The Lion King Comes Home

The journey started so many months ago with a piece of paper, an envelope and a stamp. That first piece of paper was followed by so many more. Paper ruled my life. It was an emotional roller coaster that I was not sure I would survive.

The paper roller coaster finally ended and a true journey started.

It started with a plane ride. Three plane rides full of anxious joy or joyous anxiety. (You know the kind when you are so excited and terrified that you think you will burst out of your skin or puke.) There is not so much to do on a plane except think. Thinking about what it will be like, how he will be.

I thought and thought about it. In fact it was more of an obsession. I could not wait to see him. It was torture to got to the hotel next to the care center knowing that we would have to wait some more to see him.

When the time finally arrived, all of the families walked to the care center and waited in the main room to meet their children for the first time. They brought the children in one by one. The infants were carried and the toddlers walked. The parents waited with anxious joy until they were able to hold their children.

Lion was brought in towards the end. I could see him walking down the stairs. He was nervous and crying. I do not know what he thought or felt at that moment but he was not happy. When he was placed in my arms for the first time, he cried, screamed and pushed away. He was looking for someone, anyone but me.

It was not the moment I pictured but I was prepared. I did my best to reassure him but he would not be comforted. We were told that he had bonded with one of the nannies. I was relieved. The fact that he had formed an attachment meant that he could transfer the attachment to us.

I was relieved but the next two days of visits to the care center were difficult. While other families were playing with their children, Lion would cry, hit and bite Frink and myself. He was always looking for a nanny to come and save him. We did the best we could, holding and rocking him. "Ishi, ishi, ishi" I repeated those words over and over. "It's ok. It's ok. It's ok." At times I was repeating it more to myself than him.

Finally on June 15, 2010 (after a visit to the region where he was born and a visit with his birth father - a story I will not tell here but keep for him) we took custody of our little Lion. This is the day I choose to celebrate as our family day. This is the day we became a family with Lion.

Walking out of the doors of the care center and back to our hotel caused a shift in our relationship. It was as if he saw us for the first time. He looked at us in this new environment and thought "okay it's them". He did not fight us. He did not look for someone else. He did not cry. Instead, he began to relax. He began to allow us in.

It was that time, spent in a hotel room 7900 miles from home, that our family bond began. The journey that began with a piece of paper ended with a little boy sleeping in our arms.

We were his. He was ours. We were a familly.

Moving Way Too Fast

June 9, 2011. It was a Thursday. It was kinda cold and yucky like much of our spring has been this year. It was a day like any other day.

Except it wasn't.

Thursday June 9, 2011 was Bunny's last day of Junior Kindergarten.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

I know! Seriously, where has the time gone?

In the fall, Bunny will be attending school ALL DAY.

I can't really wrap my head around it. She is my first, my baby girl. But she's not a baby any more. She is 5. She is a kid. She can ride a bike. She can do the monkey bars (all the way across now).

Junior kindergarten was amazing for her. She gained confidence. She made friends. She learned so much. She became a part of the world outside of this family. She started down the road that will bring her to the adult she was meant to be.

Stretching

I struggle through. 10. 11. 12.  Then again. Sometimes it seems too much. It's too heavy. But I do it again because it's what I need to do. 

My feet hit the ground in rapid succession. Over and over. Just a few minutes more and then I can stop. It's too far, too many hills. But I don't stop, I continue on. It's what I need to do. 

I lean forward just a bit further. I feel the release. I push again, then hold. My body rejoices at the feeling.  My body is growing stronger day by day.  It needs the relief, it needs the rest. 

I hold it in my hands. I stare at the words, so foreign yet so familiar. I turn the page looking for clues, for answers to questions not yet asked. 

I sit in a circle, my ears drinking in the sounds. Stories so different yet the same. Hope is offered. Wisdom is given. 

I speak. My tongue forming my truth. I pause, afraid. But no rejection comes. I am embraced with nods and smiles. They hear me. They see me. 

I sit alone breathing. Quiet fills me. I stay. I focus. My mind rejoices at the stillness. My spirit is filled.  My mind and spirit are growing stronger day by day. I need the relief, the rest, the connection.  

Tradition

It has become a tradition in our family to take a trip to Door County, WI every Memorial Day. It originally started as an anniversary trip for Frink and I but we have continued it with our children. I love the idea of having our spot, our trip, something special just for our family. I want the kids to say "do you remember the time Bunny got two holes in one at mini-golf?" or "how about the time Lion tried to ride a goat."

