Unknown

It started innocently. I was sitting in a meeting in a church basement, listening, learning and growing. The metal folding chair was uncomfortable. I shifted in my seat, trying to find a comfortable position. Eventually my right leg fell asleep.

I thought nothing of it. Things like this happen all the time. On my way to the car, I stomped my foot, hopping up and down trying to regain feeling. It didn't come. My leg felt heavy and sluggish.

At home, the sensation spread to my right arm and eventually the right side of my face. This was not normal. I was scared.

A trip to the ER in the middle of the night, allayed some of my fears. No stroke. No lesions. Nothing serious.

My primary care doctor thought it might be a pinched nerve. A referral to a neurologist led to multiple blood tests. I had MRIs of my neck and brain and and MRA of my neck. All of these tests revealed nothing.

Nothing. We don't know what is wrong.

I was still having symptoms. Numbness, pain, headaches, neck aches. The pain was real, I felt it. I continued feeling it for months. Months with no answers.

A referral to a rheumatologist revealed nothing. A painful nerve conduction test, nothing.

Nothing. No answers.

I began to question myself. If the doctors can't find anything, is there something really wrong? Is this real? Am I imagining it?

The seeds of my doubt had been planted earlier in life. Physical symptoms were discounted by doctors. I was told it was stress, depression. I was given anti-depressants with no follow up.

I didn't question. I thought doctors knew best. I was crazy. It was in my head.

But it was not. There was a real problem. There was a solution, a treatment. If it was true then, I have to believe it is true now. I cannot live in the unknown.

Africa on My Mind

Africa has been on my mind lately. The famine in Somalia and the food crisis in parts of Kenya and Ethiopia are heartbreaking. This crisis in on top of the challenges such as poverty, HIV, malaria and TB that the continent is already facing.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know a part of my soul is in Africa. When I hear of the problems, I cannot help but think of Lion's birth family, of my family. The phrase but for the grace of God takes on a whole new meaning.

I cannot sit silently by. I must speak out about these problems. I must raise awareness.

So today, I encourage you to learn all you can about the famine in Somalia and how to help. I also encourage you to follow the journey of several bloggers who are currently in Kenya learning first hand what life is like for families in the developing world.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
— Margaret Mead

Please Help If You Can

I feel so silly that I posted a request for votes in the Blogger's Choice Awards. That was just to stroke my ego, to make me feel appreciated. It is not important.

What is important is that my blog friends, Mike and Heather Spohr, are buring their sweet little Maddie on Tuesday. Of course our hearts go out to them and families like them who face these horrible tragedies. What can we do in times like these?

We can help them.

Last fall, Heather was laid off from her job and had been caring for Maddie full time. Mike is an independent contractor. Due to this tragedy he is not working. They have no income and now they have to pay for their daughter's funeral.

The wonderful Meghan of A Mom Two Boys has set up a paypal account to help with the funeral expenses. I know that times are tough all around. However, I am asking you to help if you can. Even a donation of $1 or $5 would help.

If you would like to donate, please click the link on the right. Thank you.


Photo courtesy of Maddie's mom, Heather

Family Fun with Cleaning

I've said it before that I really don't like cleaning. I can find a million and one other things to do instead of cleaning. I do it but I'm not happy about it at all.

But there are times that cleaning is a necessity. Over the weekend I rearranged the furniture in the living room to make room for the Christmas tree. As we are still without a functional basement (its only been 8 months) we had a lot of stuff to move. Well moving created dust and exposed areas that had previously been covered. So it was time to bust out the supplies.

I grabbed the swiffer first to sweep up some of the dust. Bunny freaked out. "I wanna do it momma. I can do it all by myself, momma."

Hmmm. Perhaps she can. It would shorten the cleaning time and it would also occupy her for a while. So we tried it. And you know what? She is pretty good at it. She got most of the spots I was going for freeing me up to vacuum.

I wonder if I put the wet swiffer on if she could wash the floors for me? The answer is yes she can. Pretty sweet.

So I got a fairly clean living room out of the deal and Bunny had loads of fun. We may be on to something here. Do you thing she is too young to . . . ?

The Automatic Flushing Toilet is Evil

We started potty training Bunny during Bubs' staycation and it worked. She is basically 99.9% trained (crosses fingers, knocks wood, hops on one foot in a circle and spits). Accidents have been few and far between. She even made it through an entire week dry (overnights included). And yes I'm bragging just a little bit.

