do I.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
How I Got My Bloggy Groove Back
As you know, on Friday I posted that I had lost it. I had nothing to say. It was hard for me but several of my wonderful readers like Kate, MamaCarter, Kristin, Anymommy Stacey and imommy all offered their support. So thanks ladies, I needed that.
I took their suggestion and took the weekend off from blogging. Time away helped me gain some perspective. The fact that I didn't have to blog, helped me think of things to blog again. I began to view situations and occurances through the "how would this look on my blog" lens again. This was good.
But the thing that really got me back into the frame of mind to blog again was something that I had been dreading all week. On Saturday I went to volunteer training for the Obama campaign. I wanted to volunteer but I had agreed to be on a team giving 10 hours a week. I wan't to sure about that commitment. So I was not excited to go to the training. But as these things go, it was very good and they got us all fired up.
Part of the training made me excited about blogging again. They wanted us to develop our story. To be able to share with the public during the campaign who we are and what has brought us here. They had two people come up and give their stories.
The first was Javier. He told of his parents fleeing war torn El Salvador. He told of growing up poor in an alcoholic home. How he became involved in crime and drugs before turning his life around at 23. He is now 25 and is filled with that wonder and excitement that you get when you realize your whole life is ahead of you.
The second person to share her story was Mary. Mary grew up in a conservative family in a small town. She was sent away to boarding school with the nuns because she was "too wild" for 1950s Kansas. She later became a nun herself. After she left religious life, she began to work with refugees in war torn areas. She lost a leg in the Sudan but continued her work. She most recently lived in South Africa, teaching at the Bishop Desmond Tutu school of peace.
As I listened to their stories, I thought my own story was nothing special. It was typical, white middle class, had all the advantages growing up, blah blah blah. I haven't struggled, I haven't done anything extraordinary. Who would want to listen to my story?
But it is my story. What has happened to me in the past has made me who I am today. I dealt with infertility. The path that I chose to walk down, led me to my daughter and will lead me to Turtle. What once cause me so much pain has brought me to joy. And what is happening to me now will make me into my future self.
So my story may be mundane but its my story and I want to tell it. And that is why I blog.
I took their suggestion and took the weekend off from blogging. Time away helped me gain some perspective. The fact that I didn't have to blog, helped me think of things to blog again. I began to view situations and occurances through the "how would this look on my blog" lens again. This was good.
But the thing that really got me back into the frame of mind to blog again was something that I had been dreading all week. On Saturday I went to volunteer training for the Obama campaign. I wanted to volunteer but I had agreed to be on a team giving 10 hours a week. I wan't to sure about that commitment. So I was not excited to go to the training. But as these things go, it was very good and they got us all fired up.
Part of the training made me excited about blogging again. They wanted us to develop our story. To be able to share with the public during the campaign who we are and what has brought us here. They had two people come up and give their stories.
The first was Javier. He told of his parents fleeing war torn El Salvador. He told of growing up poor in an alcoholic home. How he became involved in crime and drugs before turning his life around at 23. He is now 25 and is filled with that wonder and excitement that you get when you realize your whole life is ahead of you.
The second person to share her story was Mary. Mary grew up in a conservative family in a small town. She was sent away to boarding school with the nuns because she was "too wild" for 1950s Kansas. She later became a nun herself. After she left religious life, she began to work with refugees in war torn areas. She lost a leg in the Sudan but continued her work. She most recently lived in South Africa, teaching at the Bishop Desmond Tutu school of peace.
As I listened to their stories, I thought my own story was nothing special. It was typical, white middle class, had all the advantages growing up, blah blah blah. I haven't struggled, I haven't done anything extraordinary. Who would want to listen to my story?
But it is my story. What has happened to me in the past has made me who I am today. I dealt with infertility. The path that I chose to walk down, led me to my daughter and will lead me to Turtle. What once cause me so much pain has brought me to joy. And what is happening to me now will make me into my future self.
So my story may be mundane but its my story and I want to tell it. And that is why I blog.
Friday, August 22, 2008
I've Lost All Contact With The Outside World
So the internet was down from Wednesday night through last night. I freaked out. How could I check my e-mail? I had blogs to read. I needed to Twitter (okay maybe I didn't need to Twitter but I wanted to). I needed to post on my blog.
I needed the internet but it was not there.
Well when I came home from dinner at my parents house, the internet was back up and running. I should have been jumping for joy. But I wasn't. I checked my e-mail, nothing iteresting. Tweeted once (see you really don't need to tweet). Read one blog of the 167 waiting to be read (note to self don't add anymore blogs to reader until you clean it up). Then I turned off the computer and went to watch TV.
I didn't even check my blog stats or look at my blog. I had been chastised by more than one person for not posting the last two days, but I still didn't start a new post. I realized I had nothing to say. I'd started a few posts and abandoned them. Some I may go back to, the rest I gave up on for good. But there was nothing inside just waiting to come out, nothing that needed to be said.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Its not just writer's block. Its more of a general malaise. We are off schedule, there was no music class, no play date this week and gymnastics was skipped because Bunny had a cold. Maybe its because everyone here is sick. Maybe its all the disruption from the construction. Maybe its because I've been bad cop this week and Bunny has said on more than one occasion that she doesn't like me. Maybe its . . . or maybe its not.
I feel like all the dust the workers raised has settled in my brain. Filling in all the crevices. Numbing me. I need to shake it off but I can't. I'm too tired. I just want . . . I don't know what I want.
I needed the internet but it was not there.
Well when I came home from dinner at my parents house, the internet was back up and running. I should have been jumping for joy. But I wasn't. I checked my e-mail, nothing iteresting. Tweeted once (see you really don't need to tweet). Read one blog of the 167 waiting to be read (note to self don't add anymore blogs to reader until you clean it up). Then I turned off the computer and went to watch TV.
I didn't even check my blog stats or look at my blog. I had been chastised by more than one person for not posting the last two days, but I still didn't start a new post. I realized I had nothing to say. I'd started a few posts and abandoned them. Some I may go back to, the rest I gave up on for good. But there was nothing inside just waiting to come out, nothing that needed to be said.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Its not just writer's block. Its more of a general malaise. We are off schedule, there was no music class, no play date this week and gymnastics was skipped because Bunny had a cold. Maybe its because everyone here is sick. Maybe its all the disruption from the construction. Maybe its because I've been bad cop this week and Bunny has said on more than one occasion that she doesn't like me. Maybe its . . . or maybe its not.
I feel like all the dust the workers raised has settled in my brain. Filling in all the crevices. Numbing me. I need to shake it off but I can't. I'm too tired. I just want . . . I don't know what I want.
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