In the four years we have been going with Bunny, the tradition has become so ingrained that we do the same things. Every year, the same thing:

Friday - fish fry at Sister Bay Bowl and swimming
Saturday - the Mai Fest parade in Jacksonport and lunch at PC Junction then swimming
Sunday - brunch in Rowley's Bay, biking in Peninsula St. Park and shopping in Fish Creek (with a stop at the candy and fudge stores)
Monday - a trip to The Farm (a petting zoo/ farm museum) and the ride home

Every year, the same thing.

But this year was different, sort of. This year we had the Lion cub with us. It also rained on Saturday morning so the parade was out. Instead we went to a hands on art studio (called, ironically enough Hands On Art Studio). You could make mosaics, paint your own pottery, fuse glass, or play in the metal and jewelry studios. Bunny and I were in heaven. We chose to paint (a plate for me and a unicorn for Bunny). But what is good for an artistically minded 5 year old and her mom, is not necessarily good for a very excitable 2 year old. Let's just say paint got everywhere.

Luckily for Lion, the day was redeemed by a trip to PC Junction for lunch. I think his little brain exploded after we were seated and he saw a train running around the bar. A train that brought your food to you. "Choo choo! Choo choo food! Choo choo food!" over and over again. To say he loved it would be an understatement. He had to be forcibly removed, screaming "No bye bye. Lion choo choo. No choo choo bye bye. Choo choo food!!!!!!!" He still talks about choo choo food today.

The last change to our routine involved us scrapping the bike ride. Neither Frink or I had the desire to pull two kids in a trailer. And I am fairly certain they would have killed eachother. Instead we drove into the park and played at the beach. The day was warm so the kids ran in and out of the water (which was insanely cold). We also built a castle fortress with a working moat. Awesome.

Here is a glimpse at some of the beautiful memories we created.

Determined

I love watching my kids as they get older. I am constantly discovering more about their personalities. They are polar opposites. Bunny is calm and cautious. Lion is wild and reckless.


Bunny will study the situation. It is almost as if you can see the wheels turning inside her head. She weighs her options and decides on the best course. Lion pretty much just jumps first and asks questions later. Let's just say that it's a good thing he likes band aids.


Bunny has just blossomed in junior kindergarten. She loves school and being with her friends. We pick her up from school at 11 am and *if* it's nice out we stay and play on the playground. (I say *if* because it feels like it will never be nice again).


On the playground their are three high bars. It is the cool thing to flip yourself up on to the bar and sit on top. In order to do so, you have to reach above your head, pull your legs up and lift your body to a seated position. It's not the easiest thing to do.


Bunny's best friends could do it so she had to. I loved watching her figure out how to do it. She tried and tried. At first she could get one leg up, but not two. Then she got both up but couldn't pull herself up.



She tried for about a week to do it. And when I say tried, I mean she didn't do anything else on the playground. Her persistence paid off and she was finally able to sit atop the bar, like a queen surveying her domain. Every morning before school and after she would climb that bar and sit.


After a few weeks she grew tired of this and decided she wanted to learn the monkey bars. She couldn't quite figure out how to do it. She could hold onto the first bar and hang. She could swing her legs but she couldn't make it to the next bar.


She wanted my help but you really can't teach monkey bars (especially when your feet touch the ground). The one thing I made her do is practice dropping. I knew she needed the comfort of knowing that she could land on her feet if she fell. I would also hold her waist as she went across but she still couldn't do it on her own. But she kept practicing.


Then we took her friend M to the park with us. M is a lot like Lion, daring and fearless. The first thing M did at the park was swing across the monkey bars and back. Bunny just stared. She watched everything M did and then she tried to copy her.



Bunny let go of the bar for the first time and reached for the next one. She didn't make it but she kept doing it over and over again. I watched her from a distance as I pushed Lion on the swings. Bunny was determined. If M could do it, so could she. After all she was older than M. So again and again she tried.


And finally she did it. She made it halfway across the bars on her own. I was so happy for her. I thought I would burst into tears on the spot. My little girl had made up her mind to learn something and she did it.


I have no doubt that she can do anything she sets her determined little mind to.

Three Little Words

I still remember the first time I said those words to him. I was nervous. I thought I knew what his reaction would be but I could not be sure. But I had to say it. I felt it so deeply, I thought I would burst if I did not say those words out loud.

We were sitting on the couch in his apartment. I couldn't look at him. I just blurted it out. "I love you". My first instinct was to run away. But I didn't. I stayed to hear his response, "I love you too".

It at that moment that the life we have began. It was built on those three little words. Our love grew and our life did too.

