The Same But Different

Have you ever taken a big trip? A trip to Paris, to New York or even to Blog Her?

In the days leading up to your trip, you are filled with excitement, anxiety and dread. Excitement because the trip is going to be fun. You are going to a place you've never been before. You anticipate all of the things you'll get to do and see, all of the memories you are going to create.

Anxiety because the trip is so big, so momentous. You prepare like you are heading into battle. You make lists. You double check the lists. You add, subtract and add some more. You pack. You unpack. You pack again, for the 37th time. Do you have everything you need? Have you forgotten anything? You check the list once more.

Dread because the trip is so big, so momentous. You worry about all the things that could go wrong. What about this? What about that? This is the trip of a lifetime. It has to be perfect. It just has to be.

Have you ever felt like that?

Then you know a fraction of what I am feeling right now.

Anxious

I walked into the living room, my chest felt heavy. I sat down on the couch by myself but I was not alone. A feeling of dread enveloped me. My heart began to race and pound like it was going to come out of my chest. My mind began to jump from thought to thought, my mood darkening.

I was panicking.

I could see my daughter playing with her dinos on the floor. "What you doing, momma?" She brought Giganta over to say hi. He started to climb all over me, up my arm and onto my head. It was the connection I needed to break out of this. I reached past Giganta to hug my daughter. She was real, she was true, she was everything in the world.

After she struggled out of my hug and ran to pick up Deltadromeus and Allosaurus, I started calming down. I steadied my breathing and tried to clear my head. The more I breathed and focused on what was important, the slower my heartbeat became. My mood lightened, the dread began to losen its hold.

I had to get moving to get away from this feeling. I grabbed Bunny and the stroller and we headed out. As the fresh air entered my lungs I could sense that everything would be alright. We walked the river trail, picking wildflowers and watching bees. We saw the ducks swimming. Bunny was in heaven. "Look momma. Look at the ducks. I want to buy a boat." This was real and true. This is what was important.

This was my first panic attack in years. I used to have them all the time but I learned how to handle stress. I learned how to avoid them. But lately I've been overwhelmed. I've been stretched too thin. I know I need to let go of some of these things to focus on what is important.

Falling Down is Part of Life

Right? Every kid falls down. Its how they learn. But it doesn't make it any easier on the parents.

Yesterday I took Bunny to an open gym at Swiss Turners Gymnastics. She loves it. She runs around like a crazy girl, bouncing on trampolines, jumping in foam pits, walking on balance beams and hanging from bars (while I am running just to keep up). She even has a little friend, Claire, who is three and has taught Bunny to climb up a ladder onto a platform and jump into the foam pit (well I help her jump off by holding her waist and dropping her into the pit). I like the pit, its full of foam blocks. You can't really get hurt in foam.

But yesterday Bunny and Claire were running around and they wanted to go jump on this little trampoline. To get there you had to step over this metal bar. I've always thought it was weird that the bar was there but it is. Well Bunny didn't quite make it and she fell. On to the bar. With her face. While I was standing not even 5 feet away.

I immediately started to panic. I had all of these scenarios in my head. She broke something, she lost her teeth, we'd have to go to the hospital. She started screaming and when I got to her I could see blood coming out of her mouth. Even though I was panicking inside, I remained calm on the outside. I scooped her up in a big hug and immediately took her to the front desk for ice before heading in the bathroom to wash her off and assess the damage.

By the time we got to the desk, I could tell that she had bitten her lip. That's okay, right? Kids bite their lips all the time. I still wasn't sure about her teeth. They handed me some paper towels and after wiping her off I could tell all of the blood was from her lip. Thank goodness!! They didn't have ice, but they did have freezie pops, which Bunny put directly on her lip.

When we got to the bathroom to clean up, Bunny discovered that she could eat the freezie pop. So she stopped crying and demanded to eat it. Ok that is a good sign. So we sat down just outside the gym to eat the pop. She was happy as a clam with her freezie pop. Other kids were staring at it jealously and she just laughed. Laughing is a good sign that she wasn't seriously hurt.

When we were finished I asked her if she wanted to go home. She said no and wanted to go back in the gym. She proceeded to run around slightly less crazily for the next 20 minutes. When it was time to leave she cried again because she didn't want to go home.

Even though she wasn't badly hurt (she just has a slightly fat lip) I still felt terrible. Like I was a bad mother for letting this happen to her. All the moms came up to me to make sure she was okay and I couldn't tell if they were judging me or not. But in my head I knew they weren't, they were just thankful she was okay and it wasn't their kid.

I know this could have happened anywhere, at the park, in the backyard or even in our house. She is going to fall and she is going to get hurt and that is okay. Its just lucky that I was there and not Bubs. He would have started hyperventalating and crying if he saw her get hurt. He would rather her be wrapped in bubble wrap so she doesn't get hurt.

Bunny has mentioned this incident a few times but really all she cares about was the popcicle she got at the end. To her that was the most important thing. And I guess it was to me as well because it shows that she is resliant.