I'm glad we waited until she was ready. All in all its been awesome . . . that is until we encountered the automatic flushing toilet.

Now I know the automatic flushing toilet was invented as a convenience. It exists so that we don't have to touch the germy handles, too keep things cleaner. It just exists and I never gave it any thought. As far as I was concerned, it was a good thing. Until now.

We had a lovely day at the zoo on Saturday. It was 45 and sunny. We were enjoying it because we knew it wouldn't last, the snow was due to hit on Sunday. Trips to the zoo would stop for the year. We hit all of our favorites including the baby orangutang, Mahal, for mommy and the snakes, jellyfish and bats for Bunny.

But then we had to hit the bathroom and it was not so nice. The automatic flusher went off while Bunny was sitting on the potty and she freaked the heck out. She wouldn't go. We tried the potty at the giraffe house. No. The lion house. No! The visitor's center? No, no, no.

She took one look at the potty and made up her mind, if she didn't see a flush handle she wasn't going to go. I tried telling her that we could cover up the automatic flush so it wouldn't go off. Yeah that didn't work so well.

"No momma, I don't like these potties. No flush. I want to go home and use my potty."

You can't really argue with that logic. And I really didn't want to mess up all of her hard work becoming potty trained so we went home. She was a trooper. She made it home without an accident.

But of course you don't want to have to leave every place you are to use the potty at home. We may not be so close to home the next time. We have to solve this before it becomes a huge problem.

So I did a little research on the issue and you know whats supposed to work? Post-it notes. You just put one over the red eye on the potty and it won't flush until its removed. So simple, so easy. So now mommy is going to buy a huge stack of post-it notes and never leave home with out one.

Overwhelmed

I try to stay organized. I try to keep on top of things. But some days, no matter what I do, its not enough.

The mess spreads beyond acceptable borders. Rooms that should be clean aren't and the ones that should look "lived in" look like federal disaster areas. Bunny is like a hurricane during the day, leaving a trail of dinosaurs other assorted animals in her wake. If she follows me into another room, the chaos also follows.

I try to pick up the messes we make each day. And then I try to do one more thing, laundry, vacuuming or something, to stay on top of the clutter. But there is not enough time, only nap time and after bed. And I am only one person. I need help, professional help, but any help will do.

But there are times, like today, when I cannot accept the help when it comes. Bunny chose not to sleep for whatever reason. So I got some internet time in but no time to myself or to clean. I was listening to her whine over the monitor, stewing, when my parents stopped by. My dad was going to do some work on the "deck" we have in the back. My mom started to clean the kitchen.

Rather than accepting the help, I lost it. I started to feel bad about myself and the chaos around me. I took their help as a judgement against me and my parenting skills. I thought if they had to help me, then it meant that I could not take care of my family in the way that I was supposed to. If I couldn't keep the house clean with just three people and two cats (with their shedding fur, their hairballs, their puke and their pee), then how could I possibly add another baby to the mix.

I was tired, I was alone, and I was overwhelmed. When I get stressed, I get lost. I get into a deep, dark hole and its hard to get out of. I realized that this home and this family are all that I have. I don't have a lot of other outlets for my feelings. I don't have friends who are in the same boat as me. None of my friends here can relate to what I am going through.

All of that emotion came out in the tears I was shedding. I felt like a failure, even though I knew I wasn't. I yelled at my mom. But really I was yelling at myself. Picking at old wounds, causing new ones because I just didn't know what else to do.

But the answer was there. It was staring me right in the face. I had to say that I needed help and I had to accept the help that was given. So I swallowed the false pride I was feeling and let her help. I still feel bad, but my kitchen is clean and that is a small victory. So now I can fold the 5 loads of laundry I did today and go to bed knowing that I, we, made a dent in the chaos. So thank you Mom and Dad for helping me, I really needed it.

The stress isn't totally gone, nor will it ever be. It is constantly there just like a friend or lover you want to let go of but can't. I just have to remember to take time for myself, to breath, to relax. Not to let it overwhelm me to the point of causing physical symptoms like it has done in the past.

I have to realize that I am not alone. I have my little family. And even if they can't always relate, I have friends. And I have this blog, I can reach out into the wilds of the internet and there are those who will understand me.