Life began to get complicated, as life always does. There was happiness and joy. But it was tempered with pain and struggle. The struggle of building our family, the realities of being parents, the house, work, life, all of this changed us. We were no longer the boy and the girl on the couch. We had to work to find out who we were and who we wanted to be.

There were times when the words were not said out loud. There was always something else that got in the way. Kids, work, life weighed heavily on our shoulders. We each went to our separate corners to decompress. Or we would wearily tumble into bed, sleep coming as our heads hit the pillow. Another opportunity missed to say the words that mean so much.

There were other times that the words were said in such a way that they lost their meaning. Love You became synonymous with Bye or Have a Good Day. The words were thrown out as he is rushing off to work and I am wrangling the kids. "Love You" I say, my hand fluttering a good bye wave barely conscious of his exit as I try and impress on a two year old the importance of wearing pants or something. Another opportunity missed to mean the words that mean so much.

Those words do mean something now just as they did then. I need to think back to that ugly couch in that rundown apartment. I need to remember how he made me feel, how he still makes me feel. He is the one I have chosen. We have built a life together based on those three words. I love the life we have, the family we have created. I loved him then. I love him now.

Those words need to be said. Those words need to be meant. With a touch on the face, a look in to his eyes, I need to say "I love you". Then there is no mistake, he will know how I feel.

And so I say to him today, just as I did 13 years ago in front of God, our family and friends, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

24

What would you do if you had 24 hours away from your children?

The following is a chronicle of the 100% child-free hours between 1:00 p.m. Saturday May 14, 2011 and 1:00 p.m. Sunday May 15, 2011.

1:00 p.m. - Hooray! They are gone! Much joy and dancing ensue.

1:10 p.m. - Lets pack our bags and get the heck out of Dodge.

1:30 p.m. - The car backs out of the driveway. We are headed to Chicago.

1:30 - 2:15 p.m. - I 94 eastbound.

2:15 p.m. - We are hungry. Hey there's a Wendy's at the next exit. Spicy chicken and french fries.

2:45 p.m. - I 94 eastbound

3:00 p.m. - "Honey do you mind if I sleep for a while?"

3:20 p.m. - I 94 eastbound. Hey it's raining.

3:35 p.m. - I 94 eastbound. Man there's a ton of traffic. I don't think we'll make it in time to visit the Art Institute before it closes at 5.

4:15 p.m. - The Hyatt Regency in downtown Chicago.

4:30 p.m. - It's still raining. "What do you want to do now?" "I guess we could walk on Michigan Ave. In the rain."

4:45 p.m. - Um it's really cold. And wet. Hey a Starbucks! Hot beverages for everyone.

5:00 p.m. - Nordstrom's shoe department. A heavenly choir sings in the back ground. I pick up shoe after shoe and cry a little bit when I see the price. "Honey I don't want to have a ton of money. I just want to be able to buy some pretty shoes regardless of the price." "Someday, honey. Someday."

5:30 p.m. - "What do you want to do now? Do you want to shop some more?" "Um no it's cold and raining and my ratty old shoes are wet. Let's go back to the hotel."

5:45 - 7:00 p.m. - Hanging out in the hotel room and getting ready to go out.

7:00 p.m. - Head to the car. In the rain. And the cold. "Uh oh!" "What uh oh?" "I forgot the parking ticket. It's in the room." "You go get it. I'm going to wait in the car. With the heat."

7:20 p.m. - Frink gets the ticket and we head out of the parking lot.

7:40 p.m. - "I'll drop you off and find a place to park."

7:45 p.m. - Happy Birthday Michelle!

7:55 p.m. - The phone rings. "I'm lost. Where is the bar again?" I hand the phone to Michelle and she gives him directions.

8:00 - 10:00 p.m. - Fun and friends. And birthday cake.

10:00 p.m. - "I'm kind of hungry. Are you hungry? It's been a long time since Wendy's." Get directions to a restaurant nearby. Walk in the rain.

10:45 p.m. - Dinner arrives. Yum.

11:20 p.m. - It's still raining. "You go get the car. I'll wait here where it's warm and dry."

11:40 p.m. - Back at the hotel.

Midnight - Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

8:45 a.m. - Wake up. Wonder when the last time you woke up this late. Decide it was probably 5 years ago.

10:00 a.m. - Breakfast. Decide to skip eating in the hotel in favor of a walk to West Egg cafe. In the rain.

10:45 a.m. - Walk back to the hotel. In the rain. Check out.

11:00 a.m. - Wheels up. Time to drive home. In the rain.

12:10 p.m. - Welcome to Wisconsin. "Hey it stopped raining."

1:00 p.m. - Moooooooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!